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THE AMERICAN COMEDY 



THE 
AMERICAN COMEDY 



BY 



CHESTER ALLEN SMITH 




RICHARD G. BADGER 

BOSTON 



Copyright, 1913, by Richard G. Badger 



All Rights Reserved 



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The Gorham Press, Boston, U. S. A. 



©CI.A358533 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 



THE 
AMERICAN COMEDY 

CHAPTER I 

SKY VIEW is a typical American village. 
It is built along Main Street, which begins 
down by the river and finally loses itself in a 
country highway over the hill. There are 
other streets, but they are little more than 
lanes or byways, while Main Street boasts a 
sidewalk and is curbed and guttered. It is 
the center of the business and social Hfe of the 
town. Here is the village bank, a potent force 
in village affairs, even if it is housed in a one- 
story frame structure which looks ready to tum- 
ble down. Here is the doctor's office and the 
blacksmith's shop; the village hotel, a ram- 
shackle old building which seldom, houses a 
guest; the editor's office, a sacred place in the 

7 



8 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

eyes of the village folk, where In dull hours 
of the day a few worthies who belong to the 
Inner circle play dominoes and discuss the 
latest news. Here Is the Post Office, a busy 
place when each mall arrives. On one side 
of the Post Office Is a butcher's shop and on the 
other side Is a lawyer's office; while here and 
there on either side of the street are the grocery 
stores, not like the grocery stores of the large 
town or city, which are only out for business, 
but rather headquarters for the men of the 
place, who meet there evenings to exchange 
the latest gossip and to discuss the topics of the 
day. 

Sky View Is the metropolis of Poquogg 
County. Poquogg County Is so rough, so full 
of rocks, with mountains and hills and lakes 
all jumbled together In such hopeless confusion, 
that It Is considered by local wiseacres to have 
been the last part of the earth that was made. 
The wonder is that there is any room within 
its confines for farms or fields or even roads. 
Its people have long been famous among the 
neighboring counties as horse jockeys, ped- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 9 

dlers, charcoal burners and auctioneers, but 
their lasting fame will rest upon their devotion 
to Politics. Politics is their ruling passion. 
Any Poquogg County farmer will leave his 
haying to go to a political meeting. To take 
no interest in Politics is a disgrace. To neg- 
lect to vote is to Invite social ostracism. 

The county has played an Important part in 
the Politics of the country. Her political 
leaders have held high places in the national 
councils of their Parties. Her favorite sons 
have won honor in the Legislature of the 
State, In the Congress of the Nation, and one 
served with distinction as Governor and later 
entered national Politics as a member of the 
Cabinet. 

In Sky View, Poquogg County's outlet on the 
river, and which in all things political reflects 
the spirit of the county, Nathaniel Whittleback 
began his career. He came of Yankee and 
Dutch parentage. His father when a youth 
left the Whittleback homestead In Connecticut 
for the West, but got no farther than Sky View. 
Here he fell In love with the only daughter of 



lo THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

old Peter Vanderwert, tavern-keeper and river- 
man. After their marriage he became a pros- 
perous wood dealer, went Into Politics, held suc- 
cessively the offices of Justice of the Peace, 
Sheriff, and County Clerk, and met an untimely 
death by parading In the rain to celebrate a 
victory of his Party at a national election. 
Meeting his death In this way he was regarded 
as a martyr to Politics, and was forever held in 
high esteem by all the people of the county. 

Young Whittleback seemed to inherit few of 
his father's traits of character, taking more 
after his Dutch ancestry, and while in later 
years, when he had become famous, some old 
residents discovered that he had been remark- 
able even as a child, the truth Is that his boy- 
hood was not unlike that of the average boy 
of a country town. He graduated from the 
village school, made the usual sight-seeing ex- 
cursions to neighboring cities, went into the 
wood business with his father, and gave no 
promise of ever rising above the level of an 
ordinary country merchant. Upon his father's 
death he found himself in possession of a com- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY ii 

fortable fortune, which was augmented on the 
death of his mother by the legacy which he 
received from the Vanderwert estate. 

In build he was not unlike his Yankee for- 
bears, tall and angular; but all his movements 
were made with slowness and deliberation. 
This would have given him an appearance of 
age had it not been counteracted by his round, 
smooth face, an inheritance from his Dutch 
ancestors, from whom he had also inherited an 
amiable disposition and a habit of taking things 
as they came. Although at the entrance to 
middle life, he was still unmarried, a condition 
of affairs for which we must confess our in- 
abihty to offer a convincing excuse. Being in 
comfortable circumstances financially, he was 
disposed to take the world very easy. He was 
not actively interested in Politics. This caused 
him to be regarded as unique, but was not in 
his case taken as a fault. Indeed, instead of 
lessening his popularity, it gave him an added 
distinction as a man who dared to be, or who 
was, at any rate, different from the other citi- 
zens of the community. 



12 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

With this brief introduction we present him 
to the mercy of our indulgent readers, merely 
asking that, like all honest jurors, they with- 
hold their judgment until the record of his 
deeds is finally submitted to them. 



CHAPTER II 

AS you walked up Main Street in Sky View 
you saw just beyond the Post Office a 
building which attracted attention by the large 
black letters painted across its front: the 
SKY VIEW HOME CLUB. It was the home of 
the Club's dozen members, with Its own stew- 
ard and Its own cook, who boasted he could 
cook the best meal in the county, and where 
It was worth one's while to live. The mem- 
bership was restricted to twelve, and there 
was always a large waiting list, for the Club 
played an Important part In village affairs and 
had a famous cellar, as well, and its " Hall " 
with its great fireplace where the members 
gathered evenings was the dream of every un- 
married man in Sky View, and of some married 
ones for that matter. 

A score or so of years before this history 
begins a number of gentlemen who had no 

13 



14 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

homes and who had grown weary of leaving 
the village hotel for the boarding houses, only 
to return to the hotel again, in the hope of im- 
proving their condition, and as a protest against 
hotels and boarding houses in general and 
those of Sky View in particular, determined to 
build a home of their own where they would be 
untroubled by inquisitive landladies or obtru- 
sive chambermaids. 

No sooner had their determination got 
abroad than it raised a storm of protest, not 
only from the unattached females of the com- 
munity, but from those matrons who ruled over 
the destinies of homes. The Sewing Circle 
held several sessions to consider the matter, 
and even went so far as to insert a protest in 
The Clarion. If the male world should evolve 
such a scheme of life as this and carry it out, 
they declared, women must take a back seat. 

But the men persisted: They rented a 
large but somewhat dilapidated building on 
Main Street, made extensive improvements, and 
on the day of the formal opening of their home 
effectually overcame all opposition to their plan 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 15 

by giving a reception to the women of the 
village. Men who would invite women to 
their home and treat them to such bountiful 
refreshments could not be so bad after all, and 
as only twelve could belong to the Club any 
way, they surely could not undermine the foun- 
dations of society. 

So all opposition melted away, and the Sky 
View Home Club now numbered some of the 
leading men of the village among its members : 
Here lived Hon. Henrick Scouten, Postmaster 
and Repubhcan leader of the county; Jerome 
Alexander Tubbmann, Sky View's leading at- 
torney; the president, Solomon Costaine, a rich 
old bachelor, who had continued to live a bach- 
elor in spite of all the wiles of all the design- 
ing females of the township; Mr. Dusenbury, 
who was regarded with great awe because of 
his learning; and Joshua Harbin, one of Sky 
View's leading merchants, who held mortgages 
on more places than you could count; — men 
who will play no small part in this history, and 
with whom Mr. Whittleback, who later be- 
came a member of the Club, thought it an honor 
to associate. 



CHAPTER III 

MRS. BUSH always maintained that but 
for her the " reform movement " never 
would have begun and Mr. Whittleback never 
would have become famous. 

Mrs. Bush was a widow who kept a small 
confectionery store opposite the Post Office. 
She was tall and slim and wore spectacles. 
Because she was near sighted and slightly 
stooped she gave you the impression of being 
always on the lookout to discover something. 
She was reputed to know the history of every 
inhabitant of the village and her store was the 
clearing house for all the news of the vicinity. 

Mrs. Bush had two grievances : The man- 
ner of living indulged in by the members of 
the Home Club, and the corruption which she 
claimed existed in the village government. 
Coming down stairs one morning and finding 
that her store had been broken into during the 

i6 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 17 

night, she decided to unburden her mind to Mr. 
Harbin, the only member of the Club with 
whom she had any acquaintance. 

" Have you got your interest money ready, 
Mrs. Bush? " Mr. Harbin inquired as soon as 
she opened the door of his office. 

Mr. Harbin was not a handsome man. He 
had a pinched, drawn face, and a wolfish eye, 
and everybody who owed him money was 
afraid of him. Mrs. Bush did not regard him 
as particularly eligible, he loved money too 
well; nevertheless, she gave him her choicest 
smile and asked him how he was. 

" Times are hard, Mrs. Bush. It's a hard 
world anyway. The world has gone mad in 
a great rush for money and if a man is to 
keep up with the world he has to be going, 
going, going, all the time." 

" You're always complaining, Mr. Harbin. 
But I've come down this morning to make a 
complaint myself." 

A complaint ! In the name of all the money 
in the world for what could Mrs. Bush 'com- 
plain about Joshua Harbin? He went to 



1 8 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

church every Sunday and read his Bible every 
day. What had he done? 

Then Mrs. Bush told him what had hap- 
pened. 

And furthermore, she continued, she was 
robbed in other ways than that, and not only 
she, but all the rest of the people. Money 
was raised to clean the streets, which were 
never cleaned. Who got the money? Money 
was raised to feed the prisoners in the jail, but 
there were never any prisoners in the jail. 
Who got the money? Money was raised for 
a policeman to patrol the streets nights. Why 
didn't he do it? 

When she paused to take breath, Mr. Harbin 
asked why she complained to him. Why did 
she not complain to the village President or the 
Board of Trustees? 

Because, she said, they were all linked in 
together. Mr. Harbin knew that as well as 
she did, if he wasn't too busy making money to 
think of it, and if Mr. Harbin didn't know it, 
some of those men who belonged to this Home 
Club knew it, and she had made up her mind 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 19 

to complain to the Club. Everybody was say- 
ing what a great Club It was and she would see 
what it would do. 

She then asked Mr. Harbin if he would 
report her complaint to the Club. 

Mr. Harbin said he would, but he could not 
say it would result in any good. He was him- 
self so busy he could not attend to such matters, 
and he supposed every other member was in 
like position. 

*' And you might tell 'em, too," Mrs. Bush 
said as she turned to go, " that letting the 
Public's affairs take care of themselves isn't any 
more than is to be expected from men who go 
off and live by themselves and let good women 
who would make good wives live by them- 
selves." 



CHAPTER IV 

THE Hon. Henrick Scouten was a smil- 
ing, smooth-faced man, with pink cheeks 
and blond hair. The business of his life was 
to strengthen the Poquogg County Republican 
Organization, of which he was the leader, to 
get patronage for its members, and to increase 
the majorities of Republican candidates at 
every election. He was always doing people 
favors, not that he cared about helping any one, 
but because it might win votes for his Party. 
He sought the respect of the community, for 
that would add to his political strength and 
continue him as postmaster. He always had 
good words and bland smiles and hearty hand- 
shakes for every one. He had a very confi- 
dential way of talking, as though you were the 
one person in the world whom he considered 
worthy to share his confidence, yet he seldom 
stated anything positively; he simply suggested. 

20 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 21 

You might talk with him for a day or a week, 
but you would not find out anything he did not 
wish you to know. 

He called upon Mr. Whittleback the morn- 
ing following the receipt by the Home Club of 
Mrs. Bush's complaint, which Mr. Whittle- 
back had been selected to investigate, and 
asked how the Investigating Committee was 
getting on. Mr. Whittleback said the Com- 
mittee was ready for business. 

" Good," said Mr. Scouten. " I have a pro- 
posal to make. I asked to have you appointed 
as the Investigating Committee. I've been 
watching you for some time and I think you're 
the man we want — I mean for The Organ- 
ization. You know in Politics we're always 
looking for available men. Everybody has 
always wondered why you never went into Poli- 
tics. Now is the time. The village President 
is fighting The Organization, and we need a 
strong man to run in his place. There have 
been some irregularities going on. The thing 
to do is for you to discover and expose them 



22 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

and then run for President yourself. You will 
be elected without question." 

Mr. Whittleback thought that would depend 
somewhat on who was nominated against him. 

" No, everything will be easy sailing, for 
you will have The Organization with you and 
that is the main thing. Of course In this mat- 
ter I represent The Organization." 

"What Is The Organization?" inquired 
Mr. Whittleback. 

" Now, Mr. Whittleback," replied Mr. 
Scouten, laughing, " don't ask too many ques- 
tions. That's one thing you have to learn in 
Politics. All that will come in good time, but 
it's enough to know now that my proposal 
comes from The Organization." 

" There is only one thing which would 
induce me to run for office and that is the hope 
that I might be of service to the people." 

" That sentiment, Mr. Whittleback, does 
you much credit. It is this opportunity I offer 
you. Political organizations are good things 
if for no other reason than that they are always 
finding new men to serve the people and I think 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 23 

the people will never have cause to regret that 
we have chosen you." 

And Mr. Whittleback, believing that an 
acceptance of Mr. Scouten's proposal would 
give him a chance to serve the people, said yes, 
and entered with enthusiasm upon the work of 
investigation. 



CHAPTER V 

MR. WHITTLEBACK had been as atten- 
tive to public affairs as the average citi- 
zen. An honest man himself and dealing 
honestly in his own business, when he saw a man 
elected to office he assumed he would conduct 
the Public's affairs as honestly as his private af- 
fairs. The conditions he found existing in Sky 
View opened his eyes to the need of the Public 
taking an interest in its affairs. When he found 
that one hundred dollars had been appropriated 
every year to feed prisoners In the village jail, 
and also learned that there had been no prison- 
ers confined in the jail for three years, It was 
apparent that the keeper of the jail had money 
which belonged to the Public. When he found 
the village had been paying a thousand dollars 
yearly to have the garbage removed, and that 
the village President had sold this garbage to 
the railroad under a private contract, he con- 

24 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 25 

eluded the President had been taking the Pub- 
lic's money. It was only with the greatest diffi- 
culty that Mr. Whittleback could learn these 
facts, and others of similar character, for old 
Peter Sosser, the village clerk, had a system of 
bookkeeping all his own, which nobody could 
understand without his help, and he was not 
disposed to render Mr. Whittleback any assist- 
ance. Mike Rafferty, Sky View's only police- 
man, had long been paid a yearly sum to patrol 
the streets at night, yet he was never known to 
be on duty more than once a month. 

Mr. Whittleback was shocked to find such 
dishonesty and negligence in public servants 
who were known to be honest and careful in 
their private affairs, but he was no less surprised 
to find how unconcerned the Public had been 
about the management of Its business. And 
he had been no less indifferent than the rest. 
He had paid his taxes, read The Clarion^ voted 
his Party ticket, listened to speeches on Honesty 
delivered by the Party's orators, but he had 
never bothered to find out whether or not the 
Public's money was being properly spent or 



26 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

whether or not public servants were doing their 
duty. 

Mr. Whittleback was a very different man 
from Mr. Harbin. That gentleman knew 
nothing about public affairs, for he cared 
nothing about them; he could see no profit in 
bothering with them; seldom did he avail him- 
self of the privilege of voting, unless a propo- 
sition came up to increase taxes to make an 
improvement, when he always voted no. But 
Mr. Whittleback bitterly regretted his neglect 
of public affairs. To be sure, he had been no 
worse than his fellow citizens, and yet he con- 
cluded it was almost a crime for a citizen to 
take no interest in public affairs, for if the Pub- 
lic paid more attention to its affairs there would 
be fewer men enriching themselves because of 
the Public's Ignorance. 

Now Mr. Whittleback would atone for his 
neglect, he would do all in his power to reform 
conditions, and as the first means to this end 
he would bring the facts he had discovered to 
the attention of the people. The editor of 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 27 

The Clarion would surely be glad to print 
them. 

The editor was very sorry, but the village 
officials were customers of his and he could not 
afford to lose their patronage by printing any- 
thing which would reflect upon their adminis- 
tration. He would be very glad, however, to 
sell Mr. Whitdeback space and to insert his 
discoveries in the form of advertising matter. 
This method Mr. Whittleback was obliged to 
adopt, for The Clarion was the only newspaper 
In the village. 

Now Mr. Whittleback's greatest surprise 
was in store for him, for the publication of his 
discoveries aroused the anger of many re- 
spected citizens w^ho thought their business 
might be interfered with. Several brick mak- 
ers in towns farther down the river threatened 
to buy no more wood of him. Many of Sky 
View's " representative citizens " refused to 
speak to him; others abused him for doing 
that which, they said, would break up the Party 
and give not only the village election but the 
succeeding county election to the Democrats; 



28 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

while others ridiculed the whole proceeding. 
In this last class was the distinguished Mr. 
Tubbmann. This did not trouble Mr. Whit- 
tleback very much, for Mr. Tubbmann was 
nominally a Democrat, until it began to be 
rumored that he was to be employed to reply 
to Mr. Whittleback's charges. This was so 
important a matter that Mr. Whittleback went 
to the Post Office to consult Mr. Scouten about 
it. 

" Glad to see you, Mr. Whittleback," said 
Mr. Scouten, giving him a hearty handshake, 
and leading him into his private office. *' Sit 
down and have a cigar." 

Mr. Whittleback began at once on the sub- 
ject of Mr. Tubbmann and the investigation. 

" How long has the investigation been going 
on, Mr. Whittleback?" 

" Three weeks." 

" And they're berating you and laughing at 
you and threatening you and everybody is talk- 
ing about it? " 

" Yes, I'll be blessed if they aren't going 
for me at a great rate. I'm an outcast. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 29 

Instead of being a public benefactor you would 
think I was a public enemy." 

"The Public is becoming interested. It's a 
good symptom. The most difficult thing is to 
get the Public interested in its own affairs. It's 
time, though, to get a recruit. Let's go see 
Tubbmann." 



CHAPTER VI 

MR. Tubbmann was the most picturesque 
man in Sky View. It was not so much 
because of his imposing figure, his great head of 
curly white hair, or his fine face and clear blue 
eyes; it was the distinctive way in which he car- 
ried himself, with, the head erect and the eyes al- 
ways gazing oli into space, his manner of doing 
the most trivial things as though they were the 
most important, and the most important things 
as though they were the most trivial, that made 
him the most unique character in the village. 
Whenever he passed along the street with his 
stately stride, swinging his right hand forward 
with a determined air, people looked out of 
their windows and said: "There goes Mr. 
Tubbmann. What a fine walk he has," or, 
" What a splendid appearance he makes," and 
they wondered why he had never become Gov- 
ernor or Senator or even President. 

30 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 31 

Mr. Tubbmann always claimed to be 
engaged on an Important case. When Mr. 
Scouten and Mr. Whittleback entered his office 
he had his table full of books, but he was pac- 
ing up and down the floor wondering what he 
could do to remedy the low state of his finances. 
He said, " Good morning, gentlemen," and 
condescended so far as to shake hands. 

'* I know you're a busy man, Mr. Tubb- 
mann," said Mr. Scouten. " But Mr. Whit- 
tleback and I had a little matter we wished to 
discuss with you." 

Mr. Tubbmann motioned them to take seats, 
but still continued to pace the floor. 

" You know, Mr. Tubbmann," Mr. Scouten 
continued, " we're all trying to serve the 
Public." 

Mr. Tubbmann stopped suddenly, turned to 
Mr. Scouten and exclaimed: " Serve the Pub- 
lic! Why, there Isn't one man in six who's in 
Politics to serve the Public." 

" Don't be too hard on us politicians, Mr. 
Tubbmann." 

*' Hard on you ! Do you think I was born 



32 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

yesterday, Scouten? Do you think I don't un- 
derstand the present political system? Do you 
think I don't know that the Public's welfare is 
considered only so far as it adds to the welfare 
of the Parties?" 

" Well I'll be blessed ! " ejaculated Mr. Whit- 
tleback. 

"Are you ambitious to serve the Public, 
Whittleback? " Mr. Tubbmann continued, turn- 
ing to that gentleman. "If you are, you don't 
want to be travelling around with Scouten.'* 

"We came here this morning, Mr. Tubb- 
mann," interposed Mr. Scouten, " to see if you 
would make a little deal with us in the matter 
of Politics." 

" Come into the back room," responded Mr. 
Tubbmann, as he led the way into his private 
office and handed out a box of cigars. " Sit 
down and make yourselves at home." 

" In the first place, Mr. Tubbmann," con- 
tinued Mr. Scouten, after the cigars were 
lighted, " would you have any scruples about 
supporting a man who was not of your Party? " 

"Scruples!" rejoined Mr. Tubbmann, with 



THE AxMERICAN COMEDY 33 

a flourish of his right arm. " Scruples ! Why, 
they're both run the same, aren't they? They 
both play the game the same way." 

''There, that's settled. Now, Mr. Tubb- 
m.ann, from what we have been hearing we have 
come to the conclusion that you don't think 
much of this investigation." 

" No," replied Mr. Tubbmann with emphasis. 
" A lot of nonsense." 

" There's no denying the fact that there are 
things that need investigation," said Mr. Scou- 
ten. " A Republican might as well get the 
credit of these reforms as some Democrat. 
Why can't Mr. Whittleback become popular by 
reforming his own Part}^? Then when he's 
nominated for village President he will be 
elected. Now if you will give Mr. Whittleback 
your support in this investigation and help elect 
him, we will appoint you village counsel." 

Mr. Tubbmann said he could hardly attend 
to any extra work, being engaged on a very 
important case just then, but if he could render 
any service to his friends it could never be said 
of Jerome Alexander Tubbmann, a member of 



34 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the Bar for thirty years, that he had failed to 
do so. 

*' This President and these Trustees haven't 
been representing the people," interposed Mr. 
Whittleback with vehemence. " Why should 
we have to wait until election day to get them 
out of office? They should be removed at 
once." 

" Pass an ordinance permitting the people to 
vote office holders out of office If they aren't 
satisfied with them," replied Mr. Tubbmann. 

" A fine suggestion, Mr. Tubbmann, a fine 
suggestion. That shall be one of my recom- 
mendations. And not only in this village 
should that be possible, but all over the State." 

" Go to the Capital and have a Bill passed 
making it a law throughout the State. You can 
do that before the Legislature closes this 
spring," said Mr. Tubbmann, and gave his 
right arm a magnificent flourish, as though the 
passage of the Bill were a very simple matter. 

" Another fine suggestion," exclaimed Mr. 
Whittleback with enthusiasm. " Mr. Scouten, 
this is encouraging." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 35 

*' Yes," replied that gentleman. *' It's time 
you had some encouragement, Mr. Whittleback. 
Now I think it's time to have a public meeting. 
I would like to have you attend the public meet- 
ing, Mr. Tubbmann, and say something nice 
about our friend here." 

" There won't be any trouble on that line, 
Scouten. We'll make Whittleback just as great 
a man as you say." 

"Thank you, Mr. Tubbmann," said Mr. 
Scouten, " and congratulations also. You are 
Mr. Whittleback's first recruit." 



CHAPTER VII 

THE public meeting had been so well ad- 
vertised that the Town Hall was filled to 
overflowing long before the hour it was an- 
nounced to begin. There were Democrats and 
Republicans, women and children, visitors from 
the interior of the county, district leaders of 
both Parties. Some came to laugh, others to 
gibe, but most came from mere curiosity. The 
village band occupied a portion of the platform 
and kept the audience in good humor until the 
hour arrived. Then the members of the Sky 
View Home Club ascended the platform and 
took the seats which had been reserved for 
them. Their appearance was greeted by a 
cheer from Mr. Scouten's lieutenants, who were 
stationed about the hall. A few minutes later 
when the band had stopped and all was quiet 
in came Mr. Whittleback escorted by Mr. 
Scouten and Mr. Tubbmann. A thunder of 

36 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 37 

applause greeted his entrance. The members 
of the Club stood up and hurrahed for him, 
the band played, " See the Conquering Hero 
Come," and the children waved flags and 
shouted at the top of their voices. No one 
was more surprised at this demonstration than 
Mr. Whittleback himself. He had let Mr. 
Scouten make the arrangements for the meeting. 
" The only thing you will have to do," Mr. 
Scouten had told him, " will be to make your 
report and give your recommendations." If 
Mr. Whittleback was surprised at the demon- 
stration, the crowd were no less surprised to see 
the Hon. Henrick Scouten and Jerome Alex- 
ander Tubbmann as his escort, and their sur- 
prise was not diminished when Mr. Tubbmann 
came to the front of the platform and began to 
address them. 

" My friends," he exclaimed, running the 
fingers of his right hand- rapidly through his 
hair, " we meet here to-night as citizens." Ap- 
plause by the lieutenants. " We're American 
citizens. I would rather be a citizen of 
America than of any other countr}^ under the 



38 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

sun. We don't have to have a King and Lords 
and Dukes to govern us. We govern our- 
selves." More applause. " When it comes to 
a question of citizenship, Fm not a party man, 
I'm an American." Again the lieutenants led 
the cheering in which the audience joined. He 
then paid a fine tribute to the Sky View Home 
Club and explained that when a complaint had 
been made to the Club in regard to village af- 
fairs, the Club had appointed as a committee 
to investigate " that distinguished citizen of 
our village, who is ever willing to sacrifice his 
own comfort to the good of the Public, Na- 
thaniel Whittleback." Such cheering and shout- 
ing Mr. Whittleback had never before heard 
in all his life, and to think that it was all for 
him. " We have met here to-night," Mr. 
Tubbmann continued, " to hear his report. 
Whom will you have for your chairman?" 

Mr. Scouten was nominated amid applause, 
for the Democrats in the audience were too 
much surprised at Mr. Tubbman's speech to 
make a nomination. There were a dozen sec- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 39 

onds and Mr. Scouten was elected by acclama- 
tion. 

" Fellow citizens," he said, coming forward, 
*' I am glad to see so many of you here to- 
night. It speaks well for the cause of Ameri- 
can llbert}^" 

The lieutenants began to cheer, but Mr. Scou- 
ten checked them by a wave of his hand. 

It was not to be expected, he continued, that 
evils would not creep into popular government, 
but when wrongs were discovered they should 
be righted, no matter where found, and the 
people were Indebted to the man who discov- 
ered them. 

" It's a domned he! " shouted old Mike Raf- 
ferty, as he arose from his seat, resplendent In 
his blue coat and brass buttons. " And I'll 
swear It's nothing more than a reflection on me 
cha-rack-ter as an honest man." 

" That's all right, Mike," replied Mr. Scou- 
ten good naturedly. 

*' It's all right, is it? It's a reflection on me 
cha-rack-ter as a police officer and me fawther 



40 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

afore me," and Mr. Rafferty shook his fist at 
Mr. Scouten and sat down. 

" Ladies and gentlemen," said Mr. Scouten, 
" I take pleasure in presenting to you your fel- 
low townsman and distinguished citizen, Na- 
thaniel Whittleback." 

" My friends," Mr. Whittleback began, when 
the applause of the lieutenants had subsided, 
*' I wish I was an orator like Mr. Tubbmann, 
but Tm not. You know my mother was Dutch 
and I lay it to that." Laughter. ^* IVe heard 
so much said against me lately that I hardly 
know what to think of this meeting, but I'll 
tell you right at the beginning that IVe done 
no more than any citizen ought to be willing 
to do." 

The lieutenants applauded, but the rest of 
the audience remained silent and critical. 

Mr. Whittleback then told why he under- 
took the Investigation, and gave a statement 
of what he had found. 

" Now, my friends," he continued In a con- 
versational tone, as though he were speaking to 
each one individually, " Fm a Republican and 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 41 

some of you are Democrats, but we're all fellow 
townsmen, and when I see the men we have 
elected to office putting our money in their 
pockets and giving us no equivalent, I say it's 
wrong." 

" You're right," came a voice from the audi- 
ence. 

" But I'm only one; it's what you say that 
goes." 

" We're with you," came another voice. 

" I'm not a politician," Mr. Whittleback con- 
tinued, " I'm just a plain, ordinary man, but in 
the way I look at public office it's a contract 
between the people and the man they elect. 
You vote a man into office because he promises 
to serve you. Why shouldn't you have the 
privilege of voting him out of office right away 
when you find he's broken his contract and isn't 
serving you? Why should you be compelled 
to wait until his term is out? If you hire a 
man to work your farm and he doesn't suit, 
can't you discharge him if he breaks his con- 
tract? " 

*' Now youVe talking sense," shouted a 



42 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

weather-beaten old farmer from the interior of 
the county who had walked six miles to attend 
the meeting. 

" I'm not a public speaker and I never held 
an office," Mr. Whittleback went on, " but I 
undertook this investigation and I've told you 
what I found and now I want to recommend 
some things that have occurred to me." 

He then recommended several remedies to 
improve local conditions. 

" And I also want to recommend that an 
ordinance be passed by the village board giving 
the voters of this village the right to vote any 
man out of office as soon as he doesn't do his 
duty, and that a Bill be introduced in the Legis- 
lature permitting the same thing to be done all 
over the State. And last of all I suggest that 
you citizens take more interest in your affairs 
from now on." 

The lieutenants did not need to cheer then. 
Without any of the arts of the orator Mr. Whit- 
tleback had won the audience by his frankness 
and good sense. He might be plain, he might 
be radical, but he was honest. They cheered, 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 45 

they waved their hats, the lieutenants shouted: 
"What's the matter with Whittleback? " 
And those on the platform answered: " He's all 
right," until everybody was hoarse. 

Mr. Scouten came forward and was about 
to ask for a motion to adopt the report and 
recommendations, when from the rear of the 
hall a man who had just come in shouted: " I'd 
like to ask Whittleback what he's getting out of 
this?'' 

Then there were hisses and cries of, " He's 
a Democrat," and '^ Put him out," in the midst 
of which a young and enthusiastic Republican 
went up to the new-comer and inquired with a 
sneer: ''You're a Democrat, aren't you?" 
" Yes," replied the man, in a voice that could be 
heard over the hall; " and what if I am? " 

" That shows you're a fool," retorted the 
young Republican. 

Everybody now expected a fight, and no one 
was disappointed. 

" Mr. Rafferty," shouted Mr. Scouten, " you 
had better preserve order." 

Mr. Rafferty had already started toward the 



44 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

scene of hostilities. His method of ending a 
fight was peculiarly his own. " Make way I " 
he shouted. Everybody made way. Then 
when a clear space was opened up between him- 
self and the combatants, he started forward 
and threw himself against them with all his 
might, much as a bowling ball is rolled against 
the pins, and with much the same effect, for Mr. 
Rafferty was so fat and the force of the im- 
pact was so great that he knocked both com- 
batants off their feet and was soon bearing them 
away in triumph to the village jail. 

This unfortunate occurrence seemed to break 
up the good feeling which had prevailed and to 
divide the audience on party lines; for a " dyed 
In the wool " Democrat arose and moved that 
Mr. Whittleback's report be adopted, and took 
advantage of the occasion to berate the Republi- 
can Party in general and the Republicans of Sky 
View in particular; a "Black" Republican 
replied by denouncing the Democrats in general 
and that Democrat in particular; Mr. Scou- 
ten rapped loudly to secure order, without 
success, when, In the midst of the growing 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 45 

tumult, Mr. Tubbmann stepped to the edge of 
the platform and motioned the crowd to be 
silent. When quiet was partially restored, he 
began in his fine, rich voice which reached to 
the farthest corners of the room: "My 
friends, up through the ages the men of every 
clime have dreamed of being free. The pa- 
triots of every nation have fought and bled 
for freedom. Through the gloom of the cen- 
turies the hope of libert\^ has been the light 
which has beckoned men onward. Far away 
from the Old World, in a new land, where a 
great, brave people reared their homes out of 
the primeval wilderness, the dream at last was 
realized." 

The hall was as still as death, and men, 
women and children leaned forward pale with 
emotion. 

Need he tell them that America was that 
country and they that people? They too had 
fought to preserve what they had won. Many 
there were before him who had sent a soldier 
boy away never to return. That was patri- 
otism. To be brave when the drums beat and 



46 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the battle raged was patriotism. But there 
was another patriotism, the patriotism of peace, 
which led a man to stand for what he believed 
was right, no matter what he suffered. He 
was the greater hero. There was such a man 
among them, who had spent weeks of his time 
in their behalf, who had come here to-night to 
tell them the result. That man was a hero. 
That man he would then and there place in 
nomination for President of Sky View at the 
coming election; that man's report and recom- 
mendations should be adopted by a rising vote, 
and he would so move, together with a vote of 
thanks, for that man was that splendid patriot 
and hero of peace — Nathaniel Whittleback! 



CHAPTER VHI 

MR. WHITTLEBACK had captured Sky 
View. Everybody was talking about 
him. He was pointed out to strangers as " our 
distinguished citizen." The newsboys took off 
their eaps to him. The Clarion devoted the 
front page of its next issue to his picture and a 
sketch of his life and a history of his father's 
honorable career in county Politics. The Sew- 
ing Circle discussed him and praised his cour- 
age, but regretted that he was not a family man. 
The select coterie that played dominoes in the 
rear of the blacksmith shop had him as the topic 
of conversation. At the grocery stores the 
usual evening talk of horses and sports was 
abandoned for discussion of the public meeting 
and what Mr. Whittleback would do and 
whether he would fight " The Organization," 
for until then it was an unheard-of thing and 
against all known rules of Politics for a Re- 
publican to attack his own Party, but all agreed 

♦7 



48 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

he was a coming man, and that they hadn't 
thought he had it in him. 

When it became known that he was to be 
nominated for village President, political 
leaders who lorded it over election districts 
came to confer with him. County politicians 
with a very important air volunteered to advise 
him. He was obliged to hear applicants for 
the village clerkship recite their qualifications. 
Candidates for the position of policeman beset 
him at all times of the day and night. His 
office, which had always been a quiet place, 
where business was carried on in an easy, matter- 
of-fact manner, as befitted an establishment of 
many years' standing, was now the scene of 
bustle and excitement, with people coming and 
going: Some came requesting passes on the 
railroad; others came requesting positions in 
the public service, and still others came to sug- 
gest their pet schemes for the promotion of the 
Public's welfare. Many came to make com- 
plaints. In fact, Mr. Whittleback was so popu- 
lar and was so busy receiving petitioners and 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 49 

advisers, and listening to congratulations and 
offers of assistance, that he had little time to 
eat or sleep. 

One morning a stranger made his way 
through the crowd in the outer office and re- 
quested a private audience. To the trained 
eye he had all the earmarks of a sharper, but 
Mr. Whittleback shook hands with him and led 
him into his private room. 

*' You will pardon me, Mr. Whittleback,'' 
said the stranger, " but you are well known, and 
I want to make you better known. I am Mr. 
Hatwell of New York and I represent the 
Portraiture Magazine/' 

He handed Mr. Whittleback a card and con- 
tinued: "We shall have the histories and pho- 
tographs of several prominent men of the coun- 
try in our March number and we want yours to 
be one of them." 

"Well," said Mr. Whittleback, "I'll be 
blessed if I can imagine what will come next." 

" It's a regular thing," said Mr. Hatwell. 
^* Everybody does it and you can't become 



so THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

famous without it. For instance, in the March 
number we shall have a new literary man, a 
popular preacher, a well-known politician and 
a reformer — yourself, Mr. Whittleback." 

He said of course there was some expense 
in the matter, but the magazine had a circula- 
tion of over a million, and fifty dollars was a 
very small price to pay for an introduction to so 
many readers. That the scheme was a popular 
one was shown by the fact that no man to whom 
the proposition had been presented had turned 
it down. 

This easy and cheap way of becoming famous 
so appealed to Mr. Whittleback, that he re- 
marked: " I've never spent any money on this 
sort of thing and I suppose I might afford a 
little. It would be quite an advertisement for 
the campaign." 

Encouraged by this remark, Mr. Hatwell be- 
gan talking again, and before he had finished 
talking he had fifty dollars of Mr. Whittleback's 
money, and Mr. Whittleback had his receipt for 
the same, and after he had gone Mr. Whittle- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 51 

back hardly knew v/hether to be glad or sorry. 
But it did seem that Fame, that fickle god- 
dess, had chosen Mr. Whittleback for one of 
her own, and only asked him to do his part and 
leave the rest to her. 



CHAPTER IX 

MR. WHITTLEBACK did not under- 
stand why everybody should think he had 
gone into Politics simply because he was en- 
gaged in a fight for good government. To 
hold public office was not to his liking. He had 
consented to become a candidate for village 
President only for the sake of reforming the 
village government. After the enthusiastic re- 
ception accorded him at the public meeting he 
had supposed all would be easy sailing. Im- 
agine his surprise, therefore, when Mr. Scouten 
told him he must begin to study figures. 

*' Figures!'* exclaimed Mr. Whittleback. 
"What figures?'* 

" Why, the figures showing the votes the can- 
didates received at the last village election. 
We have a fight on our hands and you will have 
to be informed on local Politics so you can talk 
Intelligently with the boys and make a good 
Impression. Here are last year's figures. Sat- 

5* 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 53 

terley's district gave the Republican candidate 
a majority of thirty. Satterley's going to run 
himself this year and he'll get more than that." 

" What's Satterley going to run for? " 

" For Trustee, and he has two important 
qualifications," replied Mr. Scouten, laughing. 
'' He is a vote-getter, and he will take orders 
from The Organization, and both qualifications 
are important just now, for even if we carry the 
election, we will have only two Republican 
Trustees to two Democratic Trustees, but of 
course your election will give us a majority." 

" Who is our other candidate? " 

" Trusdall." 

*' I don't like him any better than Satterley," 
exclaimed Mr. Whittleback. " I don't see why 
the people want such men holding office." 

'' They don't want 'em, but The Organiza- 
tion wants 'em. When we want to put things 
through we want men who will do as they are 
told, and when you become President you want 
men who will be with you in what you under- 
take." 

This sentiment struck Mr. Whittleback as 



54 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

so reasonable that in spite of his personal dis- 
like for his fellow candidates he consented to 

take up what Mr. Scouten called the preliminary 
work of the campaign. Every evening, in com- 
pany with that untiring public servant, he visited 
those grocery stores which were strongholds of 
Republicanism, met the citizens who congre- 
gated there, talked and smoked with them, gave 
them the best hearty handshakes he could com- 
mand, passed around the cigars with the munifi- 
cence of a newly married man, laughed at their 
jokes, and compelled their admiration by his 
knowledge of the exact number of votes the 
Party polled in each election district at the last 
election. He even condescended so far as to 
accompany Mr. Scouten to Mr. Satterley's ho- 
tel, and talked and smoked with the members 
of the Republican Party who frequented that 
retreat. In short, he was so determined to suc- 
ceed, and made such a good impression upon 
all sides, that Mr. Scouten congratulated him 
upon his progress and assured him that he was 
a true son of his father. Then Mr. Scouten 
would introduce him to another " good Re- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY S5 

publican " and pat the " good Republican " on 
the back and tell Mr. Whittleback what a fine 
fellow he was, and inform the " good Republi- 
can " what a fortunate thing it w^as for the 
Party that they had discovered Mr. Whittle- 
back, for he was proving himself to be a regu- 
lar chip off the old block. 

Thus did Mr. Whittleback spend his time 
until the convention came, and then — so well 
had Mr. Scouten managed things — there was 
not a dissenting voice, and Mr. Whittleback was 
unanimously nominated by the Republican Party 
as its candidate for President of Sky View. 

" Now, Mr. Whittleback," said Mr. Scouten, 
" you m.ust see The Organization." 



CHAPTER X 

THE Organization was a political com- 
mittee composed of two members from 
each town in the county. It had absolute con- 
trol of the affairs of the Republican Party in 
Poquogg County. It was represented in State 
affairs by its Chairman, Mr. Scouten, who was a 
member of the State Committee. Every man 
who received a political appointment In the 
county had first to secure the endorsement of 
The Organization. The money which the 
Republican State Committee allotted to Po- 
quogg County in State elections was placed with 
The Organization and by It expended. If a 
man desired to receive the nomination for so 
small an office as constable, he must receive the 
consent of the committeemen who represented 
his town. After the Party In any section of the 
county made nominations, Mr. Scouten called 
The Organization together to have a private 
audience with the candidates. It was to an au- 

56 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 57 

dience with this august body that Mr. Whittle- 
back, shortly after his nomination, received a 
summons. 

He went to the Post Office on the evening 
appointed and found there his fellow candi- 
dates, Messrs. Satterley and Trusdall. The 
members of The Organization were seated 
around a large table, smoking and chatting. 
Mr. Scouten occupied a seat at the head of the 
table, and upon Mr. Whittleback's entrance 
bade him a hearty welcome and introduced him 
to his associates. After being introduced all 
around, Mr. Whittleback was given the seat of 
honor near the head of the table and one of the 
members passed a box of cigars. The Organi- 
zation had evidently been occupied with various 
matters of business before Mr. Whittleback's 
arrival, for the table was covered with letters 
and maps and sample ballots and boxes of ci- 
gars, and at one end of the table were glasses 
and a decanter, which, judging from the smell, 
contained whiskey, and which, Mr. Whittle- 
back soon learned, was much in demand by 
some of the company. 



58 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" Mr. Whittleback," said Mr. Harker, 
'' you're the slickest thing yet. The way you 
got these people so quick with this idea of re- 
forming your own Party commands my admira- 
tion. It's a new one all right," 

Mr. Harker was the youngest man in The 
Organization, and represented the younger ele- 
ment in county Politics. He had wrested the 
leadership of one of the inland towns from its 
old time leader by changing the hour of a con- 
vention on some of the public notices and had 
thus carried through his own program. Com- 
ing into The Organization with such a recom- 
mendation for political ability, he was honored 
with the responsible position of Secretary. He 
was an energetic, business-like young man, and 
even had designs upon Mr. Scouten's position. 

" Yes," remarked Mr. Windy, a big, red- 
faced, white-haired man, who held the record 
for years of service to the Party. " A man 
that's as slick as you, Whittleback, ought to be 
running for Congress instead of for President 
of a village," and Mr. Windy gave a long puff 
on his cigar and the smoke rolled up above his 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 59 

red face in such volume that it gave the face the 
appearance of a miniature volcano in eruption. 

" It's only a matter of time," suggested an- 
other member, making a visit to the decanter. 

To these remarks and many others of similar 
character, together with suggestions and plans 
for the campaign, Mr. Whittleback made no 
reply, other than to nod his head occasionally 
and to continue smoking his cigar. To tell the 
truth, he was not so interested as he should 
have been, perhaps, in all this talk of methods 
and figures; so when he had finished his cigar 
and had given the members a chance to look 
him over, he said he was very glad to have met 
the gentlemen, and as he had had a busy day 
he guessed he would be going over to the Club. 

" I think, Mr. Whittleback," suggested Mr. 
Harker, smiling, " that The Organization has 
a little business to transact with you before you 

go." 

" You'll have to explain to him, Harker," re- 
marked Mr. Windy in an undertone. " He's 
new at the game." 

" I suppose you know, Mr. Whittleback," 



6o THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

said Mr. Harker, '' that you never could 
have been nominated if we had not endorsed 
you?'' 

" I know," Mr. Whittleback replied, '' that 
Mr. Scouten, who said he represented you, 
asked me to run." 

" Do you realize that we have also got to 
elect you? " 

" No, I supposed the people would do that." 

" That's where you made a mistake, Mr. 
Whittleback," Mr. Harker continued, and all 
the members vigorously shook their heads; 
** we not only nominated you, but we have got 
to elect you." 

At a nod from Mr. Scouten, one of the mem- 
bers placed the decanter and a glass in front of 
Mr. Whittleback and asked him if he would 
not try a little of The Organization's whiskey. 

" That's right," interposed Mr. Windy, the 
volcano again bursting into eruption. " Let's 
all have a little." 

The success of every political campaign, 
continued Mr. Harker, after they had all drunk 
to the Party's success, depended upon The Or- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 6i 

ganlzation which conducted It, and of course to 
conduct a campaign properly cost money. So 
it was the custom to assess candidates In pro- 
portion to the value of their offices. The office 
of President of Sky View, although one of 
honor, paid no salary and for that reason might 
not be considered so good an office as some 
others which The Organization would have at 
its disposal In the fall, but it was a good be- 
ginning. 

" So we have fixed your assessment, Mr. 
Whittleback, at one hundred dollars." 

Mr. Whittleback was so dumbfounded by 
this announcement that It was some time before 
he could recover his composure sufficiently to 
ask why more money was wanted of him, as he 
had already given Mr. Scouten a hundred 
dollars. 

The Organization had not heard of that. 
The members turned to the Chairman and at 
last Mr. Harker asked Mr. Scouten if it was 
true. 

Mr. Scouten said It was true, but that one 
hundred dollars was for preliminary expenses 



62 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

which in no way concerned The Organization, 

The members of The Organization thought 
it did concern them. 

'' Gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Satterley, 
whose visits to the decanter had been frequent, 
" perhaps Mister Scouten's forgot to divide up. 
It's always gentlemanly. Mister Scouten, to 
divide up." 

" Satterley, be silent," said Mr. Scouten, and 
Mr. Satterley and The Organization pursued 
the subject no further. 

" Yes, Mr. Whittleback," Mr. Scouten con- 
tinued, " Harker's right about this matter of 
campaigns. I've had more experience in Poli- 
tics in the last twenty years than anyone here, 
with the exception of Mr. Windy, and I ought 
to know. In fact, it was here in Poquogg 
County that the practice of paying voters first 
began. That was when Wheedle was leader. 
You can't remember it, Harker, it was before 
your time, but Mr. Windy can? " 

" You bet," said Mr. Windy. 

" Of course, that was a good many years 
ago," Mr. Scouten continued, " but I can re- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 63 

member seeing him stand on the corner down 
here on election day with a box of cigars in one 
pocket and a roll of bills in the other and take 
the voters around the corner and fix 'em up. 
It wasn't very long before the practice began 
all over the country, so that you can't run a cam 
paign now without money any more than a man 
can be nominated without The Organization'^ 
endorsement." 

" Yes," interrupted Mr. Satterley, rising to 
his feet and steadying himself by his chair, 
" that's right, Mr. Whittleback. And Mr. 
Wheedle, where do you suppose he is now? 
Why, he's in Congress ! " 

" Satterley, sit down ! " shouted Mr. Scouten. 
And Mr. Satterley obeyed. 

*' Are the other candidates assessed?" in- 
quired Mr. Whittleback. 

" Yes, my friend," said the irrepressible Mr. 
Satterley. '' Assessed to be sure. You can't 
get out of it, I can't get out of it, Trusdall 
here can't get out of it, and if there's any getting 
out of a thing like this Trusdall will get out 
of it." 



64 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" Yes,'* remarked Mr. Trusdall resignedly, 
" we're all In the same boat." 

" And you can't do any better by going to the 
Democrats," Mr. Satterley continued. " They 
run their party the same way. Don't they, 
Boss?" 

" Yes," replied Mr. Scouten gruffly. " Sat- 
terley, suppose you keep still for a while." 

*' Well, gentlemen," said Mr. Whittleback, 
'* if this is what a man has got to do to be 
elected to office, my opinion is it costs more than 
it comes to, and I don't see how you get men 
to take your offices." 

"Ah, Mr. Whittleback," interrupted Mr. 
Harker, " don't be too hasty. That might be 
true of other men, but not of you. You have a 
great future before you. Your scheme of vot- 
ing crooked officials out of office will take. It's 
right. We'll stand back of you on it. It may 
be one of our best known political reforms. 
You've a big chance. You may not like some 
things in Politics, but you can never help the 
people by staying out of Politics. Now you've 
started, I say go on." 



THE AMERICAN COiMEDY 6s 

Was this young man who seemed so old in 
experience speaking truth? Could he do some- 
thing for his fellow citizens of Sky View? It 
was more than he had bargained for, but The 
Organization could evidently defeat him if it 
wished, even though he had been nominated. 
If he were defeated for President now, his 
chances of serving the Public might end for- 
ever. If he was to be in a position to accom- 
phsh anything for the Public, he must make 
sacrifices. Now that he had begun, he might 
as well see it through. Impelled by these con- 
siderations, Mr. Whittleback at length ex- 
pressed himself as willing to comply with The 
Organization's demand, that honorable body 
agreeing then and there, however, that it would 
stand back of him in reforming the village gov- 
ernment, and that it would spend his money for 
none but legitimate expenses. 

*' You'll never lose anything by sticking to 
The Organization," Mr. Harker assured him. 
*'We assume all responsibility for your elec- 
tion. You let us manage things and you'll see 



66 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

when the votes are counted that your confidence 
in us has not been misplaced." 

" I knew he'd come around all right," re- 
marked Mr. Windy. 

Then that veteran politician proposed a toast 
to, "The Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, Sky 
View's next President," to which all responded 
heartily. As a further evidence of their good 
feeling, they invited him to go with them to Mr. 
Satterley's hotel, which was The Organization's 
headquarters in Sky View. This, however, 
Mr. Whittleback respectfully declined to do, 
as he had seen enough of The Organization for 
that evening and was glad to get back to the 
Club, 

i 
We have been so busy following Mr. Whit- 
tleback through the activities of the political 
world that we have had no time to give to The 
Home Club the place that it deserves in this 
history. But for this shelter to which he could 
repair we doubt if Mr. Whittleback could ever 
have stood the strain of political life. This 
was a very haven of refuge. Here no business 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 67 

could be transacted. No petitioners for office 
ever crossed its threshold. What better relief 
from the worries of Politics than to sit down 
here to a quiet game of cards with President 
Costaine, or to listen to old Mr. Dusenbury 
give the history of his latest experiment in the 
cause of Science, or to sit within the shadow of 
the great blazing fire in the Hall and listen to 
" Hercules," steward and Major Domo of the 
place, sing a song or dance a jig? 

Blessings on the Sky View Home Club for all 
it did for Mr. Whittleback in those troublous 
times. May its Hall fire burn for many gener- 
ations, as long, indeed, as Sky View shall have a 
place in history, and may it always shelter mem- 
bers as worthy as he. 



CHAPTER XI 

OLD Mr. Withey, who had lost a leg in the 
war, and who kept a news stand near the 
Post Office, was awakened from one of his 
morning naps by the entrance of a man who 
seemed to be in a great hurry. The man 
snatched a magazine from the table and began 
to look at it eagerly. Then Mr. Withey rec- 
ognized the man as Mr. Whittleback. It was 
the first day of the month and it was upon that 
dav Mr. Hatwell had said the Portraiture 
Magazine was published and a million copies 
distributed in various parts of the United States. 
There it was, sure enough, the cover adorned 
with a fine portrait — but it was not Mr. Whit- 
tleback's portrait I Well, Mr. Whittleback did 
not expect it would be on the cover, so he 
glanced rapidly through the pages to see where 
it was. He did not see it anywhere. He then 
pulled a chair up to the table and, sitting down, 
went through the magazine again. He could 

68 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 69 

not find it. He looked at the cover. It was 
the Portraiture Magazine, there was no doubt 
about that, and It was to the Portraiture Mag- 
azine that he had paid fifty dollars to have pub- 
lished his picture and a sketch of his life. He 
went through the magazine page by page, but 
he could not see a sign of his picture anywhere, 
or a sketch of his life, or even his name. Then 
for the first time it occurred to him that he 
had been duped. 

" Find what you want? " inquired Mr. 
Withey, whose curiosity had been aroused. 

''No," replied Mr. Whittleback, "I'll be 
blessed if I can find anything I want. I guess 
they've left it out," he remarked, after he had 
gone through the magazine for the fourth time. 

" Better be left out in there than be left out 
on election day," said Mr. Withey. 

But this consolatory remark did not restore 
Mr. Whittleback' s good humor, for he paced 
the floor a few moments and then exclaimed: 
*' I'll be blessed if I don't teach him," and pay- 
ing for the magazine he hastened away, and 
Mr. Withey hobbled to the window just in time 



70 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

to see him going up the stairway that led to 
Mr. Tubbmann's law offices. 

" Come in," said Mr. Tubbmann, in answer 
to Mr. Whittleback's knock. 

Mr. Whittleback was so excited he forgot 
to say good morning, but thrust the magazine 
into Mr. Tubbman's hands and exclaimed: 
" See if you can find my picture or name in 
there." 

** Be seated," said Mr. Tubbmann. Then 
putting on his spectacles with a flourish, he 
hastily scanned the magazine's pages and shook 
his head. 

"That's what I thought," said Mr. Whit- 
tleback. '* Well then, Mr. Tubbmann, I've 
been cheated and insulted, and I came to see 
what I can do about it." 

" Put the law on 'em." 

" Something ought to be done to teach such 
scoundrels a lesson. It's an outrage, Mr. 
Tubbmann." 

" Why, Whittleback, a man in your position 
owes it to himself to uphold his dignity. 
You're in somewhat the same position as a mem- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 71 

ber of the Bar. I've been a member of the 
Bar for thirty years, and I've always tried to 
uphold the dignity of the Bar." 

" What would you advise doing, Mr. Tubb- 
mann? " 

" Whittleback, I am a lawyer of thirty 
years' experience. I have the honor to be a 
personal friend of the Governor of the State 
and the President of the United States. I am 
also a member of the State Bar Association. 
It is one of the rules fixed by that Association 
that before a lawyer of my experience hears a 
case he must be paid a retaining fee." 

*' Do you mean that I must pay you money 
simply to state my case to you? " 

** That, Whittleback, Is one of the rules of 
the Bar Association, and It is not for me, so old 
a member of the Bar as I am, to compromise 
Its dignity." 

" The State Bar Association Is pretty hard on 
the clients," replied Mr. Whittleback, who did 
not know for the life of him what the State 
Bar Association was, but dared not ask Mr. 
Tubbmann the question. 



72 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" That rule, Whittleback, was made for the 
oldest and most efficient members of the Bar, 
and was made for this reason: If you go to 
some upstart and state your case, he's got to 
get down a pile of books as high as your head 
and wade through 'em before he can give you 
an opinion, whereas, we experienced members 
of the Bar can tell you what to do without all 
that infernal nonsense." 

" I don't know but that looks reasonable,'* 
said Mr. Whittleback. "What fee does the 
Bar Association fix?" 

" The Bar Association fixes no absolute fee. 
It makes a recommendation. It recommends 
a retaining fee of one hundred dollars, but as 
we belong to the same Club and are likely to 
be associated politically in the future, I think 
I can conscientiously go below that without 
compromising my professional dignity. Make 
it fifty dollars." 

Mr. Whittleback took out the fifty dollars 
and handed them to Mr. Tubbmann, who 
stuffed them into his vest pocket as though they 
were useless bits of paper. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 73 

'^ Now, Whittleback," he continued, leaning 
back in his chair and elevating his feet upon the 
table, '' state your case." 

Then Mr. Whittleback did state his case. 
He told what he had done and what Mr. Hat- 
well had agreed to do and what he had not 
done, and ended by requesting Mr. Tubbmann 
to secure him redress through the medium of 
the law. 

" My advice to you, Whittleback, is to sue 
him. It's a duty you owe to yourself and the 
Party to uphold your dignity." 

" All right, sue him, and sue him right away." 

" Very well. Come around this afternoon 
and I'll have the papers ready for you to sign." 

After Mr. Whittleback had gone, Mr. Tubb- 
mann looked at the door and thus soliloquized: 
" He's like all the rest of 'em. They'll berate 
us lawyers up hill and down, but when they get 
in any trouble, then they come around." 



CHAPTER XII 

THE annual banquet of the Jacksonian 
Club of Plumville was the occasion of a 
great gathering of Democratic politicians, law- 
yers and local statesmen from all that section 
of the country. It was one of the rare occa- 
sions upon which Mr. Solomon Costaine left 
Sky View. He had long been a member of the 
Jacksonian Club, of which fact he was never 
tired of boasting. It was his custom to invite 
one of the members of The Sky View Home 
Club to accompany him on these excursions, 
and this year he invited Mr. Whittleback, 
partly for the purpose of showing that rising 
Republican *' how we Democrats do things,'* and 
partly to honor himself by having such a dis- 
tinguished man as his guest. 

The Hawk Hotel, where the banquet was 
held, was a quaint old structure. In the days 
of the Revolution it was a Wayside Tavern, 
and Mine Host Drisk, the old proprietor, dis- 

74 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 75 

cussed with as much exactness the distinguished 
personages who enjoyed its hospitality in those 
days as though he had lived then himself. 

When Mr. Whittleback and Mr. Costaine 
arrived late in the afternoon they found many 
of the out-of-town guests already there. Every- 
body was busy talking and smoking, exchang- 
ing political secrets and personal reminiscences, 
renewing old friendships and forming new ones. 
Mr. Costaine at once sought out Mr. Mart, the 
Club's President. 

" Mart," he said, when they had at last found 
that gentleman surrounded by a crowd of ad- 
mirers, " let me introduce you to my friend 
and distinguished fellow townsman, the Hon. 
Nathaniel Whittleback. I suppose you've 
heard of him." 

"No, Costaine," replied Mr. Mart, giving 
Mr. Whittleback a hearty handshake, " can't 
say that I have. What is he, leader of your 
county, Costaine? " 

" No," interposed Mr. Whittleback, " I'm a 
Reformer, sir." 



76 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" Yes, Mart," said Mr. Costaine, " and he's 
running for President of Sky View." 

" Good," exclaimed Mr. Mart, slapping 
Mr. Whittleback on the back. *' This is Demo- 
cratic luck. One of our speakers Is sick and 
I've been wondering what we'd do about it. 
I'll put you down for a speech." 

"No you won't," protested Mr. Whittle- 
back; " I didn't come to make a speech and I'm 
no speaker anyway." 

" Can't get anywhere in Politics without 
it," remarked Mr. Mart, taking out paper and 
pencil and beginning to write. " It's part of 
the game." 

Before Mr. Whittleback had a chance to pro- 
test again some new arrivals came up, and 
these were introduced to him, and they in turn 
introduced him to others, and there were so 
many people to meet and all had so much to 
talk about that before Mr. Whittleback or Mr. 
Costaine realized it the time had come for the 
dinner to begin, and they were pushed along 
with the crowd toward the dining room, where 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 77 

they were seated at the speakers' table. Then 
Mr. Whittleback thought about the speech Mr. 
Mart had put him down for, and was on the 
point of proposing to Mr. Costaine that they 
depart at once, but Mr. Costaine seemed to be 
enjoying himself so much that he lacked the 
heart to do it. 

It was one of those banquets which are still 
much in vogue in the cities and larger towns 
of our country, where the diners pay a good 
price per plate and demand the worth of their 
money. There were many courses, and as 
there was a long interval between the service 
of the courses the diners whiled away the time 
by smoking and drinking. The music of an 
orchestra added to the pleasure of the occasion, 
and the surroundings and atmosphere were such 
as would tempt a man to overrate his capacity 
for eating and drinking. The courses were so 
many and the champagne flowed so freely that 
there were times when Mr. Whittleback and 
Mr. Costaine wondered whether they would be 
able to keep their end up with the rest of the 



78 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

guests. But at last the plates were removed 
for the last time, the cigars were passed, and 
it was time for the speechmaking to begin. 

President Mart acted as toastmaster, and, 
after a few words of greeting, Introduced the 
first speaker, The Hon. Jonathan Sleek, who 
had lately been elected to the Supreme Court. 
His subject was " The Judiciary," but as was 
his custom he began by displaying his knowl- 
edge of local history. He was glad to be In 
Plumvllle, a town with a history that antedated 
Revolutionary days and which was rich In his- 
toric associations. It was the home of his old 
friend and late lamented member of the Bar, 
the Hon. " Jack " Frost, famous throughout 
the State for his legal attainments. He was 
glad to see present his friend Justice Trim, who 
was doing so much to elevate the dignity of the 
lower courts. " Trim, Vm glad to see you," 
said the Hon. Mr. Sleek, smiling across the 
table at a little man who had attracted the at- 
tention of the out-of-town guests by his black 
gown. Justice Trim smiled at this public recog- 
nition and tried to blow away a smoke cloud that 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 79 

obscured him from the audience. Now a 
Judge never wanted to forget who put him on 
the bench, Mr. Sleek continued. Some lawyers 
when they got on the bench forgot that they 
were once practicing lawyers themselves. Such 
actions did no credit to the Judiciary. He prom- 
ised he would never be guilty of that, and the 
audience approved this sentiment with generous 
applause. If the Democratic Party was to ac- 
complish anything it must have a Democratic 
Judiciary. The Judiciary had the final say on 
all laws. A Democratic Legislature could pass 
the best law on earth and a Republican Ju- 
diciary could declare it unconstitutional. Up- 
hold a Democratic Legislature by putting Dem- 
ocratic judges on the bench. " Gentlemen," he 
exclaimed dramatically, *' I'll tell you right now 
that any law passed by a Democratic Legislature 
is constitutional enough for me." (Tremend- 
ous applause.) He then proceeded to "take 
a round out " of those people who criticised the 
Judiciary. They were dangerous citizens. If 
the Judiciary was ever to accomplish anything 
its members must be free from criticism. The 



8o THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Public must have implicit faith in its Judiciary. 
There was grave danger that criticism of the 
Judiciary might cause the Public to lose confi- 
dence in judges. He therefore favored the pas- 
sage of laws which should forbid all criticism 
of judicial acts by private citizens on the ground 
that it was against pubhc policy. The prepos- 
terousness of a judge being criticised by a lay- 
man ! Seeing that this was not a popular doc- 
trine with the audience, the honorable gentle- 
man proceeded to discuss the latest decisions on 
the difficult question of whether a man who 
would be guilty of larceny as an individual 
would be guilty of larceny if the theft were 
committed as the officer of a corporation. Said 
decisions held he would not be. The Judge 
endeavored to show the logic of these decisions, 
and to defend them, in which, however, he met 
with indifferent success, and closed his address 
with an eloquent protest against the modern 
tendency to make '' new law." 

The Hon. Horace Drastimus, the " silver 
tongued orator " of local Democracy, lived up 
to his reputation. He caught the audience at 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 8i 

once. He was a Democrat and he was proud 
of it. His father was a Democrat and his 
grandfather and all the way back. He never 
had any use for a Republican and he never 
would. (Applause.) The Republican Party 
was the Party of the rich men. If the people 
didn't know it, they ought to know it, for it was 
so. (More applause.) If there ever was any 
good in the Republicans they had lost it all. 
Look at their platforms. Did the gentlemen 
present want to know what a Republican plat- 
form was? Something to get into office on. 
That was all. (Laughter and applause.) And 
then the people had to pay the bills. All 
the time increasing expenses. Why should it 
cost so much more to run the government now 
than when he was a boy? Republican ex- 
travagance. The Republicans claimed to be 
anxious to help the people. Then why not let 
foreign products come in the country untaxed 
so the people could buy things cheap? (Ap- 
plause and cries of " Hear, hear.") He would 
tell them why : To make a few men rich at the 
expense of the many. Look how rich men had 



82 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

increased under Republican administrations. 
Put the Democratic Party in power; send a 
Democratic Governor to the Capital and a Dem- 
ocratic President to the White House; restore 
the rule of the people by electing a Democratic 
Congress, and the grand old Party of Jefferson 
and Jackson would never prove recreant to the 
trust and the country would attain to an era of 
prosperity it had never witnessed in all its his- 
tory. (Tremendous applause.) 

The Hon. John Sharp, who had become rich 
by robbing a neighboring city, delivered a very 
eloquent discourse on the benefits and needs of 
Honesty in all departments of life's activities, 
but especially in political life. 

Then a banker read figures and statistics to 
inform the audience on modern banking meth- 
ods, but was so elaborate in his explanations that 
everybody lost all interest in the subject and 
heartily wished he were through. 

The last speaker of the evening, the toast- 
master announced, was not on the program, 
but he had kindly consented to take the place 
of the gentleman who was absent; he was the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 83 

Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, of Sky View, 
who had honored the banquet by his presence 
and would now favor the audience with a 
speech. 

The Hon. Mr. Whittleback was in no condi- 
tion to make a speech. This was his first pub- 
lic dinner and it had been too much for him. 
Mr. Costaine had been so busy enjoying himself 
that he had neglected to look after his dis- 
tinguished guest, and he was soon to have cause 
to regret it bitterly. 

'' Gentlemen," said Mr. Whittleback, rising 
with considerable difficulty, and making an 
elaborate bow to the toastmaster and the invited 
guests, " I suppose there are a good many of 
you here yet, but I can't see you. This room 
looks like the river at Sky View on a foggy 
morning." Laughter and applause. There 
was evidently going to be nothing dry about 
this speech. " Let me tell you Democrats 
something," Mr. Whittleback continued, ap- 
parently angered by the laughter, for he shook 
his fist at the diners: "These political Parties 
are humbugs ! What have you politicians ever 



84 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

done? You're always considering what will 
help your Party. You're afraid to take up any 
question, no matter how much It should be taken 
up, for fear It may hurt your Party and lose 
you votes. You were afraid to touch the 
slavery question. You're afraid to touch the 
liquor question. Why don't you think less 
about the votes and more about the people and 
what will benefit them? Why don't you lead 
Instead of being led — ? " 

How far Mr. Whittleback would have gone 
In this Indictment of politicians If he had not 
been Interrupted It Is Impossible to say, for 
hisses and groans and loud laughter greeted 
these sentiments. 

'' You don't like It, do you? " he exclaimed. 
" Remember this : The Public needs a Re- 
former wherever there's a politician I " 

Hisses and cries of, *' He's no Democrat, he's 
a Republican," were heard on all sides, and 
those near Mr. Whittleback motioned him to be 
seated. 

"Mr. Chairman ! " shouted a man from the 
rear of the room, for Mr, Whittleback was not 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 85 

the only one whom the champagne had affected. 
" What is this, a eulogy or an elegy? " and the 
audience shouted itself hoarse. 

** You gentlemen have been proposing toasts 
this evening," Mr. Whittleback continued, 
when quiet had been partially restored; "I'll 
propose one: To the ex-tir-pa-tion of the poli- 
ti-cians! " 

A most unfortunate toast to propose in such 
a presence. There were hisses and roars of 
laughter mingled with cries of, " Put him out." 
Indeed, two or three of the younger members of 
the company started toward the speakers' table 
with the avowed intention of doing this very 
thing, but were grabbed and forcibly restrained 
by the older members of the Club. Toast- 
master Mart endeavored to quiet the demonstra- 
tion and to restore order, but was unsuccessful. 
It was fortunate that there were no more 
speakers, for the dinner ended then and there 
in an uproar. To think that any man should 
have dared to express such sentiments at a Dem- 
ocratic gathering! 

Mr. Costaine was so chagrined at the turn 



86 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

events had taken that he put Mr. Whlttleback 
in charge of a porter, with instructions to take 
him to his room at once, while he devoted his 
energies to arranging matters satisfactorily 
with the newspaper reporters. 

" Not much Democratic luck in putting him 
on the program," remarked Toastmaster Mart. 
He was not less chagrined than Mr. Costaine, 
and he was to have more cause for regret as 
time went on, for to the day of his death he 
never lived down the disgrace of having put a 
Republican on a Democratic program. 

Whether Mr. Whittleback was impelled to 
make these derogatory allusions to politicians 
because of his dislike of the company in which 
he found himself, or because of his experiences 
with the politicians of Sky View, will always 
remain a matter of speculation to the students 
of his life, and one of the mysteries of our 
political history. He himself could throw no 
light upon the subject, as he was never able to 
recall with any distinctness the occurrences of 
that eventful evening. However, when the 
porter in whose care Mr. Costaine had placed 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 87 

him was ready to leave him for the night, Mr. 
Whittleback grasped him warmly by the hand, 
beamed on him with a bland smile and declared 
he was delighted to see him and would do any- 
thing for him it was in his power to do. When 
the astonished porter had freed himself and 
left the room, he paused at the door for a mo- 
ment and heard Mr. Whittleback exclaiming: 
" Didn't I do it well, Mr. Scouten? Didn't I 
do it almost as well as you could?" All of 
which was very unintelligible to the porter, but 
may be of interest to the readers of this 
history. 



CHAPTER XIII 

THERE Is no telling how late Mr. Whlt- 
tleback would have slept the next morning 
if the sun, that ruthless destroyer of morning 
slumbers, had not wakened Mr. Costaine, who 
hastened to the room of his distinguished 
friend to inquire after his health. As soon as 
Mr. Whittleback was awakened he became 
aware that all was not well inside his head. 
An invisible something was going backward and 
forward at a very furious pace and the head 
seemed to have increased greatly in size during 
the night. However, there was nothing to do 
but get up and eat breakfast and take the morn- 
ing train for Sky View. They had finished 
breakfast and were In the office exchanging 
greetings with a few of the guests of the pre* 
ceding evening, when Mr. Whittleback's atten- 
tion was attracted by a stranger who was look- 
ing at him and apparently laughing at him. 
Mr. Whittleback finally recollected him as Mr. 

8S 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 89 

Hatwell, the miscreant who by false pretenses 
had got from him fifty dollars. As soon as 
he did recognize Mr. Hatwell, Mr. Whittle- 
back called out In a loud voice : " Mr. Costaine, 
I'll be blessed If there Isn't that scoundrel who 
got fifty dollars out of me." 

"What does this mean?" inquired Mine 
Host Drisk, hurriedly coming forward. 

" It means that man there Is a sharper. 
Look at him ! " 

There was Tylr. Hatwell, leaning against the 
railing, smoking a cigarette and laughing. If 
he had not thus mocked Mr. Whittleback, It 
is possible all would have passed off without 
further ado, but an honorable man can stand 
so much and no more. 

" I demand, sir," said Mr. Whittleback, 
starting toward Mr. Hatwell, " that you apolo- 
gize Immediately and return my fifty dol- 
lars." 

Mr. HatwelPs reply was to strike Mr. Whit- 
tleback so violently that had It not been for Mr. 
Costalne's timely support he would have fallen 
to the floor. Fortunately, he was only stunned 



90 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

for an instant and soon recovered his 
equilibrium. 

By this time a crowd had collected, which 
now formed a ring about the combatants and 
looked forward with eagerness to a renewal of 
the conflict. That it would have been renewed 
there can be no doubt, for Mr. Whittleback's 
anger was thoroughly aroused and he was de- 
termined to teach Mr. Hatwell a lesson that 
he would remember to his dying day. But 
before he had had time to arrange his plan of 
attack a noise was heard in the rear and cries 
of, *' The Cop 1 " '' The Cop ! '' came from 
all sides. 

" Make way, make way! " shouted the new- 
comer, who was no less a personage than Po- 
liceman Dunagan of the Plumville Police. 
*' What's the matter wid ye?" he demanded, 
seizing Mr. Whittleback with one of his 
brawny hands. " Fightin', be ye, in a publick 
place? We'll attend to ye. Ye're under ar- 
rest." ^ 

It was Mr. Dunagan's rule always to arrest 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 91 

the first man he saw, and Mr. Whittleback had 
been the unfortunate one upon this occasion. 

"Who are you?" angrily demanded Mr. 
Whittleback. 

" Who be I? Who do you suppose I be but 
an officer of the Law whose duty 'tis to uphold 
the Law. Come along." 

"Where's your uniform?" inquired Mr. 
Costaine, who was struggling hard to keep his 
place near Mr. Whittleback. 

" Who be ye to be askin' such questions of 
an officer of the Law? Is a man any less an 
officer without his uniform, I'd like to know? " 

" Officer," Interposed Mr. Hatwell, " I de- 
mand that you arrest this man immediately." 

" He's under arrest now. Come along with 
you," giving Mr. Whittleback another vigorous 
pull. 

" Sir," exclaimed that gentleman, " I'll be 
blessed if you aren't making a mistake, that's 
the man, sir, that sharper there." 

" Ah, none of your swearin' to an officer of the 
Law, come along with ye till I take ye over to 



92 THE AMERICAN COMED¥ 

Justice Trim/* and before Mr. Whittleback or 
Mr. Costaine could offer another word of pro- 
test, Mr. Dunagan led his prisoner out of the 
hotel and down the street toward Justice Trim*s 
Court Room, followed by Mr. Costaine, Mr. 
Hatwell, and the crowd, which grew larger as 
they passed along. 

When they arrived at the Court Room the 
judge was not there. Although only a Justice 
of the Peace, Justice Trim was a martinet on 
all questions relating to the majesty of the 
Law, and would never open his court a moment 
earlier than the Supreme Court was opened. 
At last, after the interested parties had waited 
nearly half an hour, the door of the Justice's 
private office was opened, and Justice Trim 
emerged, clad in his black gown, and ascended 
the bench. A constable made solemn procla- 
mation, bidding all persons who had any busi- 
ness to do with the Honorable Court of Special 
Sessions to draw near and give their attention 
and they should be heard. Then The Court 
asked Officer Dunagan whom he had. 

"Your Honor,'' replied Mr. Dunagan, — 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 93 

" Ah, I beg your pardon, the Most Honorable 
Court of Special Sessions, I've got a man here as 
was gullt}^ of iightin' in a publick place." 

Justice Trim nodded and took a chew of to- 
bacco. 

" The prisoner will stand up." 

Mr. Whittleback stood up. 

'' Sir, you are charged with the crime of being 
disorderly; how do you plead, guilty or not 
guilty? " 

" I'll be blessed if I know what you mean," 
replied Mr. Whittleback, who was entirely un- 
familiar with court procedure. 

" No swearing in this Court, sir, sit down." 

Mr. Whittleback sat down in confusion. 

" Are you the complainant? " Justice Trim in- 
quired of Mr. Hatwell. 

'' Yes, Your Honor." 

" You will please address this Court as The 
Most Honorable Court of Special Sessions." 

Mr. Hatwell bowed. 

'* State your complaint." 

Then Mr. Hatwell stated to The Most Hon- 
orable Court of Special Sessions that Mr. Whit- 



94 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

tleback had made an assault upon him in the 
Hawk Hotel and had struck him and for this 
assault had been arrested. 

" I'll be blessed," interrupted Mr. Whittle- 
back, " if this isn't the worst outrage I ever 
heard of." 

" Be quiet," shouted Justice Trim, pounding 
the desk with his gavel. " Officer, do you cor- 
roborate this man's story? " 

"Yes, Your Honor — beg pardon. The 
Most Honorable Court of Special Sessions." 

'' Now, sir," said Justice Trim, turning to Mr. 
Whittleback, " stand up and answer only what 
I ask you. You have heard what these men 
have said?" 

" Yes." 

"Is it true?" 

Mr. Whittleback replied he would be blessed 
if it was. 

Justice Trim struck the desk violently with 
his gavel. 

" Sir, if I hear any more of that kind of talk 
from you I will commit you immediately. I 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 95 

have a great mind to commit you now as it is 
for contempt of court." 

" Judge," interposed Mr. Costaine, coming 
to Mr. Whittleback's relief, " this is the Hon. 
Nathaniel Whittleback of Sky View. He isn't 
the guilty party. The officer got the wrong 
man." 

" Sit down ! " exclaimed Justice Trim fiercely. 
" Don't you dare to address this Court without 
permission. Now, sir," he continued, turning 
to Mr. Whittleback, who expected to be locked 
up at any minute, " you are charged with a very 
serious crime against the Law of the land. 
You have pleaded not guilt}^ I must give you 
a trial. The Law" says you are entitled to 
counsel. Have you any counsel? " 

Mr. Whittleback replied he did not have 
counsel there but he had a lawyer at home. 

Justice Trim again struck the desk violently 
with his gavel. 

*' You must understand once and for all that 
you are to address the Court every time you 
open your mouth. I will not tell you this 
again." 



96 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Mr. Whittleback, who could not understand 
what he had done to provoke the Court's anger, 
wanted to apologize but did not dare to make 
another remark. 

" The Law says you are entitled to Counsel," 
Justice Trim continued, " and that you are to 
be given an adjournment for that purpose. 
Now do you want counsel? " 

" Yes, Your Honorable Court." 

" I will give you what I have to give you 
and no more, for your conduct is very repre- 
hensible. We will take an adjournment until 
two o'clock, and if your counsel is not here by 
that time I will assign counsel and proceed with 
the trial. Officer, remove the prisoner.'* 



CHAPTER XIV 

PRECISELY at two o'clock Justice Trim 
again assumed his official robe, and order- 
ing his constable to announce him, issued forth 
from his private room and ascended the bench 
with all the pomp attendant upon the opening 
of the Supreme Court. 

Since the morning recess the news had spread 
through the village like wildfire that a very 
celebrated stranger was on trial. It had cre- 
ated great excitement. Merchants left their 
stores to attend Court, and inquisitive matrons 
hurried through their dinners to see the famous 
criminal, for in some parts of town Mr. Whit- 
tleback was represented as a notorious criminal 
who had committed numerous depredations in 
various cities and was to be defended by dis- 
tinguished counsel from out of town. School 
boys played truant to see the fun, and old men 
who had not been out of the house for weeks 
exposed themselves to the severe winter weather 

97 



98 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

in order to be present. The result was that 
the Court Room was crowded, and Justice Trim 
saw a favorable opportunity for impressing this 
mass of humanity with the majesty of the Law. 

In a few minutes Of&cer Dunagan again 
brought Mr. Whittleback before the court. 
Great was the general surprise and disappoint- 
ment when the audience saw, instead of a hard- 
ened criminal, a very respectable looking man, 
very ill at ease, however, and embarrassed be- 
yond expression at the humiliating position in 
which he found himself. 

Justice Trim struck the desk a violent blow 
with his gavel and inquired if Mr. Whittleback's 
counsel was present. 

'* No, your Most Honorable Court of Special 
Sessions," replied Mr. Dunagan, now resplen- 
dent in a blue uniform with brass buttons, " but 
he's sent to his counsel for to come and he'll be 
here shortly." 

Then a murmur ran through the crowd, as 
Mr. Tubbmann slowly made his way through 
the Court Room and at last stood before the 
bench. Mr. Tubbmann bowed slightly to 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 99 

Justice Trim, and slowly removing his great 
coat, turned and surveyed the audience. He 
enjoyed an audience. 

'^ Your Honor," he at length began, raising 
his right hand to a level with his head and 
then rapidly drawing It across his mouth, " I 
have just arrived and I would like a few minutes 
to confer with my client." 

*' Counselor, I will give you no time at all. I 
also choose to be addressed as The Most Hon- 
orable Court of Special Sessions." 

" The Most Honorable Court of Special 
Sessions," said Mr. Tubbmann In a sarcastic 
tone, " I would move for an adjournment for 
one week." 

^' No adjournment will be granted, Counselor. 
The trial will be continued Immediately." 

While this colloquy had been In progress 
another figure had made Its way through the 
crowd and now approached the bench. 

'' Counselor," said Justice Trim, turning to 
Mr. Tubbmann, " this is Mr. Blother who will 
represent the People : Mr. Blother, the counsel 
for the defendant." 



loo THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Mr. Tubbman condescended to nod. 

" They had to go out of town to get a lawyer 
to defend this case," remarked Mr. Blother by 
way of parenthesis. He was a little man with 
a freckled face and a thick head of black hair 
which was parted in the middle. 

" Will The Most Honorable Court of Spe- 
cial Sessions allow me to see the complaint 
against my client? " inquired Mr. Tubbmann. 

Justice Trim handed Mr. Tubbmann the com- 
plaint. 

*' I move to dismiss this complaint," Mr. 
Tubbmann continued, after looking it over 
hastily, " first, on the ground that the place of 
residence of the complaining witness is not 
given ; second, on the ground that it charges the 
defendant with assault in the first degree, a 
crime which this Court has no jurisdiction to 
try; and third, on the ground that the arrest 
was not made by an ofHcer in uniform." 

" Counselor," said Justice Trim, after some 
moments of deliberation, " your last ground Is 
the only one with any merit. You may discuss 
that." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY loi 

Although it had no merit from a legal stand- 
point, Mr. Tubbmann delivered a lengthy argu- 
ment in support of it, to which Mr. Blother re- 
plied with much vehemence, in the midst of 
which Justice Trim turned to Policeman Duna- 
gan and wanted to know why he should be seen 
upon the street without his uniform any more 
than he. Justice Trim, should ascend the bench 
without his gown, and declared that Mr. Duna- 
gan had been associated with the Court long 
enough to know that his first duty was to up- 
hold the majesty of the Law. 

" But nevertheless, Counselor," he continued, 
turning to Mr. Tubbmann, *' I will deny your 
motion. Mr. Blother, you may proceed with 
your case." 

Mr. Blother then began to open his case to 
the Most Honorable Court of Special Sessions, 
and did so by starting off on a wild gallop of 
words against Mr. Whittleback, declaring that 
he was a man dangerous to the community, and 
should be lodged in a secure place where he 
would not be able to attack peaceful citizens in 
the enjoyment of their rights. 



IQ2 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" The trouble with that man," remarked Mr. 
Tubbmann, addressing the audience, " is that 
he can't keep his tongue from running away with 
him." 

The audience applauded, and Justice Trim 
pounded the desk with his gavel and threatened 
to clear the room. But Mr. Blother was so 
confused that he cut short his opening abruptly 
and called as his first witness Mr. Hatwell. 

" Your Honor," interposed Mr. Tubbmann, 
" we demand a trial by jury." 

" You have waived your right to a jury trial, 
Counselor, by proceeding thus far before the 
Court. Proceed, Mr. Blother." 

Mr. Tubbmann took an exception and Mr. 
Blother endeavored to proceed, but his progress 
was not rapid because of the objections which 
Mr. Tubbmann made to almost every question 
he asked. Wearied by these interruptions, he 
appealed to the Court for relief. 

" What is the meaning of all this. Coun- 
selor? " inquired Justice Trim angrily. 

" It means that he will have a hard matter 
to prove his case. I once won a very important 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 103 

case, sir, against the present Attorney General 
of the State by just such a procedure as this." 

The audience leaned forward and took a 
greater interest in Mr. Tubbmann than ever. 

Mr. Blother, who had been struggling to 
keep his tongue from going off upon another 
gallop of words, now gave up the struggle 
and the tongue addressed the Court with great 
vehemence on the justice of the Law. 

" Whittleback," said Mr. Tubbmann to his 
astonished client, when the tongue had at last 
been brought to a halt by the aid of Justice 
Trim's gavel, " he's one of those upstarts I told 
you about." 

Mr. Blother was so disconcerted by these 
tactics of his adversary, that, after proving a 
prima facie case of assault against Mr. Whit- 
tleback, he concluded his examination of the 
witness abruptly and turned him over to Mr. 
Tubbmann for cross-examination. 

Mr. Tubbmann started In to make Mr. Hat- 
well unpopular with the audience, and he suc- 
ceeded beyond his fondest expectations. Be- 
fore he had gone far with his cross-examination 



104 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the audience was Informed from the witness's 
own lips that he was a professional gambler, a 
convicted thief, and that he had struck Mr. 
Whittleback In the Hawk Hotel that morning, 
but he insisted that Mr. Whittleback had struck 
him first. That he was the man who had ob- 
tained fifty dollars from Mr. Whittleback as 
the alleged representative of the Portraiture 
Magazine he vigorously denied* 

One secret of Mr. Tubbmann's popularity 
with the audience was the fact that he constantly 
gave it something new. Before finishing his 
cross-examination he stopped and asked per- 
mission to tell a story. Justice Trim answered 
by striking the desk violently with his gavel 
and declaring with emphasis that Mr. Tubb- 
mann could not be aware of the great dignity 
of the Court In which the case was on trial. 

'* Sir," replied Mr. Tubbmann, raising his 
right hand to a level with his head and draw- 
ing It rapidly across his mouth, " I am a lawyer 
of thirty years' experience at the Bar, I have 
practiced before some of the most distinguished 
judges In the country, but I have never seen a 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 105 

Court whose dignity there was less danger of 
lowering.'* 

The audience chuckled with glee, but before 
Justice Trim had time to see the irony of the 
remark, Mr. Tubbmann straightened himself 
up to his full height and exclaimed dramatically: 

'* The Most Honorable Court of Special 
Sessions.'' 

Everybody leaned forward eagerly to hear 
what was coming next. 

*^ I move that you Immediately commit this 
complainant to the county jail to await the action 
of the Grand Jury." 

The interested parties were so nonplussed 
by this latest move that It was some moments 
before Justice Trim could find words to In- 
quire : 

" On what ground, Counselor? " 

** He has committed perjury." 

** In what part of his testimony?" 

" He has testified here under oath that he 
struck this defendant. In his verified complaint 
he swore that he neither provoked the assault 
nor at any time struck the defendant. He has 



io6 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

therefore sworn falsely to a material fact, 
which, as the Court knows, is perjury." 

In Justice Trim's opinion this motion raised a 
very important legal question, upon which he 
condescended to ask the counsel to enlighten him 
by argument. 

" I think it is too plain to need any argu- 
ment," said Mr. Tubbmann. 

" Very well," said Justice Trim in high dud- 
geon. " Mr. Blother, have you anything to 
say?" 

Mr. Blother, like his client, had begun to feel 
more and more uncomfortable, but, thus bidden, 
he replied that this was the most ridiculous mo- 
tion he had ever heard. There were decisions 
of the highest courts which held that false swear- 
ing was not always perjury. This was one of 
those cases. He said he would cite some of 
them, but forgot to do so, and again addressed 
the Court on the justice of the Law. 

'' Counselor," shouted Justice Trim, checking 
the tongue when in full career by the vigorous 
use of his gavel, " the Court has been sufficiently 
enlightened. I will deny the motion." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 107 

As the trial had already consumed nearly 
three hours and as there seemed little prospect 
of concluding It that day, Mr. Tubbmann now 
renewed his application for an adjournment. 
" I have an appointment with the President of 
the United States the day after to-morrow," he 
said, " and I must leave for Washington to- 
morrow morning." 

" No adjournment will be granted, Coun- 
selor," replied Justice Trim. " This case will 
be finished if It takes all night." 

" Very well," said Mr. Tubbmann. " We will 
waive further examination and give bail to ap- 
pear before the Grand Jury. I think this whole 
matter will bear investigation by that body." 

This proceeding did not please Mr. Blother, 
for he held a hasty conference with his client, 
and then announced: 

" In view of my client's pressing business en- 
gagements, he will withdraw his complaint and 
consent that the defendant be discharged." 

'' Very well," said Justice Trim with relief. 
" The complaint is withdrawn and the defendant 
Is discharged. Mr. Whittleback, you may go." 



io8 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

** Not just yet," Interposed Mr. Tubbmann, 
turning to his client. " Now, sir," he continued, 
addressing Justice Trim, " I renew my motion 
to have this complainant held to await the ac- 
tion of the Grand Jury. I shall also take proper 
proceedings In the civil courts to redress my 
client for his false imprisonment." 

This motion and threat of civil procedure 
gave much concern to Mr. Blother and the 
Court, and evidently had a most disturbing ef- 
fect upon Mr. Hatwell, for he now came over 
to Mri Tubbmann and inquired in a whisper 
how much he would take to settle. 

" How much will we take to settle ? " re- 
peated Mr. Tubbmann aloud. " This matter 
is in the hands of the Court, but you got fifty 
dollars out of my client on a lie and I have 
already begun suit against you to collect It. I 
will serve you with the complaint In that action 
now," and he handed Mr. Hatwell the com- 
plaint. " You can settle that case by the pay- 
ment of that fifty dollars and the fifty dollars 
my client has paid me to collect It. If you 
will now publicly apologize to my client for the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 109 

occurrences of this morning I will advise him, 
with the Court's consent, to let the matter end 
here." 

Mr. Hatwell, whose business engagements 
seemed to become more urgent as his fear of 
Mr. Tubbmann increased, now apologized pro- 
fusely to Mr. Whittleback for the annoyance 
he had caused him and hoped he would be a 
good sport and be friends. 

" We receive the apology whence it comes,'' 
said Mr. Tubbmann, after a conference with his 
delighted client. *' Now I am prepared to re- 
ceive one hundred dollars from you for which 
I will give you a discontinuance of the case 
of Whittleback vs. Hatwell. There Is the re- 
ceipt you gave Mr. Whittleback for his fifty 
dollars," he continued, laying it down upon the 
table. " I brought these papers along," he re- 
marked in a parenthesis to the audience, *' when 
I heard whom we were up against." 

It was evident Mr. Hatwell did not like to 
pay the one hundred dollars. Instead of pay- 
ing, he asked the Court if there was any further 
need for his presence. 



no THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" There is a motion before the Court," 
sternly replied Justice Trim, whose views of 
the case had changed materially in the last few 
minutes. " That motion I am considering. I 
have not heard it withdrawn." 

^' What is it?" asked Mr. Hatwell. 

" You will address the Court, sir! " exclaimed 
Justice Trim, striking the desk violently with 
his gavel. 

" The Most Honorable Court of Special 
Sessions," said Mr. Hatwell humbly. " May 
I inquire what is the motion? " 

" That you be held to await the action of the 
Grand Jury." 

" On what ground? " 

''That you have committed perjury here." 

" Give me a discontinuance of your action," 
said Mr. Hatwell, turning abruptly to Mr. 
Tubbmann. " Here is your money." 

So saying he handed Mr. Tubbmann one hun- 
dred dollars. 

" Now, Your Honor," said Mr. Tubbmann, 
after he had signed a discontinuance and handed 
it to Mr. Hatwell, " with the Court's permis- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY iii 

sion we withdraw our motion, although I think 
this case should be presented to the Grand Jury 
on general principles." 

" Perhaps," remarked Justice Trim. " But 
remember, gentlemen, this is a court of justice. 
The motion Is withdrawn. The Court is ad- 
journed." 



CHAPTER XV 

THE campaign in Sky View was on In earn- 
est. The Democrats were not going to 
let the Republicans win if they could help it. 
They nominated candidates for President and 
village Trustees. Mr. Whittleback expected 
the Democrats would indorse him, but Mr. 
Scouten declared this impossible, for even 
though Mr. Whittleback was conceded to be 
an honest man, still he was a Republican and 
the Democrats must maintain their Party. 
The Democratic County Organization opened 
up headquarters in the village, levied contribu- 
tions from Its candidates, and began what was 
called a campaign of education, by public meet- 
ings, press advertisements, circulars and per- 
sonal letters. The Republicans admitted there 
had been wholesale corruption in their Party 
and in the village government. Were the peo- 
ple going to put the Republicans in office again? 
Mr. Whittleback was a good man, but he was 

XI2 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 113 

in bad company. He had been nominated as a 
last hope of saving the ticket. The Republi- 
can candidates for Trustees were Organization 
men. Did the people imagine that any but 
Organization men would be appointed to office 
under a Republican administration? The only 
safe thing to do was to get the Republicans out 
of village affairs altogether by electing the 
Democratic ticket. 

Mr. Whittleback was now to see the advan- 
tage of having the support of the Republican 
Organization, said Mr. Scouten. That honor- 
able body threw itself into the conflict with all 
the ardor that came from long experience In 
political campaigns. It opened up headquar- 
ters in Mr. Satterley's hotel; there were free 
lunches and free cigars and an open bottle for 
all who chose to come, and Mr. Windy, as 
Chairman of the Entertainment Committee, 
made things so pleasant and attractive that 
many citizens did come. Mr. Harker took 
charge of the publicity bureau and '' opened 
up '' on the Democrats in no uncertain manner. 
What guarantee had the people that the Demo- 



114 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

crats would do any better at running the vil- 
lage government of Sky View than they had 
done in Gllead, where in one year under Dem- 
ocratic administration taxes had been increased 
twenty-five per cent as a result of mismanage- 
ment and dishonesty? The difference between 
the Republicans and the Democrats was that 
the Republicans admitted their mistakes but the 
Democrats did not have sense enough to do 
so. The Republicans were pledged to do cer- 
tain definite things. Who could ever tell what 
the Democrats would do? They were likely 
to do anything. Under the last Democratic 
administration in Sky View the tax rate had in- 
creased and not a pubHc improvement had been 
made. Had the Democrats forgotten that? 
Very likely. But the voters would not forget 
It on election day. Did the people want a 
pledge of Republican sincerity? Their candi- 
date stood pledged to the passage of an ordi- 
nance giving the people the right to vote out 
of office any office holder who did not do his 
duty. What better protection did the Public 
want? 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 115 

So the conflict began. The Republicans 
contradicted the statements of the Democrats, 
and the Democrats laughed at the statements 
of the Republicans. The Republican Organ- 
ization of the State was the most t}Tannical 
political organization in the country and the 
Poquogg County Republican Organization was 
a part of it. The Democratic Organization of 
the State was the most corrupt political Organ- 
ization In the world, and the Democratic Or- 
ganization in Poquogg County was under its 
control. Who started the practice of buying 
votes in the county? The Republicans: 
Would they deny that? The only reason the 
Democrats did not buy votes was that they had 
no money. The Democratic candidates were 
honest m.en. Did anybody question the integrity 
of Nathaniel Whittleback, who was the son of 
the county's most honored citizen and a chip off 
the old block? The pictures of the rival can- 
didates adorned the windows of every store. 
Trees and fences were decorated with them 
and with injunctions to the voters to remember 



ii6 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the candidates at the polls. Every citizen was 
written to and interviewed. 

After this had gone on a week or more it 
was not surprising that Mr. Scouten's lieuten- 
ants reported to their chief that the people were 
at last thoroughly aroused to the fact that a 
vigorous conflict was being carried on by the 
rival Parties to win their votes, and that the 
campaign had awakened more interest than 
any other campaign of recent years. 

Mr. Whittleback was made aware of the 
Public's interest in no uncertain manner. He 
was kept busy from morning till night receiv- 
ing applicants for positions; answering letters 
containing congratulations and advice, requests 
for passes on the railroad, free theater tickets 
and financial assistance. A delegation from a 
local Association of working men demanded 
that he pledge himself to increase the rate of 
wages and lessen the hours of labor, or the 
Association would not support him at the polls. 
The local Liquor Dealers' Association, aroused 
by the unusual political activity, demanded to 
know his attitude on the liquor question. A 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 117 

man whose house was mortgaged wrote him 
that the mortgage was about to be foreclosed, 
and asked that he do something to prevent such 
a catastrophe, adding by way of inducement 
that the writer controlled three votes beside 
his own. A delegation of women representing 
the local officers of the National Anti-Epicu- 
rean League called upon him and asked about 
his attitude on the temperance question, and 
demanded that he pledge himself against the 
sale of liquor in Sky View and the country 
generally. Mr. Whittleback listened to the de- 
mands of the delegation with great deference 
and patience, and then replied that he would be 
blessed if he would not do anything in his 
power to aid the cause of humanity and good 
government. After again stating their views, 
and giving Mr. Whittleback some sage advice, 
the delegation departed, its members in doubt 
as to what sort of a man he was, but firmly con- 
vinced that in making their visit they had per- 
formed a very necessary duty. 

Mr. Tubbmann condescended to make but 
one suggestion in regard to the campaign: 



11 8 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

That it be closed with a flourish. Mr. Scouten 
and The Organization adopted the suggestion, 
and the result was that the doings upon the day 
before election surpassed anything the citizens 
of the village had ever before witnessed. A 
general holiday was proclaimed and everybody 
was invited to take part in a grand demonstra- 
tion in honor of Mr. Whittleback, " Our dis- 
tinguished fellow townsman, the friend of 
liberty and representative government.^' There 
was a parade of the school children, there were 
banners and flags, there was music by the vil- 
lage band, there were speeches by Mr. Tubb- 
mann and Mr. Scouten, and, best of all, there 
was a banquet, to which everybody was invited, 
served in the Town Hall. AH day long Mr. 
Whittleback was busy meeting voters and vot- 
ers' wives and voters' children, and giving 
hearty handshakes and bland smiles, and mak- 
ing nice speeches. Just to have the pleasure of 
meeting such a fine lot of people was worth all 
the trouble of running for ofiice. The best 
people in the world were in Sky View, and the 
children — how healthy they were, and how 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 119 

bright in their studies. Mr. Whittleback had 
heard good reports of them. The children 
spoke well for their parents, their mothers es- 
pecially. It was too bad the mothers could 
not vote, declared Mr. Scouten, for it would be 
a shame to have a man like Mr. Whittleback 
defeated. How democratic he was. There 
was nothing stuck-up about him. He was one 
of the people and as honest as the day was 
long. 

When, at last, the day was over, Mr. Whittle- 
back supposed his labors for the campaign were 
ended, but Mr. Scouten said he must be around 
when the polls opened. Mr. Whittleback, 
therefore, was up bright and early the next 
morning and went with Mr. Scouten to Mr. 
Satterley's hotel, where he exhibited himself to 
the early voters on their way to the polls. Mr. 
Scouten held a private audience with his lieu- 
tenants, gave each a roll of bills and a box of 
cigars, fixed the maximum price which was to 
be paid for a vote, and bade them go to their 
respective election districts. 

It was a day of hard work for the lieuten- 



120 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

ants, for it was their business to " bring out the 
vote." Those who did not vote early were 
sent for. There were carriages for the old 
and infirm. There were arguments for those 
who yet needed to be convinced. There were 
cigars for everybody; and there were private 
interviews with those citizens who needed more 
substantial inducements than Party loyalty to 
vote the Party ticket. Both sides were active; 
both were well organized; both kept up the 
fight until the polls closed. At last that happy 
hour arrived, the votes were counted, and Mr. 
Whittleback was found elected President of Sky 
View by the largest majority ever before given 
any candidate for President in the village's 
history. 

When this news was brought to the Post 
Office Mr. Scouten gave Mr. Whittleback his 
heartiest handshake and congratulated him 
upon his victory. The members of The Or- 
ganization came in and offered their congratu- 
lations and reminded him of their promise to 
elect him; it had been a hard fight, but they had 
won and the country had been saved. The 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 121 

lieutenants hastily secured the services of the 
village band, gathered a great crowd of en- 
thusiastic partisans, marched to the Post Of- 
fice, brought Mr. Whittleback forth, and 
placing him upon the shoulders of four husky 
admirers, the whole throng marched up Main 
Street, shouting and singing, and hailing Mr. 
Whittleback as a conquering hero, who had 
triumphed over the enemies of the people and 
given the Democrats the worst beating they 
ever had. 

Mr. Whittleback^s triumph and the triumph 
of his Party was complete. The Democrats 
were completely routed. The celebration fes- 
tivities were carried on until midnight, but no 
Democrat was abroad, and no man who ap- 
peared upon the streets that night would admit 
he was not a Republican or that he had ever 
been or would ever be a member of any other 
than the Republican Party. 

It had been a hard campaign for Mr. Whittle- 
back, for he was unused to the exactions of 
political conflict. But as the Alpine climber, 
toiling for many days up the steep ascents, at 



122 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

last reaches the coveted summit and there for- 
gets the hardships of the journey in the pleasure 
of the victory, so Mr. Whittleback forgot the 
difficulties of his political journey in the joy of 
being the official representative of the people 
and an " Hon." as well. For thenceforth, 
when mentioned in the press or when addressed 
officially, he was " The Hon. Nathaniel Whit- 
tleback," but by the people he was always 
called '' Nat Whittleback." 



CHAPTER XVI 

44TT /'ILL the Board of Trustees come to 
W order." 

It was Mr. Whittleback's first official utter- 
ance since his election. He and his associates 
had taken their oaths of ofiice and were now to 
hold their first meeting. 

The Board did come to order, and the crowd 
of interested citizens which filled every inch of 
available space in the Board of Trustees' room 
in the Municipal Building stopped smoking and 
talking and listened intently. 

Mr. Whittleback was making a speech : He 
wanted to thank his fellow townsmen for elect- 
ing him President. If he were an orator he 
could tell them in words how great an honor 
he considered they had done him, but he was 
not an orator, he was just a plain citizen. He 
would try to conduct the Public's business as 
he conducted his own business, by being honest 
in all matters and by considering what was for 

123 



124 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the interest of all the people. He had promised 
before election to do certain things to improve 
conditions, and in this work he had no doubt 
the members of the Board who belonged to 
the opposing Party would co-operate. 

When the applause ended the regular busi- 
ness proceeded. Mr. Whittleback appointed 
the various committees, and then the Board 
took up the matter of filling the appointive 
offices. There had been so many applicants 
for these positions and Mr. Whittleback had 
been so perplexed as to who were best fitted 
to fill them, that at Mr. Scouten's suggestion he 
turned the whole matter over to The Organi- 
zation. Mr. Satterley nominated the candi- 
dates The Organization had selected, and the 
Democratic members made nominations from 
their Party. As the Board was evenly divided, 
Mr. Whittleback ca^t the deciding vote in 
favor of The Organization's candidates. 

A counsel must be chosen and Mr. Satterley 
nominated Jerome Alexander Tubbmann. 
This was a surprise to everybody, for Mr. 
Tubbmann was nominally a Democrat. How- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 125 

ever, the Democrats made another nomination, 
but Mr. Tubbmann was chosen. 

'* Go out and find Mr. Tubbmann," said 
Mr. Whittleback to Policeman Rafferty, " and 
tell him we have elected him village counsel." 

Mr. Tubbmann was evidently within a con- 
venient distance, for in a few minutes he was 
ushered through the crowd and entered the 
sacred precincts within the railing where the 
Board was in session. 

" Mr. Tubbmann," said Mr. Whittleback, 
'' you have just been elected corporation 
counsel." 

*' I appreciate the honor," Mr. Tubbmann 
replied, and took his seat at the left of Mr. 
Whittleback. 

Various resolutions were then introduced by 
the Republican members to provide ways of 
ending the abuses which Mr. Whittleback had 
found existing in the administrative affairs of 
the village, to the form of which resolutions 
the Democratic members objected, and there 
were amendments and substitutes, and accusa- 
tions of " playing Politics " and fooling the 



126 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Public and obstructing the Public's business, all 
of which seemed to delight the audience, but 
at last the resolutions were carried as originally 
proposed. 

Mr. Whittleback then told the Board that 
he would recommend the passage of an ordi- 
nance compeUIng the Board of Trustees upon 
the petition of fifteen per cent of the qualified 
voters to call a special election to decide 
whether any office holder who was not serving 
the people satisfactorily should be longer con- 
tinued In office. He doubted the Board's au- 
thority to do this, however, without a special 
Act of the Legislature, and he would therefore 
ask the counsel for his opinion. 

Mr. Tubbmann replied that It would be 
necessary to secure an Act of the Legislature 
authorizing the Board to pass such an ordinance. 
Mr. Satterley thereupon moved that the Presi- 
dent and counsel be directed to go to the Capi- 
tal and to endeavor to have such an Act passed. 
Much to the surprise of Mr. Whittleback, the 
Democratic members opposed this resolution, 
also, but It was carried by a party vote. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 127 

Having thus completely vanquished the 
Democrats on all points and redeemed his ante- 
election pledges, Mr. Whittleback said that if 
there were any citizens present who had sug- 
gestions to make in regard to pubHc affairs he 
would be glad to hear from them. 

After he made this statement he was sur- 
prised to see a number of the women of the vil- 
lage making their way through the crowd. 
They were under the command of a very deter- 
mined leader, who had a masculine face, coarse 
black hair, and great brawny arms. She 
boldly entered the sacred precincts within the 
railing and ordered her followers to do like- 
wise. Ranging them in a row at the foot of 
the Trustees' table, she turned to Mr. Whit- 
tleback and exclaimed: 

" I'm Mrs. Diggin, President of the Na- 
tional Anti-Epicurean League, and these women 
are the officers of the local organization." 

Mr. Whittleback looked at the seven repre- 
sentatives of the National Anti-Epicurean 
League and inquired what he could do for them. 

" Do for us! " replied Mrs. Diggin, shaking 



128 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

her fist. " You know well enough who we are 
and what you can do for us, and if you were my 
husband you'd learn In double quick time." 

Mr. Whittleback congratulated himself then 
and there that he was not Mrs. Diggings hus- 
band, but remained silent. 

"You're a Reformer, aren't you? " she con- 
tinued. " Why don't you do something that 
needs to be done more than anything you've 
mentioned in all your speeches? You know 
what we want you to do: Stop the sale of 
whiskey. Then we'll have some faith in your 
reform business." 

*' Shall I put her out?" asked Policeman 
Rafferty, coming forward and addressing Mr. 
Whittleback. 

" Put me out! " said Mrs. Diggin, shaking 
her fist at Mr. Rafferty, who stopped abruptly. 
" Don't you dare lay your hands on me." 

" Rafferty," suggested Mr. Tubbmann, 
** you better go out and take a glass or two. 
You're In no condition to put them out 
now." 

" Who are you to be telling a man to go and 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 129 

get a drink to put a woman out? " fiercely de- 
manded Mrs. Diggin, turning on Mr. Tubb- 
mann. '' You ought to be ashamed of your- 
self, and if you were my husband I'd see that 
you were." 

" Whittleback," remarked Mr. Tubbmann, 
" it looks as though this woman wanted a hus- 
band. Can't we find one for her?" 

" Well I'll be blessed if I can understand 
what all this means anyway," said Mr. Whit- 
tleback, in confusion at this unusual proceeding, 
" Mr. Rafferty, please maintain order." 

The audience was enjoying this latest pro- 
ceeding so much that with the laughing and 
applauding there was much confusion. 

" I'll tell you what this means," Mrs. Dig- 
gin continued in a milder tone, w^hen quiet was 
restored: "Before election these local repre- 
sentatives of the League called upon you and 
asked you to pledge yourself against the sale 
of whiskey and you then stated you would do 
anything you could to help the cause of good 
government and humanity. Is the whiskey 
business an aid to good government or human- 



I3C THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

ity? Now we want you to show your devotion 
to the cause of good government and humanity 
by passing an ordinance prohibiting the sale of 
whiskey in this village." 

" That would be just about as practical," in- 
terposed Mr. Tubbmann, *' as what a Board of 
Trustees did here a good many years ago. It 
was at the time kerosene first came into use. 
An old fellow down by the river had a candle 
factory and the kerosene began to interfere 
with his business ; so he came up here one night 
and asked the Board to pass an ordinance pro- 
hibiting the use of kerosene. The Board 
passed the ordinance all right, gentlemen, but 
it didn't stop the use of kerosene." 

Mr. Whittleback was apparently the only 
one who took Mrs. Diggin seriously, for he 
now explained to her that the sale of whiskey 
was legalized by the State and was therefore 
something over which the local authorities had 
no control, and no matter how wrong some 
people might consider its sale to be, so long as 
the law permitted its sale and so long as the 
majority of the people desired it to be sold, 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 131 

and licensed men to sell It, local municipalities 
could do nothing. 

" A pretty state of affairs,'^ replied Mrs. 
Diggin: "Saloons to make drunkards and 
Keeley cures to cure 'em." And she launched 
forth into a violent attack upon the liquor traf- 
fic, denouncing it as an enemy of the Public and 
a wholesale producer of crime and suffering. 
Once or twice Policeman Rafferty endeavored 
to stop her tirade by pounding the floor lustily 
with his stick, but without success, for she was 
determined to have her say. She was also de- 
termined to put the Board on record on the 
question, for at the conclusion of her remarks 
she presented a petition from the women of the 
village asking the Board to approve a Bill then 
pending before the Legislature which permitted 
the people to say by their votes whether or not 
liquor should be longer sold in the State. 

Although both Parties were divided on how 
to manage village affairs, they were united in 
their opposition to Mrs. Diggin's petition, for 
it would not be " good Politics " for either 
Party to approve such a Bill. After a hasty 



132 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

conference it was decided that a Republican 
should make the motion to deny the petition 
and that a Democrat should second it. 

While these important details were being ar- 
ranged Mrs. Diggin's eagle eye caught sight of a 
bottle of Mr. Rafferty's whiskey through the 
open door of that officer's closet. No sooner 
was the motion denying the petition carried than 
she strode across the room and pounced upon 
the bottle. Then holding it up to the gaze of 
the audience she exclaimed: " No wonder we 
can't get anything done to stop the sale of 
it when they have it right by them all the time ; 
no wonder," she continued, brandishing the 
bottle above her head, '' when they all drink 
it, lawyers, politicians, reformers and all. 
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves I " she 
shouted, glaring at Mr. Whittleback, who ex- 
pected to see the bottle fly at his head any min- 
ute. "You're a disgrace to the country! " 

So saying, she sent the offending bottle crash- 
ing through the window, and shaking her fist 
at Mr. Whittleback and the Board of Trustees 
strode out of the room followed by her six 
companions. 



CHAPTER XVII 

WHEN Mr. Whittleback came out of the 
Post OiEce the next morning a woman's 
voice greeted him with a cheery good morning, 
and a young woman, who might have been 
anywhere from twenty-five to thirty years of 
age, held out her hand. 

*' I am Miss Alnor, the new school princi- 
pal," she said, " and I am taking the liberty 
of introducing myself to the District Treas- 
urer." 

'' Glad to meet you," said Mr. Whittleback, 
who had heard of the new principal, but had 
not yet met her. Sky View was one of the few 
places in the State that still had a woman 
principal for its High School. By her friends 
Miss Alnor was called plain in appearance, but 
with her ruddy cheeks, her waving brown hair, 
and her keen brown eyes, she was to Mr. Whit- 
tleback the most beautiful woman he had ever 
seen. It had always been his custom to send 

133 



134 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

each of the teachers her monthly pay check 
by mail, but he then and there decided to 
abandon this custom and to deliver them per- 
sonally to the principal. 

" You're too good looking for this place," 
he remarked with blunt frankness, after star- 
ing at her| for he did not know how long; " we'll 
lose our principal I'm afraid," and was sur- 
prised at himself the next minute, for he had 
never made such a remark to a woman before 
in all his life. 

'' Ah, Mr. Whittleback, I am honored. But 
I was at your meeting last night. Everybody 
seemed to be there. I had heard so much 
about what was going to happen that I couldn't 
stay away. I congratulate you." 

"Thank you," said Mr. Whittleback. 
" More happened than I expected. You 
weren't one of the — visitors?" 

*' Do you think the principal of the school 
would join in a demonstration against the Dis- 
trict Treasurer?" inquired Miss Alnor, inter- 
rupting him. " When do you start for the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 135 

Capital? " she continued, seeing he was em- 
barrassed and had nothing to say. 

*' Some day this week." 

" I tell you Sky View is honored in honoring 
its President. We need more men like you in 
Politics, Mr. Whittleback. It seems to me 
you were the only man in the Board who didn't 
have an axe to grind last night. As a newly 
adopted citizen of Sky View I was proud of 
you." 

" Thank you," Mr. Whittleback managed to 
reply; " I am glad to hear you say it. Of all 
the people who have said things like that to me 
lately you are the only one who seems to mean 
it." 

" Indeed? But do you expect they will pass 
your Bill?" 

" Yes," said Mr. Whittleback with vehe- 
mence, his embarrassment disappearing in- 
stantly. "Why shouldn't they? It's a good 
Bill. Why shouldn't the people have a right 
to do what that Bill gives them power to do? '* 

" Well, don't be disappointed if it isn't 
passed." 



136 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" What do you know about it? " 

'* I spent four years at the Capital and I 
didn't spend all my time in school, so I am not 
entirely unfamiliar with the way things are 
done," and there was a twinkle in her eye as 
she bowed and continued up Main Street. 

*'Why won't they pass it?" Mr. Whittle- 
back called after her. 

" Oh," she called back, laughing, " not be- 
cause it isn't a good Bill." 

Well, he thought, it was not a bad Bill. 
And here right at the beginning of his career 
this young woman, who had so much confidence 
in herself, had had the hardihood to tell him 
that his Reform measure would not pass. She 
would see how much a woman knew about pub- 
lic affairs. But she was proud of him and she 
had been at Sky View since September and he 
had not met her. What a fool he was. At- 
tention to public affairs gave a man little time 
for social duties, but he would find it conven- 
ient to see her once a month at any rate. 



CHAPTER XVIII 

THE most important accomplishments in 
Politics as well as in science have often 
come from small beginnings. The visit of the 
Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, President of Sky 
View, to the Capital of the State for the pur- 
pose of securing the passage of a law giving the 
citizens of his village the right to vote unfaith- 
ful public servants out of office might be re- 
garded by most readers as a very commonplace 
affair. To tell the truth, Mr. Whittleback did 
not relish his task. Little did he think he would 
return with a national reputation and would 
show the people of the United States a way to 
regain their lost power. 

At the earnest solicitation of Mr. Whittle- 
back, Mr. Scouten consented to accompany 
him and Mr. Tubbmann on their mission. It 
was through Mr. Scouten's influence that " The 
Capital Flier " stopped at Sky View to receive 
the three distinguished passengers, and it was 

137 



138 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

at Mr. Tubbmann's suggestion that a large 
crowd of Mr. Whittleback's admirers was at 
the railroad station to wish him success in his 
important undertaking. 

" The Flier " was known in political circles 
as " The Politicians' Special," because it was 
so largely patronized by the members of that 
profession. No sooner had Mr. Scouten and 
his companions entered the smoking car and 
seated themselves than they were surrounded 
by a number of those honorable gentlemen. 
They were under the leadership of the Hon. 
Timothy L. Whalen, and were going to the 
Capital to oppose the passage of a Bill which 
compelled the railroads to pay taxes on their 
franchises. Mr. Scouten and Mr. Whalen 
were old acquaintances, and after shaking hands 
Mr. Scouten introduced Mr. Whalen to Jerome 
Alexander Tubbmann, Corporation Counsel of 
Sky View, and to the Hon. Nathaniel Whittle- 
back, who had won such popularity as a Re- 
former. 

" A Reformer, Scouten," exclaimed the Hon. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 139 

Mr. Whalen. " What In the name of the Old 
Boy himself Is a Reformer?" 

" Sir," said Mr. Whittleback, " you see one 
now, I'm a Reformer. I'll be blessed if any 
one ought not to know what a Reformer Is: 
He's a man who Is as honest about the Publlc^s 
business as he is about his own." 

"What are you going to the Capital for? " 
Inquired the Hon. Mr. Whalen, again addres- 
sing himself to Mr. Scouten. 

Upon being Informed that Mr. Scouten was 
going to the Capital with Mr. Whittleback to 
assist In securing the passage of a BUI which 
was to benefit the Public by giving the people 
a chance to get rid of unfaithful office holders 
before the expiration of the term for which 
they were elected, Mr. Whalen could conceal 
his mirth no longer, and turning to his lieuten- 
ants exclaimed: '^ Boys, take a look at that 
man Scouten, will you. He's going to the Capi- 
tal in the Interests of the Public." After 
again looking Mr. Whittleback and Mr. Scou- 
ten over, he retired with his lieutenants and re- 



140 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

marked to those gentlemen that something had 
surely gone wrong with that man Scouten and 
that he must be losing his mind. 

" I'll be blessed if I think much of him/' re- 
marked Mr. Whittleback. 

" No," Mr. Scouten replied. " He's what 
you might call a black sheep of the profession." 

Soon a stranger came down the aisle and 
stopped in front of Mr. Whittleback. 

'' Is this the Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback? " 

" That's my name." 

The stranger had a favor to ask. He 
wanted to get a pass on the railroad. He had 
seen Mr. Whittleback's picture in the paper 
as a prominent politician and he thought he 
would ask for a free trip to Niagara Falls for 
himself and family. 

" Sir," replied Mr. Whittleback, " I'm not 
a politician, I'm a Reformer." 

"A what?" asked the man with some sur- 
prise. 

" A Reformer, sir." 

" It's all about the same thing, isn't it? " 

'' No. I'll be blessed if it is." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 141 

At this point Mr. Scouten entered into the 
conversation and asked if the stranger lived in 
Mr. Whittleback's Assembly District, and 
being answered in the affirmative, inquired how 
many votes he controlled. The stranger said 
he controlled five votes beside his own. 

Mr. Scouten said: "Yes, Mr. Whittleback 
will get a pass for you, if you will keep it be- 
tween ourselves and remember it on election 
day. You will probably have an opportunity 
to vote for Mr. Whittleback in the near fu- 
ture." 

Upon his promise to comply with these con- 
ditions, Mr. Scouten took the stranger's name 
and address, and shook hands with him. 
Then Mr. Whittleback also shook hands with 
him, and said it gave him great pleasure to 
make his acquaintance. 

" He's the kind of man to help," remarked 
Mr. Scouten, after the stranger had gone, '' for 
he controls votes and in Politics votes are what 
you must have to win." 

All this time The Flier was rushing along 
at breakneck speed, as though anxious to get its 



142 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

distinguished passengers to the Capital as soon 
as possible. It dashed through cities, busy 
with traffic and trade, and on through villages 
and smaller towns. Through quiet farm lands 
it went; past school houses and country 
churches; past waterfalls and quiet lakes, hum- 
ble cottages and country stores; past costly 
mansions and through fine estates; through 
great stretches of open- country it went, and on 
to country hamlets and sleepy villages, through 
tunnels and over trestles, past signal towers 
and signs and water plugs and mail cranes and 
switch engines and mile posts and freight yards, 
till panting and puffing and screeching it 
entered the Capital in triumph. 



CHAPTER XIX 

THE most popular hotel in the Capital at 
that time was the Delaware House. 
There the most prominent legislators resided 
during the sessions. Politicians from all parts 
of the State made it their headquarters while 
at the Capital. There all important matters 
of legislation were decided upon by the Party 
leaders prior to their consideration by Senate 
or Assembly. It was the barometer of politi- 
cal activity, not only in the Capital, but through- 
out the State, and was the Mecca of reporters 
and journalists and leaders and lieutenants 
and office seekers and lobbyists of all ranks and 
descriptions. It was to the Delaware House 
that Mr. Scouten conducted his companions. 
The place was comparatively quiet when they 
arrived, for the Legislature was in session, but 
by the time they had selected their apartments 
and taken some refreshments it was all activity 
again, for the Legislature had taken a recess, 

143 



144 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

and the bar room and the smoking rooms were 
filled with distinguished politicians and legis- 
lators, who chatted, smoked and drank, and laid 
plans for trapping the Opposition on the fol- 
lowing day. 

Mr. Scouten immediately sought out the As- 
semblyman from their district, the Hon. John 
L. Whodd, and finding that gentleman en- 
gaged in a drinking bout in the bar room, with 
some difficulty persuaded him to come upstairs. 

" Gentlemen," said Mr. Scouten, when he 
had ushered the Hon. Mr. Whodd into the 
presence of Mr. Whittleback and Mr. Tubb- 
mann, '' this is my warm personal friend and 
the distinguished representative from our dis- 
trict, the Hon. John L. Whodd." 

" Glad to see you," said the Hon. Mr. 
Whodd, giving Mr. Whittleback and Mr. 
Tubbmann a hearty handshake. " Come on 
down and have a drink with me, gentlemen." 

" No, thank you," replied Mr. Scouten. 
*' We want you to give us some help in passing 
a Bill we are interested In. Sit down." 

Mr. Whodd laid his hand on his stomach 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 145 

and cast a longing look toward the door, but 
at length consented to take a seat. He was a 
fat, red-faced, happy-go-lucky man, and had 
been elected to the Assembly because of his 
liberality In the matter of free drinks and his 
willingness to do as he was told. 

*' Here, gentlemen," he exclaimed, taking 
some cigars from his pocket and handing them 
to his constituents, " you won't drink with me; 
now see if you'll smoke with me." Then look- 
ing Mr. Whittleback over very carefully, he 
turned to Mr. Scouten and Inquired: " Who'd 
you say he was, Scouten? " 

*' Why, Whodd, that's the President of Sky 
View, Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback." 

'' Is he an Organization man? " 

"What's the matter with you, Whodd?" 
demanded Mr. Scouten sternly. " Of course 
Mr. Whittleback's an Organization man." 

" Nothing like finding out, you know," re- 
plied Mr. Whodd. " Come on down and 
have a drink to the Organization." 

Mr. Scouten's reply to this second invitation 
was to ask Mr. Whittleback for the Bill. 



146 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" There, Whodd, is the Bill we want to get 
passed." 

Mr. Whodd took the Bill and started to read 
it, but he evidently met with very indifferent 
success in understanding it, for he stopped 
suddenly, took the cigar from his mouth, and 
exclaimed: *' I don't know whether it's poor 
whiskey or what, but I can't read for sour ap- 
ples. Anyway, all these things have got to be 
submitted to the Manager of the House and 
be passed on by him and the leaders of the 
Majority before they're introduced." And 
Mr. Whodd handed the Bill back to Mr. Scou- 
ten without knowing a single provision it con- 
tained. 

" Well," inquired Mr. Scouten, " what are 
you going to do? " 

"Do?" replied Mr. Whodd. "Why do 
what any representative of his constituents 
ought to do : I'll take you before the Manager 
and the Leaders of the Majority and let you 
state your case. But I won't do it," he con- 
tinued, rising and going towards the door, " till 
you come down and have a drink on me." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 147 

" Have it sent up," suggested Mr. Tubb- 
mann. 

" Sure," said Mr. Wliodd, and ringing for 
a bell boy he gave his order. 

" The reason I asked if you were an Organi- 
zation man," he remarked, addressing Mr. 
Whittleback, after they had taken their first 
glass, " was because you don't get very much 
up here unless you are an Organization man," 
and Mr. Whodd laughed a heart}^ laugh, 
placed his hand upon his stomach and declared 
he felt better. " Another thing," he continued, 
" you don't want to do much talking to the 
Snags. If you do, you'll get into trouble." 

" I'll be blessed if I know what they are," 
said Mr. Whittleback. 

"Why, these infernal newspaper men. 
They bother the life out of a man; they're 
everj^where and anywhere with their infernal 
questions, and then if you don't tell 'em all your 
business, they'll denounce you." 

" Gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Whittleback, 
" drink to their defeat."' 

" That I will," said the Hon. Mr. Whodd, 



148 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

drinking three glasses as a mark of his special 
favor to this toast. 

" Whodd," interposed Mr. Scouten, '* I 
think we had better go and meet the Manager 
of the House as soon as possible." 

" Scouten," replied Mr. Whodd with con- 
tempt, *' you're all work and no play, and that'll 
make Scouten or Whodd or anyone else a dull 
boy. Sit down and take it easy. I've been 
up there at the Capitol all day listening 
to a lot of infernal fools make a lot of 
infernal speeches against the railroads 
granting passes. Why, if it wasn't for 
passes half of us would never get here. You 
came on passes yourself, didn't you? " 

Mr. Scouten admitted that they had, and this 
reminded him that Mr. Whittleback wanted a 
pass for one of his constituents. 

" Certainly, Scouten, certainly. All I've 
got to do is to ask for 'em. A man ought to be 
able to do that." 

Mr. Scouten now arose and again requested 
Mr. Whodd to present them to the Manager 
of the House. The contents of the bottle had 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 149 

not been entirely consumed and Mr. Whodd 
cast a longing look toward the remaining por- 
tion as he slowly rose to his feet, at the same 
time remarking that any men who could not 
drink what they had there were not fit to put 
their heads in the Capital. He then led the 
way through a broad hall to the outer entrance 
of the Manager's private apartments. Here 
was found one of the Manager's lieutenants. 
Being well known to that worthy, however, Mr. 
Whodd had no difficulty in securing admission 
for himself and his companions. 

It was a handsome suite of rooms in which 
they found themselves. Mr. Whodd, who 
was familiar with the place, led the way from 
room to room, and at last they came to the 
sanctum sanctorum, before the door of which 
two lieutenants were posted. One of these 
went inside to report the visitors, and returned 
In a few moments with the information that 
they might enter. 

When Mr. Whittleback stepped into this 
sacred place he found himself in a large room, 
with rich carpets upon the floor and costly paint- 



ISO THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Ings upon the walls. At the farther end of 
the room before a large table sat the Manager 
of the Assembly, and seated around and behind 
him were a score of the members of the Lower 
House, representatives from as many coun- 
ties. 

" Hello, Whodd," said the Manager, giving 
him a bland smile, which seemed to Mr. Whit- 
tleback to come to perfection, " what can we do 
for you? " 

" Kingfisher," said Mr. Whodd, '' I've got 
some good Republicans here from my county 
who're interested in some legislation. This," 
he continued, as Mr. Scouten, came forward, 
" is the Hon. Henrick Scouten, leader of our 
county; Scouten, the Hon. Harrison Kingfisher, 
Manager of the Assembly." 

The Hon. Mr. Kingfisher arose, gave Mr. 
Scouten a hearty handshake, and expressed his 
delight at meeting him, while Mr. Scouten re- 
sponded in much the same manner. 

*' Mr. Kingfisher," said Mr. Scouten, turning 
to Mr. Whittleback, " let me introduce you to 
the President of Sky View, who has won such 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 151 

popularity as a Reformer, the Hon. Nathaniel 
Whittleback." 

" Glad to see you all, gentlemen," Mr. King- 
fisher declared, after Mr. Whittleback and Mr. 
Tubbmann had been presented, " and glad to 
see you in the Capital. Let me introduce you 
to some more good Republicans." 

So saying, he introduced them to his distin- 
guished associates. There was the Hon. Peter 
Smiley, who belonged to more clubs and social 
organizations than any other man in the State; 
the Hon. Horatio Burdock, who had the reputa- 
tion of being the best dressed man in the city; 
the Hon. Stephen Goodfellow, famous in his 
district as a church member, but known in the po- 
litical circles of the Capital as the man who had 
been selected by The Organization to corrupt 
young and inexperienced legislators; the Hon. 
Horace Drumgoole, who came to the Legisla- 
ture poor, but had become rich during the last 
session; the Hon. Richard Spoule, who was the 
best billiard player in town ; the Hon. William 
Grundage, who represented the liquor 'interests 
of the State; the Hon. Silas Grabb, who boasted 



152 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

that he came to the Legislature to represent 
himself, first, last and always, In which respect 
he differed from his associates, who represented 
the Railroads, Insurance, Gas and Trust Com- 
panies, and various other corporations ; and last 
but not least, the Hon. Robert Brassfield, smil- 
ing, calculating and shrewd, who combined so 
many of the qualities of a knave and a statesman 
that he was looked upon as the most promising 
man for Manager of the Assembly when that 
distinguished statesman, the present Manager, 
should lose his grip upon the political machine. 

These " Honorables " having been formally 
introduced, all resumed their seats, and while 
Mr. Kingfisher finished signing a number of let- 
ters which lay before him, Mr. Whittleback 
had an opportunity of looking him over. 

He was a man with a giant frame and a sav- 
age looking face, which was so full of wrinkles 
and ridges that It bore not a slight resemblance 
to a prize bull dog's, and this resemblance was 
further enhanced by his habit of scowling and 
shaking his head and sticking up his nose at any 
and all times. His massive jaws seemed to be 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 153 

always waiting to get hold of some political 
enemy and tear him to pieces. Years before, 
prior to his entrance into public life, when an 
obscure political leader in a western district, he 
had been the superintendent of a large factory, 
when he had conceived the happy idea of tax- 
ing the employees, male and female alike, to 
swell the funds of the local Organization. 
This brilliant stroke had been followed by the 
bold move of making away with several hun- 
dred adverse ballots at a certain election and 
thus fulfilling his pledge to keep his county in 
the Republican ranks no matter what came. 
Because of these evidences of singular political 
ability, The Organization sent him to the Legis- 
lature. By reason of his faithfulness to his 
Party and his careful study of Politics, he at 
length became Manager of the Assembly, and 
a very successful and able Manager he was, for 
he never forgot a friend or forgave a foe, and 
was a terror to the Opposition, concerning 
which his favorite slogan was : *' Knock 'em 
down and drag 'em out." All Bills were re- 
ferred to him before being introduced and no 



154 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Bill could be reported out of committee without 
his consent, for the chairmen of all committees 
were named by him. No appointments were 
made without his O. K., and no legislator could 
receive any patronage or any courtesies unless 
he voted according to his orders. 

" Now, gentlemen," he remarked, leaning 
back in his chair and elevating his feet upon the 
table, " you may proceed." 

Mr. Tubbmann then arose and running the 
fingers of his right hand rapidly through his 
hair said that he was honored in having been 
chosen to present the Bill to the distinguished 
statesmen. The village of Sky View, from 
which he came, had been afflicted with officials 
who had neglected their duty, and to guard 
against the continuance of such men in office in 
the future the distinguished President of the 
village, the Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, had 
conceived the happy idea of giving the people 
a chance to terminate their contract of employ- 
ment by voting them out of office at a special 
election to be called for that purpose upon the 
petition of fifteen per cent of the qualified elec- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 155 

tors. Before the Board of Trustees could pass 
such an ordinance, however, they must be au- 
thorized to do so by an Act of the Legislature, 
and it was to secure the passage of such an Act 
that they had been sent to the Capital. But 
other municipalities were in the same position 
as Sky View, and to give to all the people of 
the State the same weapon against faithless 
public servants the Bill had been drawn to make 
it a general law. Need he point out to the 
honorable gentlemen that in many places pub- 
lic servants failed to serve or to represent their 
constituents? If this Bill passed, no longer 
would the people be obliged to wait until the 
terms of office of such expired and then perhaps 
have them renominated through influence or 
corruption. They could be voted out of office 
at once. 

"The object of this Bill," Mr. Tubbmann 
concluded, after eloquently setting forth its 
merits, " is to restore representative govern- 
ment." 

" That Bill is so fixed up," remarked Mr. 
Kingfisher, after he had finished reading it. 



IS6 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" that a man can hardly tell what its provisions 
are. A nice piece of work, Tubbmann. We 
may be able to get it through without the Op- 
position finding out what it is." 

" I'm for it all right," said the Hon. Mr. 
Grundage, ^' as long as it don't hurt the liquor 
business." 

"Yes," assented the Hon. Mr. Whodd. 
" Before we do any more talking let's have a 
drink of something." 

''Whodd," exclaimed the Hon. Mr. King- 
fisher, "you're worse than a fish!" And all 
the " Honorables " had a laugh at the Hon. 
Mr. Whodd's expense. 

" There's one important thing you've left out 
of that Bill," Mr. Kingfisher continued, thought- 
fully, " it creates no patronage. We'll have a 
fight on our hands this fall and we'll need all 
the help we can get from things of this kind to 
pull us through." 

" Yes," said the Hon. Mr. Grabb. " Have 
the Bill provide for the division of the State 
into districts and the appointment of inspectors 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 157 

for each district who shall have charge of the 
elections held under this Act." 

" We will have no objection to that," re- 
marked Mr. Tubbmann. 

*' The greatest trouble will be in passing It. 
The Democrats will fight like dogs to keep us 
from getting that patronage." This from the 
Hon. Mr. Spoule. 

"Agree to give them a share, then they'll 
be for it," suggested the Hon. Mr. Smiley, 
laughing. 

"Well," declared Mr. Kingfisher with em- 
phasis, " I don't see why that Bill isn't all right, 
with the addition Grabb suggests. We've got 
to make about so many laws every session or 
the people will think we aren't earning our 
money. The only trouble, as Spoule says, will 
be in getting it through. Say, Jim," he con- 
tinued, addressing his private secretar^^, " go 
across the hall and bring Brandywine in here. 
Brandywine isn't a member of the Legislature, 
Scouten, but he's the smartest man in his line 
In the State." 



I5S THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

A lieutenant then Informed Mr. Kingfisher 
that some of the " Snags " were at the door and 
desired to come in. 

" Confound them! " ejaculated the Hon. Mr. 
Kingfisher, scowling and sticking up his nose 
and snapping his jaw. " Scouten, they're the 
bane of our existence. They're a menace to the 
country, everywhere and in everything. Say 
I'll give them a statement later In the evening," 
he continued, addressing the lieutenant. *' Ah, 
here comes Brandywine." 

All turned toward the door and in came the 
Hon. Wallace Brandywine, smiling and bowing 
as though he would melt away into a sunbeam 
at any minute. He was tall and lank and had 
a pleasing personahty and great ability as a 
public speaker. He was already one of the 
most eloquent advocates of his Party on the 
stump at every election, and afterwards became 
a figure of national prominence. He was now 
at the Capital representing a well-known public 
service corporation. 

" Hello, Brandywine," said Mr. Kingfisher, 
rising and going forward. " Gentlemen," he 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 159 

continued, turning to Mr. Whittleback and his 
companions, " this is our distinguished fellow 
Republican, the Hon. Wallace Brandywine; 
Mr. Brandywine, some good Republicans from 
Poquogg County." 

" Poquogg County," said Mr. Brandywine, 
laughing, as he shook their hands; '' why, I've 
heard of Poquogg County." 

" These gentlemen have a Bill they want to 
get passed," Mr. Kingfisher continued. " It 
strikes me as being a mighty good Bill, for if it 
passes it will give us a whole lot of patronage. 
We would like to get your opinion on it, Brandy- 
wine." 

Mr. Brandywine bowed and smiled and 
asked to hear the Bill. 

" The title of this Bill," said Mr. Tubbmann, 
after briefly reviewing Mr. Whittleback's 
political triumphs, " is ' A Bill to Restore Rep- 
resentative Government,' and provides that 
whenever it becomes apparent that any officer 
or officers elected by the people of any town, 
municipality or city is or are not faithfully dis- 
charging the duty or duties of the office or offices 



i6o THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

to which he or they have been elected, an elec- 
tion shall be called upon the petition of fifteen 
per cent of the qualified electors of said town, 
municipality or city, to vote upon the question 
of whether such officer or officers shall be longer 
continued In office.'* 

Mr. Brandy wine, who had subjected Mr. 
Whittleback to a close scrutiny during Mr. 
Tubbmann's remarks, now addressed him and 
inquired: 

" How do you like being a politician? " 

" I'm not a politician, I'm a Reformer, sir." 

Mr. Scouten, whose practiced eyes saw at 
once that Mr. Brandywine did not approve the 
Bill, now entered the conversation : 

'' Yes," said he, " Mr. Whittleback is a most 
successful Reformer. He is now President of 
Sky View, but next year he will be a member of 
the Legislature." 

A member of the Legislature ! This gave an 
entirely different aspect to the matter. Mr. 
Brandywine had almost made a grave political 
mistake. 

''Why, Mr. Whittleback," he exclaimed. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY i6i 

giving that gentleman one of his most winning 
smiles, " I am glad to know you and to hear 
about your work. Reform is something that is 
always needed. May the gods smile upon you, 
— Kingfisher, it's a good Bill and will be popu- 
lar with the people." 

" I thought you'd like it," replied that dis- 
tinguished legislator. " We'll add the amend- 
ment Grabb suggests and let Whodd introduce 
It in the morning." 

Hardly had these Important details been ar- 
ranged when a lieutenant entered and announced 
that a strange woman was at the door demand- 
ing admission. 

"Who is she?" 

" She says her name's Diggln." 

" Yes," said Mr. Kingfisher, " she's Presi- 
dent of some National Anti something, Isn't 
she?" 

'' National Anti-Epicurean League," sug- 
gested the lieutenant. 

" That's It," repeated Mr. Kingfisher, 
" National Anti-Epicurean League. Jim," he 



1 62 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

continued, turning to the private secretary, 
" what under the sun is that? " 

" They must be opposed to eating too 
much," replied the private secretary. 

" No," exclaimed the Hon. Mr. Grundage, 
" they're opposed to the sale of whiskey. Con- 
found her and all her tribe ! " 

" Why don't you have your liquor people 
buy her off, Grundage? " inquired the Hon. Mr, 
Kingfisher. 

" Haven't we tried? You can't buy 'em. 
They've got a lot of Bills introduced again 
this session. Some day the pressure will be 
so great we'll have to report 'em out of com- 
mittee and then youse fellows will have to stand 
up and beat 'em on the floor." 

" She can certainly talk some though." re- 
marked the Hon. Mr. Spoule. '' I heard her 
last night over in State Street Church. She 
said your liquor business, Grundage, makes 
seventy-five per cent of the criminals and pau- 
pers of the State." 

"Suppose we do?" retorted the Hon. Mr. 
Grundage. " Don't we pay the State for mak- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 163 

ing 'em? And if we pay for making 'em, 
what's the odds?" 

" She's dangerous, though," said the Hon. 
Silas Grabb. " You ought to pull her off some 
way, Grundage. If these women had a vote 
they'd turn us all out of office." 

" Ha, ha ! " exclaimed the Hon. Mr. Brandy- 
wine, who had lingered to hear this bit of legis- 
lative gossip. " If you're going to compHcate 
our troubles by getting the fair sex in the 
game, I'm going to get out." 

" Yes," said Mr. Kingfisher, addressing the 
lieutenant, " and tell her to get out too, and 
mind, sir, you don't let her get in here again." 



CHAPTER XX 

WHEN Mr. Whittleback and his asso- 
ciates returned to their apartments they 
were bombarded by messenger boys bearing 
cards and communications from newspaper re- 
porters and political correspondents requesting 
an interview, to all of which Mr. Scouten re- 
sponded that such interview would not be 
granted. It was a favorite move of the poli- 
ticians of that period to hold off important rail- 
road and corporation Bills until near the end of 
the session, and then, in the rush of business 
before adjournment, to get them passed with- 
out anybody discovering what they really 
were. The news had now got abroad in news- 
paper circles of the Capital that three distin- 
guished politicians had just arrived in the city 
with an important Bill, and the leading news- 
papers had offered a prize to the reporter who 
should first secure information as to its pro- 
visions. 

164 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 165 

" They've heard that something is going on 
and they want to find out what it is," remarked 
Mr. Scouten. 

''Won't they ever stop coming?" inquired 
Mr. Whittleback, as the cards and requests 
kept increasing. 

" Don't know and I don't care," replied that 
untiring pubhc servant. " Whodd said not to 
talk and we had better not. We're getting 
along pretty well." 

" Yes," responded Mr. Whittleback, who 
was delighted at the progress they had made. 

" You can get anything here if you've got 
the pull," interposed Mr. Tubbmann, " for 
Kingfisher runs the Assembly and Dilley runs 
the Senate and Brandywine runs 'em all I A 
very interesting state of affairs in a democracy 1 '* 

" Mr. Whittleback," said Mr. Scouten, with- 
out noticing Mr. Tubbmann's observation, 
" you might have been surprised at what I said 
to Brandywine when we were discussing the 
Bill, but I told him before telling you because 
I saw that was necessary to get his support. 
Whodd's a man who ought to be promoted and 



i66 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

The Organization has decided to promote him. 
He's to run for the Senate this fall and we've 
chosen you as his successor." 

Like most deserved honors, this one came to 
Mr. Whittleback entirely unsought and entirely 
unexpected. He was so surprised he did not 
know what to say and hence remained silent. 

Mr. Scouten, who knew well how to overcome 
the objections of a prospective candidate, if ob- 
jections there were, began to tell him about the 
opportunities an Assemblyman enjoyed of serv- 
ing the Public and what an honor it was to be 
a member of the Legislature. Before he had 
finished, the door opened suddenly and in came 
the Hon. John L. Whodd, who had just been 
victorious in a drinking contest in the bar room. 

"Hello, gentlemen," said the Hon. Mr. 
Whodd, whose face was redder than usual and 
who was a bit unsteady on his legs, " I'm glad 
to see you," and he thereupon proceeded to 
give each a hearty handshake, at the same time 
declaring that he was glad they were " Hon- 
orables " for he was an " Honorable " himself 
and they were all " Honorables " together. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 167 



''Sit down, Whodd," said Mr. Scouten, 
" we want to talk to you." 

" Then you've got to drink with me." And 
going to the bottle which was on the table Mr. 
Whodd insisted on helping everybody to a gen- 
erous supply of its contents, after which he 
helped himself. 

" I was just telling Mr. Whittleback," Mr. 
Scouten continued, after Mr. Whodd had at 
last seated himself, " about the plans of The 
Organization for the fall campaign." 

" Did you say he was an Organization man 
all right, Scouten?" pointing to Mr. Whittle- 
back. 

"What's the matter with you, Whodd?" 
exclaimed Mr. Scouten, fiercely. " I want you 
to give Mr. Whittleback an idea of the duties 
of an Assemblyman." 

" It's this way," Mr. Whodd replied: " You 
can be just about as active a representative as 
' you want to be. Kingfisher's taken charge of 
everything this session and last session and I 
don't know how many sessions before that. 
Grabb's always getting up reports and calling 



ij58 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

for investigations, but they don't amount to 
anything except to take up time and get some- 
body to buy him off." 

" Tell him about the committees," suggested 
Mr. Scouten. 

" Yes, the committees. In your first year if 
you stand In well they'll put you on a committee. 
After you've been here long enough to learn the 
ropes they'll make you chairman of a commit- 
tee. The committees consider Bills which are 
referred to them and report favorably or un- 
favorably or never report at all. For instance, 
I'm Chairman of the Committee on Laws and 
Public Morals and all Bills affecting those sub- 
jects are referred to my Committee," and Mr. 
Whodd helped himself to another glass of the 
contents of the bottle and Insisted on helping 
the rest too. 

" Say, Whodd," Interposed Mr. Scouten, 
" if you keep on the way you're going you won't 
be in any condition to take charge of any Bill 
to-morrow." 

" That shows how much you know about 
me," replied the Hon. Mr. Whodd with great 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 169 

contempt. " Why, I did Kingfisher and Dilley 
and Grundage and the whole crowd of 'em up 
last night and was bright as a lark this morning. 
So you see, gentlemen," he continued, after he 
had given himself this flattering recommenda- 
tion, ** you needn't worry about me." 

" Gentlemen," exclaimed Mr. Tubbmann, 
rising and making a majestic bow, " there's a 
divinity that shapes our ends. Whodd, you 
and I and all of us will pass away. It behooves 
us, then, to get our epitaphs. Here's mine," 
he continued, gazing far off into space and then 
condescending to come back to earth again: 

" Jerome Alexander Tubbmann, 
School teacher and lawyer, 
Who never sold anybody out, 
And died game." 

*' Say, Tubbmann," said Mr. Whodd, laugh- 
ing heartily, " if you can't take a drink or two 
without getting sentimental, I'm going to 
leave." 

" And I'll be blessed," interposed Mr. Whit- 



lyo THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

tleback, who had never crowded so much into 
one day before and who found he could not 
keep up with the pace set by Mr. Whodd, " if 
I don't think we'd better all go to bed while 
we can get there. Mr. Scouten, I'll talk to you 
in the morning." 



CHAPTER XXI 

THE Bill to Restore Representative Gov- 
ernment attracted attention at once. No 
sooner was It Introduced and published in the 
press than It became, as the Hon. Wallace 
Brandywine had prophesied, Immensely popular 
with the people. Little did the Hon. Harrison 
Kingfisher and his distinguished associates sup- 
pose It would create such a sensation. They 
had attached little importance to it outside of 
the opportunity it afforded for securing much 
needed patronage, and were therefore little 
prepared for the enthusiasm It aroused. Not 
In many years had a Bill found such instant 
favor with the Public. The morning following 
Its Introduction the whole State was talking 
about It. All eyes were turned to the Capital. 
Apparently there was not a village or a town- 
ship but had officials who ought to be gotten rid 
of. Moreover, the principle of popular sov- 
ereignty was at stake. The various Societies 

171 



172 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

for the Protection of Civil Liberty entered the 
lists in its behalf and sent delegations to the 
Capital to demand its speedy passage. The 
Liberty Leagues, and Civic Leagues, the Citizen 
Alliances, and Vigilance Committees, sent reso- 
lutions praying for its passage and advocating 
its passage and demanding its passage. The 
members of the Legislature were bombarded 
with letters and telegrams requesting and de- 
manding their favorable vote upon it, and 
threatening dire consequences if it were not 
passed; and the press — was not the press al- 
ways on the side of the people, for were not the 
Interests of the people and of the press identi- 
cal? The freedom of both must be preserved. 
Anything which gave the people more power 
was to the people's advantage; and did not this 
Bill give greater power to the people in their 
conflict with the politicians? Who would op- 
pose the Bill? Those who were not represent- 
ing the people and who would be likely to lose 
their offices. And one newspaper boldly pub- 
lished a list of those members of the Legislature 
who were notorious for their devotion to the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 173 

interests of the corporations and the railroads in 
preference to the interests of the people. The 
Legislature existed but to enact into law the 
wish of the people, and if the legislators did 
not obey the people's will, woe unto them, for 
the people had a remedy. That was the ad- 
vantage of a democracy. 

Who was the man who had dared to propose 
such a beneficent measure? He was a true 
champion of the people and should be sup- 
ported and encouraged. Mr. Whittleback had 
letters pouring in upon him from all parts of 
the State, thanking him and praising him and 
congratulating him and requesting his photo- 
graph and his autograph. Reporters followed 
him constantly. When he appeared upon the 
street he was surrounded by a crowd of news- 
paper men, for the Public wanted to know all 
about this champion of its rights, and what he 
did and what he said and what he looked like. 
His picture was in- every paper and he was 
" written up " by special correspondents, each 
of whom seemed to find something new to say 
about him, until from being almost unknown 



174 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

outside of Poquogg County, he became within 
a few days after his arrival in the Capital one 
of the most talked of men in the State, if not 
on the American continent. 

The legislative leaders, however, now found 
themselves In a very embarrassing position, for 
the Bill aroused the unanimous opposition of 
the politicians of both Parties. If it was so 
popular with the people, they argued, it must 
be dangerous to themselves, many of whom 
might be voted out of office should it become a 
law. Such a law would ruin the whole scheme 
of party politics and lay the politicians open 
to any and all sorts of attacks from the Public. 
No political leader would ever know where he 
was at. There would be no stability left to the 
government. No Organization office holder 
would be safe. What was the inducement to 
work and elect your candidates when the people 
could vote them out of office if they happened 
to do something wrong? How were political 
leaders ever going to dispense offices to trusted 
lieutenants with any security if the people were 
given the right to vote them out of office? 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 175 

Organization orators waxed eloquent on the 
benefits of political leadership, the advantages 
of political Parties, and the serious damage 
that would be done were such a blow struck at 
the foundations of the government; and politi- 
cal leaders of all kinds and descriptions and of 
all degrees of political power came on to the 
Capital and laid siege to the Legislature to pre- 
vent the passage of a Bill which made such a 
heinous attack upon the sacred and vested rights 
of political Parties and Party leaders. 

A serious situation indeed! Here were the 
people, on the one hand, demanding the pas- 
sage of the Bill; and on the other hand were 
the politicians, always distrustful of the peo- 
ple, whom they ever feared, demanding its de- 
feat. Were it to pass, it might strip the poli- 
ticians of their power, and were it defeated, 
popular indignation might run so high that the 
Democrats would make it an issue in the next 
campaign and the Republicans lose the fall 
election. 

Meanwhile the Bill had passed its first read- 
ing and had been referred to the Committee 



176 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

on Laws an3 Public Morals. The Committee 
fixed an early day for a public hearing and in- 
vited both sides to present their arguments. 

The hearing was held in the Assembly Cham- 
ber. The Hon. John L. Whodd, Chairman 
of the Committee, honored the occasion by 
solemnly resolving that morning that he would 
never drink another drop of whiskey as long 
as he lived. This was no unusual thing for 
that gen4:leman, however, for he was accustomed 
to make this resolution whenever he had on 
hand anything he considered of special impor- 
tance, and that the Committee had an important 
matter on its hands Mr, Whodd had been made 
to realize, for in the last few days he had re- 
ceived more letters and telegrams about this 
Bill than he had theretofore received in all the 
years of his public life. 

When the members of the Committee ar- 
rived and took their places they found the 
Chamber already filled to overflowing with an 
eager audience made up of citizens from all 
parts of the State. Mr. Tubbmann was the 
first speaker for the Bill. It was an occasion 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 177 

worthy of his best efforts and he rose to the 
occasion. His speech is talked of about the 
Capital to this very day. He traced the prog- 
ress of popular government from the early days 
of the long ago, told how through the ages 
slowly but surely over a pathway lighted with 
the sacrifices of martyr patriots men had fought 
their way upward to a government of the peo- 
ple, for the people and by the people as founded 
by the Revolutionary fathers. Then pros- 
perity had come, and in their prosperity the 
people had forgotten to guard their rights, and 
there was always some one to usurp their rights. 
While the people slept, the politicians and politi- 
cal bosses had robbed them of their freedom 
and had usurped their inalienable right to choose 
their own officials. What right had these self- 
constituted political bosses to say who should be 
nominated for every office from that of Gov- 
ernor of the State down to constable? That 
was tyranny of the worst sort. He could see 
little difference between bondage to a king and 
bondage to a political boss. But In every hour 
of need there was a man raised up to fight the 



178 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

people's cause. Such a man had come forward 
now to lead the people of his State, and Nation 
it might be, from the bondage of political 
Parties to the perfect freedom which was their 
God-given right. Need he tell the Committee 
who was that man? The whole State was 
talking about him and about this Bill, the pas- 
sage of which he was advocating. Who would 
object to the Bill? Every office holder who 
was a crook. Honest men had nothing to fear. 
No political boss would dare nominate dishon- 
est men if this Bill became a law. Who were 
opposed to the Bill? Every politician and 
political boss who feared the people. Who 
favored the Bill? The people of the State. 
" Gentlemen," he concluded dramatically, " the 
people demand the passage of this Bill. Obey 
the will of the people and favorably report it." 
It was a masterful effort, so masterful indeed 
that Mr. Whittlcback thought the applause 
would never end, so masterful that for the life 
of him he did not see how anything could be 
said In opposition. Imagine his surprise, there- 
fore, when the Hon. Mr. Grundage arose and 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 179 

asked permission to address the Committee in 
opposition to the Bill. 

''Yes," said the Hon. Mr. Whodd, who 
knew Mr. Grundage had been selected by the 
politicians to oppose the Bill, " come on up and 
speak your piece." 

This was all very funny, declared Mr. 
Grundage, laughing heartily. It was a fine the- 
ory, but it was impractical; the politicians would 
soon find a way to nullify it. You could not 
make men honest by law. It was better to have 
bad men in office than to be changing office 
holders all the time. There would be no sta- 
bility to the government. The people were 
fickle anyway. You could never trust them. 
They voted for a Republican to-day and for a 
Democrat to-morrow. This was only one of 
their passing whims. The Committee need not 
be afraid to report the Bill unfavorably, for the 
Public was quick to forget and would forget 
all about the matter by next election. The 
legislators should act as the guardians of the 
people, who should not always have what they 
wanted. Had anybody thought of the money 



iSo THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

it would cost to pay all these Inspectors that 
were provided for in the Bill? 

Mr. Grundage's speech was by no means a 
short lived affair, and after he had talked for 
nearly two hours he seemed to be no nearer the 
end than when he began. He was, however, a 
very fat man and the exercise of speaking 
proved very burdensome, so that he was at 
length compelled to stop from sheer exhaustion, 
asking the Committee, however, for leave to 
present further facts at a subsequent hearing. 

''Further facts!" exclaimed a voice In the 
rear of the Chamber, and the redoubtable Mrs. 
DIggin came forward. " You're a miserable 
bloat," she continued, shaking her fist at the 
Hon. Mr. Grundage, who was panting and puf- 
fing from the effects of his speech. Then turn- 
ing to the Committee she announced: 

" Gentlemen, Tm Mrs. Diggin, President of 
the National Anti-Epicurean League, and I 
want to tell you we're for this Bill." 

*' What's the National Anti-Epicurean 
League got to do with this Bill? " demanded the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY iSx 

Hon. Mr. Grundage of the Committee. *' This 
isn't a temperance Bill." 

The audience, which had grown restless dur- 
ing Mr. Grundage's long speech, was now all 
attention and eagerly waited to hear Mrs. Dig- 
gin's reply to this inquiry. 

" I'll tell you why we're for this Bill," she 
responded, turning and facing the audience. 
" Half of your public officials aren't enforcing 
the Excise Law in this State. This Bill gives 
the people a chance to vote such fellows out of 
office, and they'll enforce the law rather than 
lose their salaries. You're afraid of the Na- 
tional Anti-Epicurean League, aren't you? " she 
continued, turning upon Mr. Grundage again. 
'' We'll make you a good deal more afraid of 
it before we get through. Very little you care 
about increasing taxes. You're afraid you 
might sell less whiskey." 

Here the Hon. Mr. Whodd came to the aid 
of his brother " Honorable " and inquired of 
Mrs. Diggin whether she intended to make a 
speech or to abuse representatives of the people. 



1 82 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" Representatives of the people ! " she ex- 
claimed. " You represent the people a lot, 
don't you? He represents the liquor business," 
pointing to the Hon. Mr. Grundage, ^' and an- 
other represents some other monopoly, and an- 
other something else he hadn't ought to 
represent. You ought to be proud of your 
representatives," she continued, turning and 
facing the audience, which laughed heartily at 
this sally. " You don't want them I know, but 
you can't get rid of them. This Bill will help 
you to get rid of some of them." 

After this outburst, Mr. Whodd wisely con- 
cluded that it would be best to interrupt Mrs. 
Diggin no further, and she thereupon proceeded 
to give her lecture on " The Effects of Whiskey 
on the Human Organism." Unfortunately, 
this did not prove popular with the audience,, 
for diseased anatomies and horrid deaths were 
not pleasant things to contemplate, but these 
she declared were the inevitable results of 
whiskey drinking and whiskey selling. Mr. 
Whodd, however, was strengthened in his total 
abstinence resolution as Mrs. Diggin fixed her 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 183 

eyes sternly upon him during one of her ve- 
hement passages and referred ominously to 
" flushed faces " and " discolored eyes.'* Hav- 
ing talked for nearly an hour upon this edify- 
ing subject, she concluded by warning the Com- 
mittee that if they did not favorably report the 
Bill she would publicly denounce them in every 
lecture she delivered in the State in the next 
three months. 

No sooner had Mrs. Diggin concluded her 
remarks than Mr. Whodd, who for his part 
could see no sense in the Bill anyway, and who 
distrusted his ability to stay awake longer, an- 
nounced that the Committee would then ad- 
journ and if further arguments were to be made 
another hearing would be given. 

But popular clamor was so loud for the Bill 
that the Committee decided to report it favor- 
ably and let both sides fight it out on the floor 
of the Assembly. There it was debated for 
several days before crowded galleries. Orators 
on both sides presented with much vehemence 
its advantages and its defects ; all sorts of plans 
were laid to defeat it and all sorts of plans laid 



i84 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

to defeat the plans to defeat it; there were 
caucuses and conferences, and propositions and 
counter-propositions, and charges of corrup- 
tion and charges of intimidation, until at last 
by a narrow margin it passed its second read- 
ing and the third day following was fixed as 
the time for taking the final vote. Those were 
three anxious days for Mr. Whittleback and for 
thousands of his countrymen, for notwithstand- 
ing the fact that Mr. Kingfisher remained loyal 
to the Bill, no one could predict with any cer- 
tainty the final result. 

The momentous day has arrived. A vast 
throng fills every inch of standing room in the 
galleries and corridors. The faces of the 
legislators are tense with excitement; hardly one 
but has some constituent among the audience. 
In a country which is never tired of boasting of 
its freedom the citizens of a great State have 
been seeking by threats and petitions to force 
the men they have elected to office to pass a 
law they desire enacted. 

A silence has fallen on the Assembly. Every 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 185 

one IS attention. The Hon. Harrison King- 
fisher is even now thinking of the patronage 
which will be at his disposal when the Bill be- 
comes a law. The silence is broken by the 
voice of the Clerk announcing the name of the 
Bill, " A Bill to Restore Representative Gov- 
ernment," and almost immediately he starts to 
call the roll and the voting begins. x\yes are 
followed by nays and nays by ayes In rapid suc- 
cession. Mr. Kingfisher has worked hard for 
the Bill, but Mr. Grundage has worked hard 
against It. Two members have changed their 
votes since the last reading and have now voted 
no. The excitement becomes Intense. It is 
now a grave question whether the Bill will pass. 
Mr. Kingfisher, who is keeping tally In his 
private record book, sees that it Is very close, so 
close. Indeed, that after the " V's " have been 
reached the Bill needs one more vote to pass, 
and there Is but one more name on the list: 
John L. Whodd. Mr. Kingfisher hastily turns 
to the seat occupied by that distinguished legis- 
lator. Mr. Whodd is not there. It was not 
Mr. Kingfisher*s fault that he should forget 



i86 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

to look after Mr. Whodd, for was It to be 
expected that the Chairman of the Committee 
which favorably reported the Bill would need 
any looking after? 

*' We forgot to keep Whodd sober," mutters 
Mr. Kingfisher to himself. *' Grundage has 
got him drunk. A fatal mistake." 

An instant later the Clerk announces: " John 
L. Whodd of Poquogg." 

No response. 

" John L. Whodd of Poquogg," repeats the 
Clerk. 

Still no response. 

" Absent," shouts the Sergeant-at-Arms, as a 
titter runs through the ranks of the Bill's op- 
ponents, who know Mr. Whodd's weakness for 
good whiskey. 

*' John L. Whodd of Poquogg," shouts the 
Clerk for the third and last time. 

Still no response. 

'' Lost," announces the Speaker, after the of- 
ficial count has been made. 

" Lost," repeats the Sergeant-at-Arms. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 187 

Lost! After three weeks of hard work and 
prodigious effort. Lost, after the hardest fight 
that had been made for a Bill in many a day, 
and lost, too, in such a manner. It was enough 
to blast forever the hopes of the most optimistic 
Reformer who ever set his foot in the Capital. 



CHAPTER XXII 

THE course of this history has taken us so 
far from Sky View and led us into such 
bitter political conflicts, that it is with a feeling 
of great satisfaction we return to that country 
village, the scene of many political conflicts, in- 
deed, but now in summer one of the quietest 
places in all the world. It was not one of your 
hustling, bustling towns, with people coming in 
and going out, and changing its population over 
night; in fact, it was almost unchanged from 
what it had been a half century before; and 
although the railroad carried more people by 
it in a single day than there were people in all 
Its confines, it caught nothing of the spirit of 
the busy world beyond, but remained a country 
town and was not ambitious to be anything else. 
No place could be found better suited to the 
needs of a man like Erasmus Dusenbury than 
this very village where we found Mr. Whittle- 

x88 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 189 

back, and nowhere could be found a man more 
in contrast to the men with whom we have been 
deahng, for Mr. Dusenbury was a man of let- 
ters. He was always proving something. He 
claimed to be a scientist; therefore he could take 
nothing for granted. He had once been a 
teacher in the village school, but had retired 
from that occupation to devote the remaining 
years of his life to the cause of Science. This 
unusual proceeding had brought him much 
notorietv^ among his townsmen, who debated 
among themselves as to whether he was a little 
out of his mind or had received an unexpected 
legacy. He explained it thus: As a teacher he 
could be of service only to Sky View; as a 
scientist he would be of service to the world; 
for he believed that he had discovered a new 
Law, which he named " The Law of Mutual 
Attraction," in obedience to which every particle 
of matter in the universe Is continually striving 
to single out and attach itself to ever)^ other 
particle of the same kind, thus causing the revo- 
lution of the earth upon its axis, the growth of 
plants and trees, the ebbing and flowing of the 



ipo THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

tides, in short, all the various changes that are 
constantly taking place upon this or any other 
planet. To acquaint the world with the opera- 
tions of this important Law was the object of 
his literary labors. He frequently turned aside 
from his main theme, however, to disprove fal- 
lacies which seemed to be continually creeping 
into the minds of scientific men in other parts 
of the world. Perhaps he would hear that some 
scientist of repute was a believer in axioms, and 
he would immediately set to work to show that 
brother the error of his way, for axioms Mr. 
Dusenbury regarded as dangerous shoals in the 
route of scientific voyagers and would have 
nothing to do with them. Everything must be 
proved and nothing assumed, as this taking 
something for granted and calling it an axiom 
might lead nobody could tell where. 

Spring had come, and the Spirit of the Spring 
breathed over the earth. Her breath had a 
mystic power, for flowers and grass appeared 
everywhere. The bare mountains were filled 
with verdure and were transformed into a fairy 
country and a new world of life and living 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 191 

things. The fields became gardens, the mead- 
ows became pastures. Lakes became the 
center of summer colonies and farm houses 
were turned into summer hotels. Camping 
parties pitched their tents by quiet springs or 
mountain streams under the open sky. Nature 
was making her call again to the sons of men 
and they were fesponding, for she was never 
disappointing. 

Mr. Dusenbury was not one of those who 
would leave his work even for a brief time to 
enjoy the beauties about him; he was interested 
in knowing and proving the why of things. 
Now when the summer is far advanced see him 
in his room at the Home Club, a trim, little 
figure with a kindly face, and eager eyes cov- 
ered by spectacles, writing away for dear life, 
chuckling, perhaps, at some proposition he has 
just demonstrated which will throw consterna- 
tion among a lot of upstart scientists who are 
willing to take something for granted. While 
we are watching him the Club's steward en- 
ters and announces a visitor. It is against his 
rule to receive visitors in the morning, but when 



192 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

he learns that this visitor is a stranger who has 
come all the way from England, and is a Cap- 
tain as well, he relents and consents to receive 
him. 

" I am Captain Berwick," said the stranger, 
when he was ushered into the room. He was a 
short, fat little man, with eyes which set too 
far out of his head, and brown side whiskers. 
He talked by fits and jerks and had a funny 
habit of beginning a sentence in a high key and 
ending it in a low one. *' And this is Mr. 
Dusenbury?" he continued, dropping into the 
low key. 

"Can you prove it, sir?" demanded Mr. 
Dusenbury, removing his spectacles and look- 
ing the Captain over. 

Captain Berwick was somewhat taken back 
by this inquiry, but he quickly recovered him- 
self and replied: *' Well now, sir, that shows 
you are a scientific man, which if I hadn't known 
before I should know now." This remark so 
pleased Mr. Dusenbury that he pursued the 
embarrassing subject no further, but shook 
hands with his visitor and bade him welcome. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 193 

" You're always shaking hands in this coun- 
try, aren't you? " remarked the Captain in the 
high key. 

" Yes," said Mr. Dusenbury, " we get it 
from the politicians I guess." 

" I'm from England, you know," the Captain 
announced in the low key. 

Captain Berwick had heard much about the 
great amount of tobacco which was yearly con- 
sumed in pipes and cigars by the American peo- 
ple. Convinced of the vast physical harm 
which in course of time would thereby be done 
to the citizens of the Republic, he determined to 
invent something that would greatly lessen it. 
His knowledge of chemistry and mechanics came 
to his relief and he at last perfected an instru- 
ment which he believed would accomplish his 
purpose, and only waited a favorable oppor- 
tunity of introducing it to the American Public. 
An accommodating relative having died and 
left him a legacy, he considered it a favorable 
time to visit America, and here we find him in 
Sky View, talking to Mr. Dusenbury, as much 
at home as he ever was in all his life. 



194 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" You're a scientist," he continued, without 
giving Mr. Dusenbury a chance to reply to his 
last remark; " youVe heard of the Royal So- 
ciety? Well, I'm a friend of the Royal 
Society." 

Having delivered these credentials, which 
made a profound impression upon his audience, 
he went on to say that he might be considered 
somewhat of a scientist himself, for he had a 
high regard for men of learning; he was just 
about to relate how he had happened to reach 
Sky View and hear of Mr. Dusenbury, when 
that gentleman interrupted him and declared 
that if the Captain were a scientist it was all 
very plain, as one scientist would naturally 
be attracted to another, for according to the 
Law of Mutual Attraction like objects attracted 
like, and he thereupon proceeded to explain to 
the Captain how this Law of Mutual Attraction 
solved the whole problem of the existence of the 
universe and explained all the various activities 
of human life. The Captain proved such an 
appreciative listener to this discourse that Mr. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 195 

Dusenbury declared he was a man after his own 
heart and invited him to be his guest at the 
Club for an indefinite time. 



CHAPTER XXIII 

WAS there ever such a festival as the 
Poquogg County Fair? It came just at 
the right time of the year, when the summer's 
work was done. Then the farmers brought out 
their big wagons and took their wives and chil- 
dren for a day of merry making. Early in the 
morning they left their homes from every part 
of the county, drove along the country roads, 
laughing, singing, shouting, until at last they 
came to Gilead and caught sight of the Fair 
Grounds down in the valley, all decked out with 
flags and bunting and gay colors of every 
description. 

The Fair lasted a week, but there was al- 
ways " the best day." The politicians of the 
last century early saw the advantages which 
the county fairs afforded for meeting their con- 
stituents and discussing political questions. 

196 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 197 

So " the best day " of a Fair week was " Poli- 
tician Day," when some well-known politician 
honored the Fair by his presence. 

This is " Whittleback Day " at the Poquogg 
County Fair; for on this day the Hon. Na- 
thaniel Whittleback, Poquogg County's distin- 
guished citizen, who is soon to represent the 
county in the State Legislature, is to be present, 
and is to make a speech. People who have 
been here on the other days come again to-day, 
and those who can come but once come to-day. 
All the county is here, it would seem: Grand- 
fathers and grandmothers; hardy young farm- 
ers and their buxom wives ; happy young couples 
strolling arm in arm about the grounds; rollick- 
ing children, who spend their pennies at the 
candy booths and play hide and seek among the 
crowd; horse jockeys, who hold forth to won- 
dering groups about their favorite steeds. 
There are pick pockets, who follow in the wake 
of county fairs; sharpers from the city, who 
play tricks upon the country lads ; strolling play- 
ers, who play the latest songs and sing them 



198 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

too; and acrobats, who perform for merry 
crowds in little tents pitched here and there. 
All is merriment and Nature seems to smile 
upon the happy scene. The crowd wander 
through the building where the exhibits are 
displayed, admire the prize sheep, handle the 
great ears of corn and the bright red apples, 
clap their hands at sight of the massive pump- 
kins and the big yellow turnips, marvel at the 
size of the prize pig, and run away when the 
prize bull begins to bellow and to paw the 
ground with such a savage air. 

But Mr. Whittleback has not come yet. 

They ride upon the merry-go-rounds, and 
dance to the music of the band, drink the lemon- 
ade which has the recommendation of having 
been made in the shade and stirred by an old 
maid, buy peanuts, candy, cakes and fruit, and 
then form in groups and eat their dinners while 
sitting on the ground. 

The jockeys bring out their horses and ex- 
ercise them on the track. And now the crowd 
rush over to where the jockeys are and praise 
the horses and their drivers. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 199 

But a great shout is heard; Mr. Whittleback 
is coming at last. All rush to the entrance 
gate. There comes the big four-seated wagon 
with its spanking team. The horses are gal- 
loping, the band strikes up a lively air and 
everybody shouts. They all make way, and 
the horses are brought to a stop right in the 
crowd. There is Mr. Tubbmann with his 
great broad-brimmed hat saluting the crowd 
with a martial air; there is Mr. Whittleback 
smiling and bowing in all directions; there is 
Mr. Scouten, and President Costaine, and Mr. 
Dusenbury, and by Mr. Dusenbury's side, with 
his eyes fixed upon the crowd and marvelling 
greatly at it and staring at everybody and 
everything, sits Captain Berwick, delighted be- 
yond expression at having such a favorable op- 
portunity of introducing his invention to the 
American people. 

No sooner do Mr. Whittleback and his com- 
panions alight than the crowd charge up to 
them, and shake hands with them. Everybody 
must do himself the honor of shaking hands 
with Mr. Whittleback. That distinguished 



200 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

man never received so flattering a reception in 
all his life, and is kept busy giving hearty hand- 
shakes in every direction. The crowd bear 
him and his associates in triumphal procession 
to the building where the exhibits are displayed 
and Mr. Whittleback praises everything and 
everybody. He pats the children on the head 
and tells them what fine children they are. 
The prize cows and the prize sheep are the 
finest he has ever seen, and this is the greatest 
day he has ever had, which, in truth, it is. 
Then the crowd bear him over to the stables 
to see the horses, and Mr. Whittleback shakes 
hands with the jockeys and tells them it gives 
him great pleasure to look into their honest 
faces. The jockeys advise him upon which 
horses to bet and upon which not to bet. Then 
the crowd charge up to the Grand Stand and 
take seats, for now the fun is to begin in earnest. 
Mr. Whittleback, Mr. Tubbmann, Mr. 
Scouten, and a number of other prominent citi- 
zens and horsemen, have been selected to act 
as the judges of the horse races, and so are con- 
ducted to the Judges' stand. Upon taking the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 201 

seat reserved for him Mr. Whittleback finds 
sitting next to him the Hon. John L. Whodd, 
as jolly and red-faced as ever. The Hon. Mr. 
Whodd gives Mr. Whittleback a hearty hand- 
shake and informs him, in a whisper, that he 
has not touched a drop of whiskey since his un- 
fortunate experience at the Capital. " Good," 
replies Mr. Whittleback, " I'll be blessed if 
that isn't the best thing I've heard in a long 
while." Then the jockeys line up their horses 
and the Official Starter calls the first race. The 
horses start and everybody cheers. The jock- 
eys and horses do their best. The four horses 
are even. They continue even and cross the 
line almost even. Everybody shouts, the band 
begins to play, and the first race is over. But 
the money does not change hands; no one is 
satisfied; no one will hand over. There is a 
fight and the crowd take sides. Policeman 
Rafferty, who has been imported to maintain 
order, rushes forward, charges the combatants, 
and knocks them to the ground. It is all over, 
and the crowd resume their seats. The next 
race gives better satisfaction; there is no doubt 



202 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

about who Is the winner this time and every- 
body Is happy except the men who lose their 
bets. 

There Is an Intermission before the next race 
begins. The band plays and the people talk 
and laugh and eat more peanuts and drink 
more soda water. Mr. Scouten Informs Mr. 
Whittleback that they had better come down- 
stairs, for there are some voters who desire 
to meet him, and that any way they must mix 
among the people. 

As soon as Mr. Whittleback and Mr. Scouten 
make their appearance on the other side of the 
track where the crowd were, they were beset 
by a great number of people who desired to be 
Introduced. Here was a good Republican, 
Mr. Scouten declared, shaking hands with him, 
who had always been a Republican; yes, and he 
always would be a Republican, the man de- 
clared, as he shook hands with Mr. Whittle- 
back, as long as the Republican Party had In It 
such men as Mr. Whittleback. Here was an- 
other man who had until lately been a Demo- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 203 

crat, but had never been able to get anything 
from that Party, and so had suddenly been so 
touched by the public sacrifices of Mr. Whit- 
tleback that he had come into the Republican 
Party, and now inquired if Mr. Whittleback 
could not get him a pass to Niagara Falls. 
Here was another who was always looking for 
an easy job, and who now asked Mr. Whittle- 
back to get him such a job, for he had always 
voted the Republican ticket, but had never got- 
ten anything except a few passes. Here was 
another who had been the bane of every politi- 
cian for the last thirty years, for he had the mis- 
fortune always to have a relative to be provided 
for, and he now asked Mr. Whittleback to get 
a job for his daughter's husband, who, follow- 
ing the example of his father-in-law, always 
voted the Republican ticket and was the father 
of five sons, each of whom when he came of 
age would vote the Republican ticket. To all 
these and many, many more, whose great rec- 
ommendation was that they always voted the 
Republican ticket, Mr. Whittleback gave hearty 
handshakes and assurances that he was de- 



204 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

lighted to see them and would certainly do all 
in his power to carry out their wishes, and even 
patted some of them on the back. 

Suddenly a rough looking man who carried a 
cane and wore large spectacles edged his way 
through the crowd. 

"You're a Reformer?" he inquired of Mr. 
Whittleback. 

" Yes." 

" YouVe a Republican, aren't you?" 

" Yes." 

" Well, I don't belong to either Party." 

" But you're going to vote for Mr. Whittle- 
back when he is nominated, aren't you?" in- 
quired Mr. Scouten, giving him a hearty hand- 
shake. 

" No, sir," replied the stranger, " I never 
vote, sir. I'm disgusted with both Parties, sir; 
and if you knew as much about 'em as I do," he 
continued, shaking his fist at Mr. Whittleback, 
" you wouldn't vote either." 

" You might better get in and fight to make 
things better," exclaimed Mr. Whittleback, his 
anger rising. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 205 

"What good would that do?" asked the 
man. 

" You'd be doing your duty for one thing," 
retorted Mr. Whittleback, " and when enough 
men get in the fight to make things better 
they'll be better." 

This doctrine evidently did not please the 
stranger, for he disappeared as suddenly as he 
had come. 

Hardly had Mr. Whittleback recovered from 
this attack, when Mrs. Diggin came pushing 
her way through the crowd right up to him. 
She had just finished delivering a temperance 
lecture in the Exhibition Building, and now de- 
manded in very peremptory tones that he stop 
the sale of whiskey on the Fair Grounds. 

That whiskey was being sold on the Fair 
Grounds was shown by the fact that Mrs. Dig- 
gin had no sooner made her demand than up 
came Alderman Whitfield Satterley in that con- 
dition which is commonly designated as " feeling 
good." 

"You ran away from me, didn't you?" he 
exclaimed, addressing Mr. Whittleback. " But 



2o6 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

I found you out, Honorable, didn't I? And 
this lady here,'' he continued, turning to Mrs. 
Diggin and holding out his hand, which she did 
not take — " I'm not an Honorable, Madam," 
he explained, still holding out his hand, " but I'm 
one of the plain people and " — after a pause, 
with a great deal of emphasis — ^' free-and-in- 
dependent! Glad to meet you. Madam," he 
continued, after Mrs. Diggin had at last con- 
sented to shake hands with him; " let me intro- 
duce you to the Honorable." 

' " There, sir," interposed Mrs. Diggin, ad- 
dressing Mr. Whittleback, "look at him!" 
Mr. Satterley presented a sorry spectacle, be- 
ing rather unsteady on his legs. *' You now 
have positive evidence, sir, that what I have 
said is true, and it's a disgrace to the coun- 
try!" 

" You don't meantersay, do you. Madam, 
nor the Honorable here, that I ain't free-and- 
independent! We're all free-and-independent. 
Three cheers for liberty and freedom ! " Mr. 
Satterley threw up his hands, but quickly 
brought them down again, for this sudden 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 207 

movement had nearly thrown him to the 
ground. 

By this time a large crowd had begun to 
collect around the actors in this scene — for it 
possessed the advantage of being a free exhibi- 
tion — and Mr. Scouten and Mr. Whittleback 
beat a hasty retreat, leaving Mr. Satterley hold- 
ing forth to the crowd on freedom and Inde- 
pendence, much to everybody's amusement but 
very little to their edification. Before he had 
concluded, Mrs. Diggin began to deliver her 
lecture on " The Practical Effects of Whiskey 
on the Human Organism," which had the un- 
fortunate effect of causing the crowd to depart 
hastily, leaving both speakers, much to the dis- 
gust of each, without an audience. 

While Mr. Whittleback was holding his 
court, Mr. Dusenbury and Captain Berwick 
made a tour of the Fair Grounds in the interest 
of the Captain's invention. Mr. Dusenbury 
conducted his guest to the different booths where 
several ingenious Yankees were exhibiting their 
inventions. One sold a horse medicine guar- 



208 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

anteed to put enough life into any horse, no 
matter how far gone, to enable the owner to 
sell him to another party, which medicine would 
be sold exclusively in Poquogg County at the 
ridiculously low price of one dollar per bottle. 
Another was happy to be able to give them the 
opportunity of buying very remarkable eye- 
glasses that would enable a person to see as well 
in the night as in the day, and of which thou- 
sands of pairs were being sold daily all over the 
country, simply because the people knew a good 
thing when they saw it. There had been many 
inventions for milking cows, a third declared 
to the crowd which surrounded him, but they 
had never been successful because they had 
gone on the wrong principle. He held up be- 
fore them the only real practical cow milker 
that had ever been invented. Thousands of 
dollars had been spent to perfect it. It was a 
small instrument, to be sure, but it worked by 
suction and was the greatest invention of the 
age; only seventy-five cents. "Think of it, 
gentlemen, only seventy-five cents." Another 
of these inventive geniuses held up a small hot- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 209 

tie In sight of his audience and demanded to 
know why the brush grew on their farms. 
Simply because they did not use what was in 
that bottle. Brown's Brush Exterminator, if 
sprinkled over the brush stumps, would prevent 
the brush from ever growing up again. " Right 
this way, gentlemen, save hundreds of dollars. 
Brown's Brush Exterminator will do the busi- 
ness, only forty-nine cents a bottle." Some of 
the people did step up, but others did not step 
up, and some took it as a good joke, but Captain 
Berwick was much encouraged and every min- 
ute became more firmly convinced that all he 
needed to do was to place his invention before 
the Public and it would be a great success. 
Having come to this conclusion, which he at 
once communicated to Mr. Dusenbury, they set 
out to find the rest of their party, from whom 
they had now been separated for some time. 
They were soon met by a stranger who intro- 
duced himself to Mr. Dusenbury as Prof. 
Muggsgrave, a brother scientist. The Pro- 
fessor had long been engaged in an elaborate 
speculation on how long it would take the world 



210 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

to go back to its primeval state if all its inhabi- 
tants should suddenly be swept out of existence. 
He had embodied his conclusions on this inter- 
esting subject in an exhaustive manuscript, 
which would undoubtedly have brought him 
world-wide fame, if he had not had the singu- 
lar misfortune of never getting it pubhshed. 
Mr. Dusenbury and the Professor immediately 
fell into a profound discussion of the latter's 
work, and their acquaintance was fast ripening 
into friendship, — much to Captain Berwick's 
mortification, — when the Professor took the 
unfortunate step of avowing himself a believer 
in axioms, whereupon Mr. Dusenbury burst 
into a great rage and immediately left him in 
high dudgeon, at the same time declaring that 
any man who believed in axioms was unfit to 
be a devotee of Science, and that the Professor 
furnished a striking proof of the doctrine of 
nemo sine insanitate quadam. 

A man who had been an interested listener 
to this discussion now stepped up and said he 
saw they were scientific gentlemen; that being 
the case, he would like to show them something 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY an 

he had just seen which he considered very re- 
markable; would they object? Mr. Dusen- 
bury would not object if it was to be of service 
to a scientific man. The stranger then led 
them to a small crowd which had gathered 
about a man who was shuffling cards. " This 
man does something I don't understand," the 
stranger continued; " I should like to have you 
explain it." The man with the cards inquired 
which of the gentlemen would take a chance. 
The stranger said he would. It cost a dollar. 
The stranger laid down a dollar. The man 
then displayed three cards marked i, 2 and 3. 
*' Which card do you choose, sir? " " Number 
3." '* All right, sir. Gentlemen, watch me," 
and he proceeded to pass the cards through his 
hands very slowly. " Watch card Number 3." 
All kept their eyes fixed on card Number 3. 
Suddenly the man stopped and asked the 
stranger to pick out card Number 3. He did 
so. It was Number 4. 

" A very strange thing," exclaimed Mr. 
Dusenbury, putting on his spectacles and look- 
ing at the cards, that were now handed to him. 



212 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

*' Want to try it yourself?*' suggested the 
owner of the cards. Yes, Mr. Dusenbury 
would try It. He could not try It without put- 
ting down his dollar, though. Well, Mr. 
Dusenbury would put down his dollar. What 
card would he choose? Mr. Dusenbury chose 
Number 2. The man told him to watch Num- 
ber 2 carefully, while he shuffled the cards 
slowly through his hands. Suddenly he stopped 
and asked Mr. Dusenbury to pick out Number 
2. If he picked out Number 2 he should have 
his dollar back and another dollar also. If he 
did not, he lost his dollar. Mr. Dusenbury 
picked out the card he had been following all 
the while — it was Number i . 

" A very strange thing, Mr. Berwick,'* he ex- 
claimed, to which the Captain readily agreed, 
whereupon the man with the cards asked the 
Captain If he did not wish to try his luck. 
The Captain did, but he objected to putting 
down the dollar. It being clearly a case where 
a question of Science was Involved, Mr. Dusen- 
bury put down the dollar and the Captain 
picked out card Number i. They all followed 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 213 

it closely with their eyes as the man passed 
the cards through his hands again, but when he 
stopped and the Captain was requested to 
pick it out, instead of being Number i it was 
Number 2. 

" I declare that is a very strange thing, Mr. 
Berwick," repeated Mr. Dusenbury. 

Captain Berwick suggested tricks. 

" That's what some scientists would call a 
phenomenon, sir," remarked Mr. Dusenbury. 
'' A lot of ill-begotten scientists, when they're 
too lazy to prove a thing, will call it a phe- 
nomenon, sir," and he was about to explain his 
invariable rule of always demonstrating a prop- 
osition when their attention was attracted to 
another quarter. 

Everybody is shouting and running toward 
the speakers' platform. It is in front of the 
Grand Stand. There arc some distinguished 
men upon it. They are the representatives of 
the Public. The Hon. John L. Whodd repre- 
sents the Public in the Assembly. Jerome 
Alexander Tubbmann stands for the dignity of 



214 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the Bar. The Hon. Henrick Scouten repre- 
sents the Republican Organization of Poquogg 
County, which has arrayed itself so magnifi- 
cently against the enemies of liberty. The 
Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, the greatest of 
them all, represents the Reform Movement, 
not only in Poquogg County, but throughout 
the country. What a distinction it is to be 
upon this platform! How mothers hold up 
their children to see the " Honorables '* and 
hope that when the children grow up they will 
get as high in the world. 

Mr. Scouten comes to the front of the plat- 
form, the band stops playing, and everybody 
shouts and cheers. Mr. Scouten says he is 
glad to be present. He is also glad to see 
them all so prosperous. There was a time 
when they were not so prosperous. Who had 
charge of the government at that time? The 
Democratic Party. The Public, disgusted with 
the Democratic Party, wisely put the Republi- 
can Party in power, and what was the result? 
Good times, prosperity, plenty of money. 

" Are you going to keep the Republican 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY aij 

Party in power and have these good times con- 
tinue, gentlemen? Or are you going to put the 
Democratic Party in and let the country go to 
the dogs? " 

Cries of, " No, not a bit of it! " 

*' I don't believe you are. I have confidence 
in the people. I believe that when election 
comes this fall you are going to the polls and 
you are going to say: Prosperity and the Re- 
publican Party." 

Great applause. 

" But I did not come here to make a political 
speech," Mr. Scouten continues, '' I came here 
to rejoice at your prosperity as shown by your 
splendid exhibits. So I am going to present to 
you one who needs no introduction, for you all 
know him and love him, the Hon. John L. 
Whodd, your representative in the Assembly." 

The Hon. Mr. Whodd, by spending most of 
his time at the Capital, and by giving evidence 
of great good fellowship when in Poquogg 
County, as well as by the lavish distribution of 
passes, has become a very popular representa- 
tive and has won the reputation of being an 



2i6 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

able statesman. He is greeted with vociferous 
applause as he comes to the front of the plat- 
form and bows and smiles at everybody. 

" Ladies and gentlemen," began the Hon. 
Mr. WHiodd, " I have had one of the best times 
to-day I ever had in my life." Great ap- 
plause. " Yes, my friends, there's nothing like 
getting back home among your own people. 
And I want to say right here that we have got 
the best county in the world. Everything here 
is the best. You have the best horses and the 
best cows, you have the best cider and the best 
potatoes, and so I say Fm glad to come back to 
old Poquogg county." Laughter and ap- 
plause. " And right here I want to say a word 
about your politics and your politicians. I 
know a whole lot of politicians, and I 
say the best politicians on earth are produced 
right here in our county." Great applause. 
" And the best part of it is you're all Repub- 
licans." 

Here some enthusiastic Republicans jumped 
to their feet, waved their hands and shouted, 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 217 

*' Hurrah for Whodd! " " Three cheers for 
Whodd! " until they were hoarse. 

" Now my friends," the Hon. Mr. Whodd 
continued, " we're going to have an election 
this fall; and I want to ask you why you 
should support the Republican Party. You 
young ladies and gentlemen " — smiling at the 
younger element in the audience — " you're the 
best looking people on earth." Laughter and 
applause. " And you're good looking because 
your fathers and mothers were good looking 
before you." More applause. " Why, ladies," 
the Hon. Mr. Whodd continued, '* I'm good 
looking myself!" Cries of, ''Good, Good," 
from the women, while the men nodded their 
heads and observed that Whodd was at his 
best. " But all the people of this State, mv 
friends, are not as good looking as you are. 
So one of my personal friends, the representa- 
tive from our adjoining District — and a good 
Republican ! " — cries of *' Bully for him ! " — 
*' introduced a Bill at the last session which au- 
thorized the appointment of a Commission to 
inquire into the reason why there aren't more 



218 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

good looking people in this State in proportion 
to the population. A Republican Legislature 
passed that Bill and appropriated $25,000 for 
the use of that Commission; the Hon. Silas 
Grabb is its chairman, and that Commission 
will report ways and means to the next Legis- 
lature to remedy this unfortunate condition. 
And I say that the Republican Party by this act 
alone has shown itself vitally interested in the 
welfare of the people of this State and deserves 
your support at the polls." Great applause. 

" There is another matter to which I want to 
call your attention," the Hon. Mr. Whodd 
continued. " In some sections of the State 
unscrupulous politicians were usurping the 
rights of the people and were putting into office 
incompetent men. And they were keeping 
tnem in. A bad condition to exist in a free 
S ate. But ther^ is a man among you who has 
t j courage and the genius of a true statesman. 

I came to the Capital with a Bill giving the 
people the right to vote any office holder out 
of office as soon as it is apparent he is unfit 
for any reason longer to continue in office. One 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 219 

of the greatest pieces of legislation proposed in 
recent years. I was Chairman of the Commit- 
tee to which that Bill was referred. We re- 
ported it favorably, but it was beaten on the 
floor of the House." Hisses and cries of 
*^ Shame." '' You know the man to whom I 
refer. He is the Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, 
Poquogg County's latest contribution to the 
great men of the State — and a good Republi- 
can!" Tremendous applause. "This year 
he is to run for the Assembly, and a vote for 
him means a vote for Reform and for an able, 
honest man." More applause. *' And if you 
will send me to the Senate I will do all in my 
power to help along the good work." Ap- 
plause and cries of, " We will, we will." 

The Hon. Mr. Whodd, having now ex- 
hausted his arguments in favor of his Party, 
declared himself to be one of the plain people 
and opposed to the railroads and all corpora- 
tions and promised to fight them to the last 
ditch in their attacks upon the Public. He then 
congratulated the Republicans present upon 
their leader, Mr. Scouten, predicted Republi- 



220 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

can success at the polls in November, and 
finished by leading the crowd in giving three 
mighty cheers for Mr. Whittleback. 

The applause was so loud and so many ad- 
mirers were shouting Mr. Whittleback's name 
and demanding a speech that Mr. Scouten 
could not make a speech in introducing him, so 
he simply escorted him to the front of the 
platform and left him to face the crowd alone. 

" Great men are modest," says the proverb. 
Mr. Whittleback's modesty on this occasion 
took the form of extreme nervousness. There 
were a thousand yelling, cheering, admiring 
men and women before him, who expected great 
things of him in the way of a speech. For- 
tunately, the demonstration kept up so long that 
when It had subsided Mr. Whittleback had re- 
gained his composure sufficiently to begin speak- 
ing. 

" My friends," he exclaimed, " I stand for 
principles." Applause. " A great many peo- 
ple say the clothes a man wears show what kind 
of a man he is." Cries of, " That's right." 
" It may be right; but I say a man's principles 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 221 

show what he is a good deal more than his 
clothes do." Another outburst of applause. 
'' But because I represent principles isn't to say 
that I can't represent people." Cries of, 
" That's right." " It doesn't say that I can't 
represent you people. I will represent you 
people." Great applause and cries of, " We 
know you will." " You've heard me spoken 
of, perhaps, as a politician. I'm not a politi- 
cian, my friends, I'm a Reformer." More 
applause. " The way I size up some of these 
politicians is this way : They're in the Public's 
service for what they can get out of it. A 
Reformer is a man who believes he ought to 
be as honest with the Public's business as he is 
with his own." Tremendous applause. " You 
usually need a Reformer wherever there's a 
politician." Laughter and applause. " I be- 
lieve public office is a contract between the peo- 
ple and the men they elect; and whenever any 
office holders do not serve the people, the peo- 
ple should have the right to vote them out of 
office and vote them out at once at a special 
election called for that purpose. But they 



222 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

can't do that now. We went to the Capital 
last spring with a Bill which gave the people 
of every municipality and township in this State 
the right to do this very thing. That Bill was 
not passed. I will not tell you why it was not 
passed, but I will tell you who was against it: 
Every political scalawag who is afraid of the 
people, every office holder who is holding pub- 
lic office for what he can get out of it. When 
those people are against a Bill," Mr. Whittle- 
back exclaimed, " it shows it's a pretty good 
Bill." Another outburst of applause by the au- 
dience, and those on the platform nodded their 
heads to one another and remarked they hadn't 
thought it was In him. " If employers of 
labor will not protect their workmen," con- 
tinued Mr. Whittleback, " I say make them do 
it. If these corporations you give franchises 
to don't do their duty and serve you, I say 
make them do it, or take their franchises away 
from them. We don't give them franchises to 
pay big dividends but to serve us. And why 
shouldn't you have a right to terminate your 
contract with any office holder who breaks his 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 223 

contract and doesn't do his duty and doesn't 
represent you? " Mr. Whittleback shouted, 
warming up to his subject. " Shouldn't the 
people have that right in a free country? " 

This proved to be a happy thrust. Such a 
demonstration Mr. Whittleback had never 
before seen in all his life. The audience jumped 
to their feet and shouted and waved their hands 
and cried: "What's the matter with Whittle- 
back?" and answered: "He's all right." 
Rival admirers vied with one another in seeing 
who could shout his name loudest. Flags and 
handkerchiefs were waved and men threw their 
hats in the air without realizing what they were 
doing. Here was the man about whom they 
had heard so much, a man who was not afraid 
to fight the people's cause; here he was before 
them telling them what he believed and what 
he had tried to do. He was right. His Bill 
was a good one. He was a hero. They would 
hardly let him finish his speech. He told them 
to keep up the fight, that it was their fight, and 
that every honest citizen should get into it. He 
told them he would introduce the Bill at the 



224 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

next session if they would send him to the As- 
sembly, and then they began another demon- 
stration. Just how the speech ended Mr. 
Whittleback could never remember. He tried 
to thank them for their generous expressions 
of approval, but no one heard him. It was the 
greatest ovation any speaker had ever before 
received in Poquogg County. 

The Public having been sufficiently informed 
of what was being done for its benefit by its 
servants, some exhibitions were given for its 
amusement. A very tall man with a very large 
head proceeded to walk across a wire suspended 
from two poles at an unsafe distance from the 
ground, which feat having been accomplished, 
he made a bed upon the wire and went to sleep, 
and upon waking and acting as though he had 
slept a long, long time, he became so happy 
that he danced a jig and sang a comic song. 
A man with five small dogs did his part toward 
amusing the crowd by making the dogs run up 
a ladder and drop into a bag, dance, wrestle 
and jump over sticks. Then a little man piled 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 225 

chairs upon his chin and suspended weights 
from it and balanced brooms upright on it. 

Mr. Whittleback was deprived of the pleas- 
ure of watching these performances, for no 
sooner was the speech making over than all 
those who had been introduced to him and many 
others rushed up to him, shook hands with him 
and congratulated him upon his speech; and 
the newcomers told him their troubles and 
what good Republicans they had been, that they 
had never gotten anything, and asked him to 
make an exception in their case and put them in 
positions where they would get good salaries 
with not much to do. 

The day was drawing to a close. It would 
soon be time for the balloon ascension, and 
Captain Berwick was making no progress with 
the advertisement of his invention. There 
seemed to be no opportunity to secure the atten- 
tion of the crowd. So he consulted Mr. Dusen- 
bury. Mr. Dusenbury disappeared suddenly 
and returned in a few minutes with an empty 
box which he placed on the ground and ex- 



226 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

claimed: "There, Mr. Berwick, let's get on 
this." Mr. Dusenbury and the Captain as- 
cended the box. " My friends," Mr. Dusen- 
bury shouted, " listen. This gentleman beside 
me is my friend from England; a scientist — " 

" And a friend of the Royal Society," 
whispered the Captain. 

" And a Friend of the Royal Society," Mr. 
Dusenbury continued. " He's got something to 
say to you. Listen a minute." 

Cries of, " Listen to the Englishman," came 
from the crowd, and, " He's a Scientist, ha, 
ha ! " 

Captain Berwick then proceeded with his 
speech. Whether because of nervousness or 
weariness he spoke in such low tones that only 
those standing very near the box could hear 
him. An obtrusive youth, who smoked a very 
large cigar and wore his hat on the side of his 
head, took upon himself the office of repeating 
the speech to the rest of the crowd. This did 
not at all tend to allay the Captain's embar- 
rassment. 

" His name's Berwick," said the Repeater. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 227 

" Comes from England. Heard a lot about 
how much we smoke. Says tobacco poisons 
people who smoke it. Thought he'd invent 
something to put on cigars and pipes to keep 
the poison from going into our mouths." 
Laughter. *' Draws the smoke through a 
screen that absorbs the poison. A kind 
of smoke strainer." Everybody wondered 
whether the Captain was in earnest, but finally 
concluded he was. Increased laughter and nod- 
ding of heads. " There it is," continued the 
Repeater, as the Captain held up what looked 
like a cigar holder to the gaze of the crowd, 
and fastened it to a cigar, " the Harmless 
Smoker. Twenty-five cents." 

" Pass it around and let's see it," suggested 
the Repeater. With this request the Captain 
readily complied. " No fun in smoking a cigar 
with a thing like that on it," contemptuously 
declared the Repeater, passing it on among the 
crowd. "Twenty-five cents for that?" ex- 
claimed another man. " I'll bet a cigar wouldn't 
draw through it any way." " Nothing but a 
common cigar holder," remarked another, judg- 



228 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

ing from the outside appearance only, and not 
examining the Harmless Smoker's interior. 
*' He might have been better set to work," was 
the verdict of a fourth, and so on until it reached 
a tall, swarthy countryman standing at the edge 
of the crowd, who calmly put it in his pocket 
and started off with it. Captain Berwick im- 
mediately set out in hot pursuit, but was much 
impeded by running into fat women and stumb- 
ling over children and running against men who 
were unsteady on their legs, and was in fact 
stopped short several times by challenges to 
personal combat, so that he was at last com- 
pelled to give up the chase and return to Mr. 
Dusenbury. As the matter had now entered 
the domain of the law, Mr. Dusenbury advised 
a consultation with Mr. Tubbmann. They 
found that distinguished member of the Bar 
standing on the front steps of the Grand Stand. 

" Pull out another one and show 'em that," 
said Mr. Tubbmann, after Mr. Dusenbury had 
stated the case. 

" He hasn't got another one," replied Mr. 
Dusenbury. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 229 

" Came all the way over from England and 
brought only one with him? " 

Such was indeed the fact. 

" Well, go back and get another one, then. 
We have a Fair here every year." 

The last great event of this great day was the 
balloon ascension. The balloon had been on 
exhibition all day in the open space between the 
tracks. It had been much admired by the crowd, 
but when the man in charge announced that the 
ascension would take place, no one volunteered 
to accompany him. At length, Mr. Dusenbury, 
who had read somewhere about the effect of 
higher altitudes on animal life, came forward 
and announced that he would volunteer. Will- 
ing hands helped him into the basket and all 
was in readiness when Mr. Dusenbury declared 
that he must have some animal to take up with 
him, for he was going up in the interests of 
Science and a cat or a dog must be taken along 
to witness the effect of the higher altitude upon 
it. Captain Berwick suggested a cat as taking 
up less room and Mr. Dusenbury said a cat 



230 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

would do. After some delay the prize cat was 
brought and deposited In Mr. Dusenbury's 
arms, the balloon's fastenings were released 
and It shot upward amid shouts of applause, 
Mr. Dusenbury holding on to the cat with one 
hand and to the basket with the other. 

The most noticeable effect of the Increased 
altitude on the cat was to cause that animal to 
bite and scratch with great vigor, while Mr. 
Dusenbury held on with the tenacity of a 
martyr, knowing the importance of the experi- 
ment, but before the balloon had ascended fifty 
yards the cat proved too much for him, and he 
was fain to let go his hold, with the result that 
the cat sprang out of the basket and came down 
In the midst of the crowd below, striking upon 
the head of Alderman Satterley, who happened 
to come up at the opportune moment. Being In 
no condition to comprehend this phenomenon, 
that gentleman spent the rest of the day In trying 
to find out what it was, in which effort, however, 
he had very indifferent success. 

*' Better stand back, gentlemen," remarked 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 231 

Mr. Tubbmann, " he'll be coming down him- 
self next." 

As this seemed not at all improbable, the 
crowd made haste to stand back, notwithstand- 
ing the suggestion of the Repeater (who had 
by this time started on another cigar) that they 
would be of service in breaking Mr. Dusen- 
bury's fall. 

It soon became evident that there was some 
possibility at least of Mr. Tubbmann's prophecy 
being fulfilled, for the rope that held the bal- 
loon and limited the height of its ascent gave 
way. Great excitement prevailed. Women 
screamed and declared Mr. Dusenbury would 
be killed and the men gravely nodded their 
heads and recalled that they had predicted 
something of the sort would happen. The chil- 
dren laughed and clapped their hands, for 
which their parents, partly for their correction 
and partly to relieve their own feelings, soundly 
whipped them. In the height of the excite- 
ment some one discovered that the balloon was 
descending. Down it came, and the farther 



232 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

down it came the higher Mr. Dusenbury's 
spirits rose, until, when objects assumed their 
accustomed size, he began to wonder whether 
the cat's actions were due to the higher altitude 
or the natural timidity of its race. As soon as 
the crowd saw Mr. Dusenbury was safe, they 
took no further interest in him, but immediately 
began to make preparations for going home. 
They followed Mr. Whittleback and his com- 
panions to the entrance gate, loudly demanded 
what was the matter with him, as loudly an- 
swered that he was all right, gave three hearty 
cheers for him, and while this demonstration 
was going on, the horses started, the hero was 
borne away smiling and bowing, and " Whittle- 
back Day " was over. 



CHAPTER XXIV 

MR. WHITTLEBACK was now at the 
pinnacle of his fame. Unlike the good 
knights of the olden time, who, after they had 
laid siege to the hearts of their fair ladies, 
found their labors ended when the fair ones 
had capitulated, Mr. Whittleback discovered 
that after siege had been laid to the heart of 
the Public and the Public had capitulated his 
labors had only begun. His time was now 
taken up with listening to all sorts of complaints 
from all sorts of people. The representatives 
of several women's Societies, who took upon 
themselves the duty of looking after the Pub- 
lic's morals, were very anxious to know whether 
he smoked or drank anything and whether he 
attended church regularly; and such was their 
persistency that Mr. Whittleback was obliged 
to attend church on several occasions in order 
to appease them. Men for whom the Public 
had never done anything took the liberty of ask- 

233 



234 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

ing him — as the representative of the Public 
— to help them with a little money. Men who 
had always helped the Public by voting the Re- 
publican ticket asked him, as the Public's repre- 
sentative, to reciprocate and give them passes 
on the railroad. A Reformer surely could not 
refuse to help the cause of humanity. Would 
he kindly contribute, therefore, to the Society 
for the Care of Worn-out Peddlers, to the As- 
sociation to Promote the Revival of Literary 
Taste in Asia, and to the Society for the Ex- 
termination of Potato Bugs ? 

The Public now adopted a unique method of 
honoring its distinguished servant, for great 
numbers of fond parents began to name their 
male offspring after him, and to such an extent 
was this carried, that as hundreds of little Na- 
thaniel Whittlebacks appeared in all parts of 
the country, Mr. Whittleback began to believe 
that even if his work as a Reformer should ever 
be forgotten — may the Spirit of Liberty save 
us from such a catastrophe ! — his name and 
memory would still be preserved to posterity 
by these living memorials. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 235 

The Reform Movement was making rapid 
progress. Mr. Whittleback's fight to restore 
representative government in his own State and 
his new ideal of public service were becoming 
known throughout America. The press spread 
far and wide the news of a new light that had 
arisen upon the political horizon, a man who, 
living in a country town of a rural county, had 
pointed out a way by which the people could win 
from the political bosses their lost power, who 
believed that every corporation the public 
created existed, not to pay big dividends, but to 
serve the people, and that if public servants did 
not do their duty they should be voted out of 
office at once. The hardy farmers of New 
England read with burning indignation of the 
tyranny of the political leaders and the treason 
of legislators. The new Ideals of public serv- 
ice spread among the people of the Middle 
States, and on to the great West, whose citizens 
were to have such a conspicuous part in The Sec- 
ond American Conflict. Men who had found 
their homes upon the prairies shut their doors 
against the cold winds that blew across the 



236 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

plains, and surrounded by their families, took 
their seats before the blazing fires on wintry 
nights and read of the plan to free the People 
from the domination of the Bosses. Up among 
the lumber camps in the great forests, where 
the papers went but on rare occasions, Mr. 
Whittleback's portraits, sometimes much dis- 
figured by dirt and rough usage, were eagerly 
scanned by hardy lumbermen, who spelled out 
the articles on Reform and the way to restore 
representative government. And the men who 
lived on the Pacific coast, descendants of the 
pioneers of early days, read with eagerness of 
the fight a man in the East had made against 
the tyranny of the political bosses, and of his 
new creed for the citizen, and longed to get into 
the fight with him. 

Thus were the seeds of reform sown in 
honest soil, and thus did the new political ideals 
get into the minds of the masses, needing only 
time and opportunity to be translated into deeds. 



CHAPTER XXV 

44T)0LITICAL parties are business or- 
A ganizations. Their dividends are of- 
fices." 

The speaker was Mr. Scouten. He and Mr. 
Whittleback were holding a private audience in 
the Post Office. The primaries for the As- 
sembly Convention were to be held in a week 
and Mr. Scouten had been telling his distin- 
guished friend how necessary it was that none 
but " Organization " men be elected as dele- 
gates. As there was considerable expense at- 
tached to holding the primaries and the succeed- 
ing convention, and as Mr. Whittleback was to 
be nominated at that convention for Member 
of Assembly, it was necessary, according to the 
rules of The Organization, that he then and 
there pledge his contribution for the fall cam- 
paign. " For Politics," said Mr. Scouten, " be- 
ing a business proposition, a man should not 

237 



238 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

expect to get something without paying for it, 
any more than he would in any other business." 

" Do you mean that I must promise now to 
contribute to the expense of the election this 
fall? " inquired Mr. Whittleback. 

" That has been the rule of The Organiza- 
tion in this county for many years. That 
pledge must be made before the primaries." 

" Suppose I don't promise? " ' 

" You won't be nominated." 

" Suppose I promise and don't pay? " 

" Then we'll defeat you." 

*' How much must I pledge? " 

" The amount the candidate for Member of 
Assembly has always been assessed is one thou- 
sand dollars." 

*' Well I'll be blessed I " exclaimed Mr. Whit- 
tleback, in bewilderment. " The salary is only 
fifteen hundred dollars." 

'' True," replied Mr. Scouten with compla- 
cency, " but don't forget what I said a moment 
ago : Political parties are business organizations. 
You won't lose anything. Goodfellow saw you 
at the Capital, didn't he? " 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 239 

"Yes/' replied Mr. Whlttleback, "Good- 
fellow told me the corporations and the rail- 
roads would make a contribution of three 
thousand dollars to my campaign fund. I told 
him I didn't want it and wouldn't take it." 

"Well, that stumps me!" exclaimed Mr. 
Scouten, who was never so thunderstruck in all 
his political experience. 

" What business have they got to pay me 
three thousand dollars? " interposed Mr. Whit- 
tleback. " If I took that money they would 
expect me to represent them. I'm going to the 
Legislature to represent the people, or I'm not 
going. There are enough legislators at the 
Capital now who are representing everybody 
else but the people." 

" Yes," assented Mr. Scouten, who could not 
fail to recognize the truth of this remark, " but 
listen: No sooner will you be nominated than 
the people will be after you for money and 
passes and positions, and when you get to the 
Capital they'll come there and live on you at 
your hotel, and you'll have to feed 'em and 
treat 'em and take 'em around. Why, it costs 



240 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Whodd a couple of thousand a year for this 
sort of thing alone. Hasn't he got to get it 
back? The people expect him to get it back 
and they don't care how. It will cost Whodd 
five thousand dollars to be elected to the Senate 
this fall." 

" Who supplies that money? " 

" The railroads and other business corpora- 
tions that want to get laws passed." 

"And who gets the money?" 

"Well," laughed Mr. Scouten, "The Or- 
ganization gets a good share. We aren't run- 
ning Parties for our health, Mr. Whittleback. 
Don't forget that political parties are business 
organizations. At election time we pay divi- 
dends to the preferred stockholders." 

"And is this true all over the country?" 
asked Mr. Whittleback with open-mouthed 
wonder. 

" Yes." 

" And with the Democrats as well as the 
Republicans?" 

" Yes, they have the same system." 

" Where do the people come in? " 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 241 

" The people I Half of 'em won't vote un- 
less they're paid. A third of 'em won't vote 
at all. They've got as good an administration 
of the government as they deserve. There's 
no reason why the men who run the Public's 
affairs and submit to the Public's annoyance and 
criticism and abuse shouldn't be paid for it. 
What have you got out of public life so far, Mr. 
Whittleback? Some praise, to be sure, but more 
criticism and annoyance. It has cost you money 
and taken your time. The people would for- 
get it all to-morrow; but The Organization 
never forgets. We take care of our own. We 
don't let the Public be unfair. We recompense. 
If the Public defeats our candidate, we give 
him an appointive office. Take my advice, 
Mr. Whittleback: Never forsake The Organi- 
zation for the people." 

'' What I can't understand," Mr. Whittleback 
interposed with earnestness, '' is why the people 
will let a few men have control of their affairs.'* 

" It's because they don't think. As long as 
everything goes all right and times are good, 
the people don't stop to think about Politics 



242 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

and how we get our money or why we can afford 
to spend so much to elect our candidates. They 
don't realize they're footing all the bills." 

Here was Mr. Whittleback, capable -and hon- 
est, willing and anxious to serve the Public, and 
yet he could not do so without paying a group 
of politicians one thousand dollars for the 
privilege of being nominated. 

Perhaps Mr. Scouten divined something of 
what was In his mind, for he went to a govern- 
ment safe standing in one corner of the room 
and taking out a large book handed It to him. 

"There, Mr. Whittleback, look at that. 
Here's one thing we do. Suppose you turn to 
page seventy-five; what do you find there? " 

" A long list of names." 

" Read the first name at the top of the page." 

" * Soper, Andrew. Town of Marshall. 
Democrat by heredity. Son of Big Jim Soper. 
Votes as paid. Price $3.' " 

" Suppose you come over to the B's, Mr. 
Whittleback." 

" * Barnham,' " replied Mr. Whittleback, 
beginning at the top of the page, " ' William. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 243 

Gilead. Employed by Railroad. Republican. 
Votes as Railroad tells him.' " 

"Now take the L's, Mr. Whittleback, 
page sixty." 

" * Leman, Jake. Farmer. Town of Mut- 
ton Hollow. Democrat when sober, Republi- 
can when drunk. Looked after on election day 
by Lieutenant Sandbag.' " 

" Exactly," said Mr. Scouten, when Mr. 
Whittleback had finished with Mr. Leman. 
" This book contains the names of every voter 
in Poquogg County. Talk about the church 
having an organization ! Why, they don't com- 
pare with us for organizing and finding out 
things and keeping in touch with men, for we 
have lieutenants in every district, and the 
United States is divided into thousands of dis- 
tricts, and in every district there is just such a 
book as this. We know just what every man's 
politics is and what his price is and everything 
about how to reach him. We get voters posi- 
tions, we help them when they are sick, we 
clothe their families if necessary, give them 
offices and honors, and in return they vote our 



244 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

ticket. But it takes money to do all that, Mr. 
Whittleback.'* 

" I'll be blessed If I shouldn't think it would, 
Mr. Scouten." 

" A man In Politics, Mr. Whittleback, has 
the alternative of spending money or getting 
out." 

Mr. Whittleback's personal inclination was to 
get out then and there, but his desire to serve 
the people was strong within him still. Al- 
though he had seen something of political life, 
that which Mr. Scouten had just said was a 
revelation to him. Could it be true? Mr. 
Scouten seemed to be very sure about it. If it 
were true, Mr. Whittleback felt that it was 
wrong; his whole nature rebelled against such 
a condition In a free country. He had a great 
longing to change it all, to free the Public from 
the domination of the political Bosses and to 
restore to the people that representative gov- 
ernment about which Mr. Tubbmann had 
spoken so eloquently and which he declared 
mankind had earned by long years of suffering 
for liberty. He would go on if it cost him ten 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 24s 

times one thousand dollars, for he could do 
nothing for the Public by stopping now. So he 
pledged the one thousand dollars to the 
Poquogg County Republican Organization, 
but his indignation was so great that he could 
not refrain from saying: 

" But some day, Mr. Scouten, a change will 
come; men will go into public life with the hope 
only of serving the people; their service to the 
Public will be their only title to fame; those 
men will drive the corporation agents from 
Politics and their lobbyists from the Capitals, 
and representative government will be re- 
stored! " 

'' Perhaps," laughed Mr. Scouten; *' but that 
is a long way off, Mr. Whittleback, and we are 
living in the present." 



CHAPTER XXVI 

A MILE or so from Sky View, on a broad 
plateau which commanded miles and 
miles of the surrounding country, stood Fair- 
field Mansion House. It was one of many 
similar mansions which had been erected in that 
fashionable locality where men of great wealth 
had laid out large tracts of land in great estates, 
with lakes and parks, and, emulating the barons 
of feudal times, had even built magnificent 
castles upon the mountain peaks. The owner 
of the Fairfield Mansion was Dudley Fairfield, 
a young man of eight and twenty, who was one 
of the " Class." He belonged to the aristoc- 
racy. The elder Fairfield, since deceased, had 
made his fortune by cornering flour, an act, 
which, although it resulted in great distress and 
starvation among thousands of poor families, 
gave him and his family a foremost place in the 
ranks of the aristocratic circle. He then pur- 
chased a tract of land on the outskirts of Sky 

246 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 247 

View and devoted his last years to laying out 
his estate. To him belonged the distinction of 
making a crusade among the rich to establish 
the custom of inscribing the amount of one's 
wealth upon his tombstone. In this crusade, 
however, he was unsuccessful, which fact he did 
not cease to lament to his dying day. His only 
child, Dudley, had greatly enraged him and 
shocked the aristocratic circle by falling in love 
while at college with a girl of rare beauty and 
much intelligence, but who gave mortal offence 
to the '' Class " by belonging to a family in 
moderate circumstances. On this occasion, 
however, Dudley displayed resolution and de- 
termination — the only time in his life — and 
married the girl in spite of all opposition. The 
dishonor thus brought upon his family, to- 
gether with the failure of his crusade in the mat- 
ter of the tombstones, so preyed upon the elder 
Fairfield's mind that he sank into an early 
grave, but not before he had forgiven Dudley 
and appeased Society by making that young 
gentleman's inheritance less by one-third than 
it would have been had he obeyed his father. 



248 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Dudley himself evinced little liking for any 
society but that of dogs and horses, but he was 
the best hunter in all those parts, and his advice 
upon all matters of sport was much in demand. 
He was a tall, dark-complexioned youth, with a 
haughty air. He spoke a little French and a 
little German, read a little Italian, and had 
once written a love song In Latin. He was, 
however, too English in his tastes to be popu- 
lar, and was better acquainted with English 
horses and English sports than with the rise of 
the Republican Party or the causes of the Civil 
War. His horses had short tails, and he drove 
through the country in a great tally-ho, whose 
approach was heralded by the blasts from an 
English hunting horn. Of course, there were 
no titles and his family could have no coat of 
arms, but it was not his fault that he was born in 
America; so he managed to get along the best 
he could, associating only with his own Class, 
and avoiding the " common people,'' for whom 
he had little sympathy and much contempt. 

Upon the evening when our readers are 
privileged to meet him for the first time he and 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 249 

Mrs. Fairfield were sitting in the library of the 
Mansion House. Mr. Fairfield was holding 
his favorite dog, a little poodle, while Mrs. 
Fairfield was reading from " English Sports in 
the Eighteenth Century." The famous fox 
hunter. Sir Harry Radclifie, had just left his 
companions in the rear and bade fair to reach 
the fox in a short time, when a servant entered 
and announced that a gentleman was below. 

Mr. Fairfield bade the servant wait until Sir 
Harry had caught the fox, and when that feat 
was accomplished he ordered him to show the 
gentleman up. 

To the vigorous barking of the poodle the 
Hon. Henrick Scouten entered, beaming his 
blandest smile and holding out his hand for the 
hearty handshake. 

'' Let me introduce you to Mrs. Fairfield," 
said Mr. Fairfield. " My dear, this is the man 
who knows all about Politics." 

*' I am honored," said Mr. Scouten. 

" And now let me present Mr. Poofru," Mr. 
Fairfield continued, '' the greatest poodle in the 



250 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

United States, or England either. Poofru, 
say good evening." 

*' Bow, wow," said Poofru, with two haughty 
little barks. 

" Poofru, you must show the gentleman 
your tricks." 

So saying, Mr. Fairfield put Poofru upon the 
floor and tried to induce him to show the tricks, 
the first of which was to jump over his master's 
hand. The little animal's attention was too 
much occupied with Mr. Scouten, however, to 
perform any tricks. 

"You wretch!" exclaimed his master ve- 
hemently, at this evidence of insubordination. 
" Why, Scouten, I spent a whole week teaching 
him to do that, and now he won't do It. It's 
enough to drive one crazy." 

** Bow, wow," said Poofru, looking at Mr. 
Scouten as much as to say: "Who are you 
and why should I go through my motions for 
you?" 

Mr. Scouten patted Poofru on the head and 
said: "You ought to be a good doggie and 
perform for your distinguished master." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 251 

" Distinguished master," thought Mr. Fair- 
field. *' That has the right sound." 

Distinguished master thereupon addressed 
Mr. Scouten as follows: "Well, I suppose 
you've come to talk about something else than 
dogs?" 

'' Yes, Mr. Fairfield, I have," Mr. Scouten 
replied. " Your representative informed me 
you want to go to the Legislature. That is 
true, I suppose? " 

" Yes, Mr. Scouten," interposed Mrs. Fair- 
field. " Mr. Fairfield is a very active man and 
like all active men with active brains he needs 
something to keep him employed. He thinks 
going to the Legislature would help to occupy 
his mind." 

" You're what they call the Boss or Leader, 
aren't you?" Mr. Fairfield inquired lazily. 

" I'm one of the servants of the Public, Mr. 
Fairfield. You know we're all trying to serve 
the Public." 

"What do you think of that, Poofru! 
Speak to the gentleman." 

But Poofru remained silent. 



2S2 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" Speak to the gentleman, I tell you, Poofru. 
This dog will drive me crazy. He's what the 
French call a little devil. Speak, Poofru, or 
I shall whip you." 

Thus bidden, Poofru gave vent to a savage 
little '' Bow." 

"If you do want to go to the Legislature, 
Mr. Fairfield," said Mr. Scouten, " you can 

go." 

" Poofru, do you hear what the gentleman 
says? He says we can go to the Legislature." 

'' Bow," said Poofru. 

" But isn^t it dreadful," remarked Mrs. Fair- 
field, '' the way men who run for office are 
talked about in the newspapers? The things 
the papers say about them are awful. Don't 
you think so, Mr. Scouten? " 

" It's a regular occurrence, madam," replied 
Mr. Scouten. " The newspapers do it with 
everybody. No matter how good a reputation 
a man has before he runs for office, he's no 
sooner nominated than the papers of the op- 
posite Party begin to berate him." 

" Yes," exclaimed Mr. Fairfield, shaking his 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 253 

fists vigorously; "and they'll berate a man 
whether he goes into Politics or not. Didn't a 
little wretch of a reporter call here one day to 
see me and ask for an Interview and then go 
away and publish an article saying I was a 
typical rich man's son, good for nothing but 
racing horses and hunting? What would Sir 
Harry have said to fellows like him, Poofru? 
He would have said just what I say: Go to the 
devil ! " 

Having consigned the newspaper men to his 
Satanic Majesty, Mr. Fairfield patted Poofru 
on the head and announced that he was the 
greatest poodle In the United States or Eng- 
land. 

Mrs. Fairfield said she had heard there was 
another candidate for the office to which Mr. 
Fairfield aspired. 

"Yes, Scouten," said Mr. Fairfield; 
" what's his name, Back-whittle or Whittle- 
back? We've heard nothing but this man for a 
long time. Who is he, anyway? " 

" A good sort of a man, Mr. Fairfield. If 
you are ready to talk business, I shall have to 



254 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

ask that we talk without the presence of a third 
party." 

Being anxious to get back to Sir Harry and 
the hounds as soon as possible, Mr, Fairfield, 
much against his will, asked Mrs. Fairfield to 
retire. Then he rang for a servant and or- 
dered cigarettes and champagne and invited 
Mr. Scouten to join him in attacking them. 

" As I was saying about Mr. Whittleback," 
said Mr. Scouten, after each had drunk a glass 
of champagne and Mr. Fairfield had lighted a 
cigarette; "he's a good sort of man, but he's 
getting a lot of impractical notions in his head 
about corporations existing to serve the people 
and men being in Politics to serve the Public. 
A man like that isn't useful to us. We give 
the people what we want them to have. We 
turn down those we want to turn down and we 
put up those we want to put up." 

" What do you think of that, Poofru ! " 

" There is one observation I would like to 
make before we proceed further," Mr. Scouten 
continued: " Business is business." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 255 

''Ha!" said Mr. Fairfield. "So I have 
heard." 

" You want to go to the Legislature? " 

" That is what I have said, and if I haven't 
said it I will say it now. Poofru, we want to 
go to the Legislature, don't we?" 

Poofru answered " Yes " with a single bark. 

" There is but one more question for me to 
ask and for you to answer: "Are you willing 
to pay the price? " 

"Are we willing to pay the price, Poofru? 
Ha, ha! Are we willing to pay the price. 
What is the price? " 

" Five thousand dollars." 

" The devil it is. Five thousand dollars ! " 

Mr. Scouten, no longer the pretended servant 
of the Public, but the political boss, selling his 
power for gold and driving the best bargain he 
could, sat looking intently into the face of the 
young aristocrat, taking an inventory of his at- 
tainments, thinking what a figurehead he would 
be in the Legislature, and smiled cynically as he 
listened to his nervous exclamation : 



256 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" And why should you be paid five thousand 
dollars ? Who are you that I should be paying 
you five thousand dollars! If I want to go 
to the Legislature I won't ask you if I can go. 
To the devil with you and your nomina- 
tion!" 

" Fairfield! " ejaculated Mr. Scouten, hastily 
rising and bringing his clenched fist down upon 
the table. " If you want the office of Assem- 
blyman from this District you can get it In but 
one way under the sun. The people have noth- 
ing to say about the nomination. You've noth- 
ing to say about it. I'm the one and the only 
one who has the say in this matter. Who am 
I ? I'm the leader of the Republican Organiza- 
tion in Poquogg County, and neither you nor 
any other man can go to the Legislature from 
this county without coming to me! " 

Poofru, having more spirit than his distin- 
guished master, still kept up the demonstration 
he had begun as soon as Mr. Scouten rose to his 
feet, whereupon distinguished master patted 
him on the head and said: " He needn't be so 
mad about it, need he, Poofru, because we 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 257^ 

don't want to pay him so much money to go to 
the Legislature? " 

But the payment was agreed upon. Mr. 
Fairfield was to hand Mr. Scouten two thou- 
sand, five hundred dollars In cash within a week, 
and the remaining two thousand, five hundred 
dollars was to be paid In cash after the con- 
vention had nominated Mr. Fairfield for the 
Assembly. 

*' About the only real advantage I can see In 
going to the Legislature," remarked Mr. Fair- 
field, after these details had been arranged, " Is 
that a man gets the title of ' Honorable.' 
Such a nice thing to have, Scouten, a title : * The 
Hon. Dudley Fairfield ' ; they go well together, 
Scouten, very well indeed." 

'^ A very worthy distinction." 

*' That's one thing I don't like about this 
country, the fact that you have no titles here as 
they have In England. By the way, what do 
I get for this money? " 

" You get elected to the Assembly from 
Poquogg County." 

" Do you hear that, Poofru? He says we 



258 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

get elected to the Assembly. Ha, ha! An- 
other glass of champagne, sir. Drink to the 
Hon. Dudley Fairfield." 

" You will have to announce yourself as a 
candidate," observed Mr. Scouten. 

" Yes, but, Scouten, remember I don't go 
around talking and shaking hands with these 
poor devils of the voters. Do we, Poofru?" 

" Mr. Fairfield, I fear you have forgotten 
my observation that business is business." 

" He seems very fond of that observation, 
doesn't he, Poofru?" 

" It means this : If you want a thing and a 
man who knows all about it tells you what you 
must do to get it, youVe got to do as he says. 
You can't be elected to office unless you get 
down to the people and make them think you 
are one of them." 

"What do I care for the people? But if 
he says we've got to do it, Poofru, I suppose 
we have." 

" Exactly," replied Mr. Scouten. " You're 
the kind of man The Organization wants." 

*' And now I would like to make an observa- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 259 

tion," Mr. Fairfield remarked: "With all 
your talk of equality in this country" (It was 
one of Mr. Fairfield's peculiarities that he al- 
ways talked as If he were an alien) , *' it doesn't 
seem to me there Is much chance for a poor 
man in Politics." 

"No," agreed Mr. Scouten, "nor In any- 
thing else. Money's what we're running on 
now-a-days and what we're running for. I 
wouldn't say this to every one, but you know it's 
the truth." 

" Ha, ha, Scouten, you bet we know it's the 
truth. Have another glass." 

And then the buyer and the seller of the 
Public's birthright drank their champagne in 
silence. 



CHAPTER XXVII 

WE have come to a chapter of our history 
that will be read with deep concern by 
all those who love justice and the honor of our 
country. As we begin to write It, would that 
we could call to our aid some of the Muses to 
guide our pen. But as a contemporary critic 
has forever banished them from this part of 
the world, we must content ourselves with the 
plain English of our fathers. Pausing here a 
moment — for our task is nearly finished — 
we would shed a tear over the sudden ending 
of the public career of the distinguished man 
whose history we have been narrating, and 
commend him to the everlasting admiration of 
his fellow Americans. If fair damsels and 
stately matrons weep over the plight of some 
misguided lover before he is set down happy 
and at peace upon the last page of the book, 
should not we weep over the fall of this great 

man, whose fortunes we have followed from 

260 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 261 

humble beginnings until they have become in- 
timately related to the welfare of our great 
country? With what patience did he bear the 
criticisms and abuse af an ignorant Public dur- 
ing the early days of his public activity I With 
what modesty did he receive those honors a 
grateful and awakened people were at last 
proud to shower upon him in the shape of their 
praise and approval ! Did ever knight of the 
olden time show greater courage than he when 
he demanded of the legislators at the Capital 
the passage of the " Bill to Restore Representa- 
tive Government" to the people? Did ever 
the Public have a more loyal and incorruptible 
champion than he who spurned the Hon. 
Stephen Goodfellow's offer of gold for a be- 
trayal of its interests to the interests of the 
corporations? Ah, Mr. Whittleback, the peo- 
ple with whom you lived appreciated you, but 
for a brief season only, and you have gone the 
way of nearly all the truly great, enjoying 
for a short time the rewards of virtue in the 
smiles of the Public's favor, and then, through 
no fault of yours, you were humiliated, de- 



262 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

fcatcd, and forgotten! The next generation, 
learning of your life and work through this 
poor record, may perhaps do you tardy justice 
and seek to right its predecessor's wrong by put- 
ting you in the Hall of Fame. Inspired by this 
hope, we write the concluding chapters of your 
history and leave your fate as a Reformer — 
and ours as a Historian — to the mercy of the 
reader. 

Another month had passed. The primaries 
had been held. Certain free and independent 
American citizens — who were not averse to 
obeying the orders of the Poquogg County Re- 
publican Organization — had been elected dele- 
gates to hold, a convention at the County Seat 
and nominate a candidate for Member of As- 
sembly. So to Gilead they came, together with 
a number of other free and independent citizens 
who attended as spectators. There they were 
at the old familiar hotel with its old familiar 
bar and the old bartender, who knew just how to 
make one patriotic and enthusiastic in the cause 
of the Republican Party. There were the Re- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 263 

publicans from the northern end of the county, 
who talked through their noses and among 
whom the old time practice of fist fighting was 
still preserved in all its original purity. There 
were the wood choppers, who chopped wood in 
the winter and fished and talked Politics in the 
summer, and who were in their clement wher- 
ever Politics was to be discussed or whiskey 
drunk. There were the farmers with their long 
chin whiskers and long noses, famous for their 
skill at horse trading. There were the denizens 
of the town of Mutton Hollow, who claimed to 
be the only pure and undefiled Republicans in 
the country. There were those who had come 
to make speeches and those who had come to 
applaud the speakers; there were those who 
were going to tell stories and those who had 
come to laugh at the stories and declare the sto- 
ries were the best they had ever heard, although 
they had heard them scores of times before. 
There were Mr. Scouten's lieutenants, with their 
pockets full of The Organization's money and 
with orders to spend it for whiskey and cigars. 
There was the Hon. John L. Whodd, as red- 



264 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

faced, as happy-go-lucky and as jolly as ever, 
and he was never so much at home in his life. 
How did the Hon. Mr. Whodd find himself? 
asked the good Republicans who shook hands 
with him. Never better, answered the Hon. 
Mr. Whodd. And how were things at the 
Capital? Things at the Capital were O. K., 
Mr. Whodd took good care of that. Then 
they all went into the bar room and had a drink 
at the Hon. Mr. Whodd's expense, for in the 
excitement of convention and election time Mr. 
Whodd's last total abstinence resolution had 
gone the way of all the others. Then they all 
came out again and met more good Republi- 
cans and told more stories and laughed at more 
jokes and smoked more cigars. Then Mr. 
Whodd met the Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback, 
who was continually beset by the people who 
wanted favors; and Mr. Whodd gave Mr. 
Whittleback a hearty handshake and invited 
everybody to come in the bar room again and 
have another drink. 

It soon began to be rumored that there was 
a rival candidate in the field and that The Or- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 265 

ganlzatlon was favoring him. Then leaders 
of election districts began to ask Mr. Whittle- 
back if he was sure of his delegates, and how 
many had been instructed for him, which in- 
formation Mr. Whittleback had to confess his 
inability to give ; and was there any truth in the 
rumor that there was a rival candidate? 
Scores of obtrusive men who were not dele- 
gates, but only spectators, promised to stand by 
him to the very last ditch, and would he come 
into the bar room and have a drink with them, 
for which, as the candidate, he was always left 
to pay. A man who said he was experienced 
in arranging political demonstrations offered 
for a certain sum to get up a Whittleback 
demonstration in the convention, which should 
last any number of minutes Mr. Whittleback 
fixed, the longer the time the more he must pay. 
Another had supreme faith in the efficacy of 
dollar bills, and if Mr. Whittleback would put 
a hundred dollars into his hands and let him 
distribute them, it would undoubtedly turn the 
tide in his favor, if there was such a thing that 
it was turning against him. 



266 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

Mr. Whittleback did not know where Mr. 
Scouten was. While he was wondering what 
had become of that gentleman, a lieutenant 
tapped him on the shoulder and announced that 
The Organization wanted to see him. 

'' Well, Mr. Whittleback," said Mr. Scouten, 
when the lieutenant ushered Mr. Whittleback 
into The Organization's room on the second 
floor of the hotel, '' we didn't know what had 
become of you." 

Mr. Harker, Mr. Windy and the other 
members of The Organization, who were seated 
around a large table, expressed their pleasure 
at seeing him. Mr. Whittleback noticed that 
the table was set for dinner, but that the in- 
dispensable decanter was at one end of It. 

" We are going to have dinner soon and we 
want you to have dinner with us," Mr. 
Scouten continued. " We have been complet- 
ing the final arrangements for the Conven- 
tion." 

'' There's a rival candidate In the field, Mr. 
Whittleback," remarked Mr. Harker; " a Dud- 
ley Fairfield from your end of the county. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 267 

You haven't made any deal with this Fairfield, 
have you? " 

'* Deal ! I'll be blessed if I know what you 
mean by deal," replied Mr. Whittleback. 

Some of the members of The Organization 
laughed in spite of themselves, but Mr. Harker 
preserved a very solemn air and continued: 
" Well, we didn't know, Mr. Whittleback, but 
that you might have made a deal with him, 
sold out to him, in fact, for he seems to be 
gaining ground." 

" But you being an Organization man, Whit- 
tleback," said Mr. Windy, paying a visit to the 
decanter, '^ haven't got very much to fear." 

Mr. Whittleback said he thought not. 

" We're here to abide by the wishes of the 
delegates," remarked Mr. Scouten ominously, 
" like honest American citizens." 

" Yes," said Mr. Harker, while the members 
gravely nodded their heads, " like honest 
American citizens." 

On his return from visiting the decanter Mr. 
Windy went to the window that overlooked the 
street in front of the hotel and looked down 



268 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

upon the throng of citizens below. Turning 
around to The Organization he exclaimed: 
*' Whodd's down below there and he's been 
drinking with about everybody and he's going 
it yet." 

** Sandbag," said Mr. Scouten, addressing 
the lieutenant, " go down and tell Whodd to 
come up here at once. — He'll be drunk before 
it's time to open the Convention." 

The lieutenant, thus bidden, went off in quest 
of the Hon. Mr. Whodd, and in a few minutes 
ushered that distinguished legislator into the 
presence of The Organization. 

"Whodd," said Mr. Scouten, "dinner will 
soon be ready and we want you to take dinner 
with us. How are things down below? " 

" All right," replied the Hon. Mr. Whodd, 
whose spirits were the very highest; " all right, 
Scouten. Come on down all of you and have 
a drink on me." 

" Whodd," said Mr. Scouten, without ac- 
knowledging the invitation, " we've decided to 
have Harker call the Convention to order and 
name you as Chairman." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 269 

"Yes," replied Mr. Whodd. "Ha, ha I " 
he exclaimed, catching sight of the decanter, 
" you don't need to go down to get a drink, 
you have it right by you.'' 

Mr. Windy seemed to take delight in mak- 
ing a journey from his seat to the window and 
looking down upon the citizens outside and in- 
cidentally stopping at the decanter on the way, 
for he now made the journey again. 

" Why don't you go down there and talk to 
those people? " inquired the Hon. Mr. Whodd 
as Mr. Windy returned to his seat. 

" What do we care about those people down 
there?" replied Mr. Windy, with great con- 
tempt. " All they're good for is to do as 
they're told." 

All this time an engine had been snorting 
and puffing along the single track railroad that 
connects Gilead with the Metropolis. Attached 
to it was a private car, and in the private car 
was the Hon. Wallace Brandywine, who had 
spent the summer in Europe and had returned 
home in time to attend the fall conventions of 



270 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

the Republican Party throughout the State and 
to look after the interests of his corporation. 
In due time the aforesaid engine brought the 
private car into the Gilead station, when it 
gave a long sharp whistle as much as to say: 
" Take notice, you Republican politicians and 
free electors who are holding this Convention, 
that I have brought the Hon. Wallace Brandy- 
wine all the way to Poquogg County, and have 
brought him safely and quickly too ! " 

The free electors did take notice, and as 
soon as Mr. Brandywine's carriage came in 
sight they shouted and cheered for him, and 
Mr. Scouten rushed out to welcome him and 
conducted him to The Organization's room. 

*' Ha, ha," said Mr. Brandywine, shaking 
hands all around, " youVe going to have dinner 
up here by yourselves while our friends the 
voters eat down below. Well, Mr. Whittle- 
back," he continued, after the dinner had com- 
menced, " how is the Reform Movement get- 
ting on? " 

Mr. Whittleback replied it was getting on 
very well. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 271 

"Glad to hear it," said Mr. Brandywine; 
*' reform Is something that is always needed." 

" Mr. Whittleback has a rival candidate for 
Member of Assembly," remarked Mr. Scouten. 
" A young fellow by the name of Fairfield, 
Dudley Fairfield. Ever hear of him, Mr. 
Brandywine? " 

'* Fairfield. Son of the late Richard Fair- 
field?" 

" Yes." 

** Why, Scouten, I knew Richard Fairfield. 
He's the man who made a fortune one winter 
by cornering all the flour. A mighty clever 
stroke. Young Fairfield ought to be proud of 
such a father." 

"How long ago was that?" Mr. Windy 
ventured to inquire. 

"That I don't just know," replied Mr. 
Brandywine. " Anyway, It was some years be- 
fore I graduated from Harvard." 

His graduation from Harvard being a great 
event in Mr. Brandywine's life, it was his in- 
variable custom to fix every date with reference 
to it. 



272 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

"And Whodd, how are you? " he Inquh-ed, 
turning to that legislator, who was vigorously 
engaged with the soup. " They tell me you're 
going to the Senate." 

Mr. Whodd, who looked in excellent condi- 
tion for going to bed, replied yes, he was, with 
as much positiveness as though he had already 
been elected. 

"Well, I'm glad you are, Whodd," Mr. 
Brandywine continued. " You're the right 
man in the right place. I hope you'll make as 
good a Senator as you have an Assemblyman." 

Mr. Whodd said he hoped he would and 
ventured to remark that the soup was very 
good. 

" Yes, indeed," Mr. Brandywine agreed. 
" It's excellent. I must tell the boys at the Con- 
vention what good soup I had. Where do you 
hold the Convention, Scouten?" 

" In the Court House." 

" In my old county," Mr. Brandywine con- 
tinued in a reminiscent vein, " they hold their 
conventions under the trees at the same place 
where I was nominated for the Assembly. I 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 273 

went to the Assembly, you know, the year I 
graduated from Harvard." 

" And you made some great speeches that 
first year, Mr. Brandywine," the Hon. Mr. 
Whodd interposed. " They say at the Capi- 
tal that in those speeches that year you hit 
the railroads the hardest they've ever been 
hit." 

*'Ha, ha! Do they say that, Whodd? 
Well, I guess they're not far out of the way. 
But you know if I hadn't hit 'em hard, Whodd, 
I wouldn't be riding around in private cars 
to-day. Ha, ha I " 

While their leaders were thus regaling them- 
selves upstairs, the delegates and spectators 
were engaged in a fierce struggle down below 
to decide which should first enter the dining 
room. The dining room was too small to ad- 
mit the entire number at once and the delegates 
claimed the right to eat at the first tables. 
This claim the spectators disputed. The door 
leading to the dining room became the center 
of a conflict almost as fierce as that waged 



274 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

about the Standard by soldiers in ancient times. 
The proprietor of the hotel, fearing that se- 
rious damage would be done to his property, 
finally proposed a compromise that would al- 
low a,n equal number of delegates and spectators 
to eat at the same time. This was agreed to 
and the dinner was eaten without further 
trouble. The roast turkey and the pumpkin 
pie — which The Organization had generously 
provided — were very powerful agents in 
arousing enthusiasm for the Republican Party, 
and after dinner all formed in line and marched 
to the Court House, feeling that the election 
was as good as carried and that the Democrats 
had again suffered ignominious defeat. 

" Will the Convention come to order I " 
shouted Mr. Harker from the platform. 

" Gentlemen," he continued, " the County 
Committee has instructed me to present the 
name of the Hon. John L. Whodd for Chair- 
man of the Convention." 

" Hip, hip, hurrah for Whodd ! " shouted 
the delegates. The Hon. Mr. Whodd was 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 275 

elected Chairman by acclamation and duly es- 
corted to the platform. 

'' Gentlemen," he said, when the applause 
had subsided, " it's the custom for the Chair- 
man to make a speech on assuming the chair; 
but I'm not going to make a speech, because we 
have with us to-day that world-famous Repub- 
lican who has forgotten more about speaking 
than I ever knew — the Hon. Wallace Brandy- 
wine." Applause. " But we're all Republi- 
cans." Cries of, " You bet we are." " I'm 
proud, gentlemen, to belong to the Republican 
Party. It's the Party that's got all the money 
and all the brains." Laughter and applause. 
" It's the Party that gets there on election day." 
More applause. " We're going to have an- 
other election this fall, gentlemen, and we've 
come here to-day to nominate a man for Mem- 
ber of Assembly from this District. We're 
not only going to nominate him, but we're 
going to elect him! " Applause and cries of, 
" You bet we are." " Gentlemen," the Hon. 
Mr. Whodd continued, laughing, " I'm going 
to stop right now or I'll make a speech after 



276 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

all." Cries of, " Go on," " YouVe all right, 
Whodd." " Thank you, gentlemen. I thank 
you, too, for electing me your Chairman, and 
now what is your further pleasure? " 

" Mis-ter Chair-man ! " shouted a little man 
in the rear of the room, jumping to his feet 
and swinging his arms, " Mis-ter Chair-man." 

Laughter and cries of, " The Senator," 
" The Senator," '' Hear the Senator." 

The little man who was nicknamed " The 
Senator " had a little peaked head, blinking 
eyes and a big wart on one side of his jaw. In 
addition to his whimsical appearance he had a 
piping voice which gave forth only very short 
sentences at a time. 

" Tm a citi-i-zen — Mis-ter Chair-man ! " 

" Of course you are," laughingly rejoined 
Mr. Whodd. 

" And you — can't dis-pute it," continued 
" The Senator " shaking his fist. 

Laughter and cries of, " Sit down." 

"I won't — sit down. I'm a cit-i-zen — 
Mis-ter Chair-man — and a delly-gate — and 
I'd — like to ask — Mis-ter Chair-man — 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 277 

a ques-tlon — why was every-body else — give 
— five see-gars and I — was only give — ' 
one?" 

" You're out of order, Senator! " replied the 
Hon. Mr. Whodd. '' Sit down." And there- 
upon " The Senator " was unceremoniously 
pulled down and soon left the room in charge 
of a lieutenant who pretended he was going to 
get " The Senator " his other four cigars, while 
" The Senator's " place was filled by an alter- 
nate who promised to keep quiet. 

The secretaries having been chosen, and the 
chairman and secretaries sworn to obey the 
laws and uphold the Constitution of the United 
States and the Constitution of the State, and 
incidentally to perform faithfully their duties 
as officers of the Convention, the Hon. Mr. 
Whodd stated that nominations for Member 
of Assembly were in order. 

By this time everybody knew there were to 
be two candidates presented to the Convention, 
but nobody knew which candidate The Organi- 
zation favored, everybody taking it for 
granted, however, that that honorable body 



278 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

favored Mr. Whittleback. No one was sur- 
prised, therefore, when Mr. Harker came for- 
ward and began to address the Convention. 
He was a Republican, he declared, and had 
always been a Republican. Applause. He 
had no use for Democrats or the Democratic 
Party. More applause. He had no use for 
anything that was no good and the Demo- 
cratic Party was no good. Cries of, " That's 
right." Any man who wanted to work could 
get work and good pay. No starvation wages 
such as they got in Europe ! But when the 
Democrats were in power you couldn't get 
work at even starvation wages ! Laughter 
and applause. Therefore, it was necessary 
to make a vigorous campaign to keep the Dem- 
ocratic Party out of power and to keep the 
Republican Party In power. He nominated as 
candidate for Member of Assembly a man 
they all knew, for he had lately made himself 
known to every one, not only In Poquogg 
County, but throughout the State. He placed 
In nomination the Hon. Nathaniel Whittleback 
of Sky View. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 279 

A great demonstration of shouting and 
cheering followed Mr. Harker's speech, in the 
midst of which demonstration the giant form 
of the Supervisor of the Town of Mutton Hol- 
low was seen making its way to the platform. 
Everybody knew the Supervisor. His nose 
was so large, and his mouth, chin and fore- 
head were sunk in so far that he looked as If 
the nose had given them all a great fright and 
they were trying to get away from it. The 
fact that his tongue had very ready powers of 
speech, together with the tendency of that or- 
gan to throw its discourses into poetry, caused 
the Supervisor to be much sought after at Sun- 
day School picnics and political conventions, 
for, being a man who would always do as he was 
told, he could always be trusted to speak. 

*' Free and independent fellow citizens," he 
began, " I come from the town of Mutton Hol- 
low, the town of the finest hoop poles in the 
country, and of the great mountains o'er whose 
peaks each day the morn doth stalk in russet 
mantle clad." Laughter and applause. " Yes, 
my friends," he continued, laughing heartily 



280 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

himself, '' rm from the Way-back-overs, the 
men who are as free as the wind and the clouds 
and as solid as mountains for the Republican 
Party." Applause. " Why am I a Republi- 
can, gentlemen? Because it was the Republi- 
can Party that placed the star of hope above 
the cradle of the poor man's babe." Tremen- 
dous applause, and the delegates from the town 
of Mutton Hollow remarked that the Super- 
visor was at his best. " These men of the 
mountains, gentlemen, have heard of the man 
who has been placed in nomination. Every 
wind that rustles over the hillsides brings the 
story of his triumphs." Laughter, In which 
the Supervisor joined. " Every brook that 
babbles down the mountains says amen to his 
principles." Laughter and applause. " He 
is the Incarnation of Republican principles, 
gentlemen, and a Republican every Inch of him." 
More applause. " Gentlemen, the Way-back- 
overs from the town of Mutton Hollow told 
me to come here to-day and say a word for 
Nat Whittleback. Everything that's good 
comes from the Republican Party, but he's the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 281 

best yet." Tremendous applause. *' On be- 
half of the Republicans from the town of Mut- 
ton Hollow I second his nomination." 

This being a favorable opportunity for the 
display of oratorical ability, several other lo- 
cal orators seconded Mr. Whittleback's nomi- 
nation and praised him for the various political 
virtues he was supposed to possess. Mr. 
Scouten was unusually generous in the number 
of seconding speeches he allowed made on this 
occasion, but at last he gave the word and the 
Hon. Mr. Whodd declared that Mr. Whittle- 
back had been duly nominated and asked if 
there was another nomination. 

" Yes, Mr. Chairman, there is another nomi- 
nation," shouted the Hon. Sam. Puckey. 

" Come up on the platform, Puckey," sug- 
gested Mr. Whodd. 

The Hon. Mr. Puckey, in return for his 
loyalty to The Organization, had been sup- 
ported at public expense all his life. He then 
held the office of Inspector of the County Jail, 
an office that imposed upon him no work ex- 
cept to draw his salary. He was an Organi- 



282 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

zatlon man, he declared, as he faced the Con- 
vention from the platform. He had stood by 
the Republican Party through thick and thin. 
His father was a Republican before him. He 
did not want to see the Republican Party lose 
a single Republican member in the Assembly. 
He came in the interests of the laboring man. 
The labor vote was not to be slighted. It 
might not be known to all the delegates that 
there was in Poquogg County an Association 
of Working Men, a branch of the State Work- 
ing Men's Association. It might not be 
known, also, that the man who had been nomi- 
nated had given mortal offense to that Asso- 
ciation. How? He held in his hand an af- 
fidavit of a reputable Republican, a worker In 
the ranks. That affidavit was evidence that 
this man Whittleback said publicly on one oc- 
casion that a man had a right to work if he 
wanted to. His election was therefore im- 
possible. By that statement he had shown 
himself opposed to the fundamental principle 
of that Association. For no man had a right 
to work except upon such terms as the Associa- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 283 

tion said. In addition to that the said Whittle- 
back had persistently refused to grant the pe- 
tition of the working men of his town for a 
higher rate of wages. Working men would 
not support the candidacy of such a man. He 
would nominate a man who had given offense 
to no one. A man who would move In the 
halls of the Legislature with the grace of su- 
perior birth and higher education. He nomi- 
nated for Member of Assembly from Poquogg 
County Dudley Fairfield, Esq. 

There was an ominous silence when the Hon. 
Mr. Puckey had finished. A lieutenant 
seconded Mr. Fairfield's nomination and Mr. 
Whodd declared the nominations closed and 
ordered the voting to begin. 

"Hurrah for Whittleback! " shouted the 
delegates, the majority of whom had never 
heard of Mr. Fairfield. " Three cheers for 
Nat Whittleback." There were cries of: 
" What's the matter with Whittleback? " and 
answers of: " He's all right," until it seemed 
the delegates would go wild with applauding. 
Once or twice the lieutenants endeavored to 



284 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

arouse some enthusiasm for Mr. Fairfield, but 
their cheers were unheard in the din of ap- 
plause which sounded for his popular rival. 

In a private room the Hon. Henrick Scouten 
and the Hon. Wallace Brandywine calmly 
smoked their cigars and through a small win- 
dow looked out upon the Convention while this 
demonstration was in progress. At length 
Mr. Brandywine turned to Mr. Scouten and 
observed with a smile : " They make a great 
deal of noise for people who haven't anything 
to say about it, don't they, Scouten? " 

" Yes," replied Mr. Scouten. " Do you 
want me to show you what obedient delegates 
they are, how good they are to do as they're 
told? — Sandbag," he continued, calling a lieu- 
tenant, " pass the word along to the chairmen 
of the delegations that they're to vote enough 
of their delegates for Fairfield to nominate 
him." 

** Ha, ha ! " laughed Mr. Brandywine. 
" That's the way you do it here? '* 

'' Yes, and it isn't only here, but it's the 
same all over the country." 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 285 

Lieutenant Sandbag delivered the orders of 
his chief. The receipt of the orders had a 
most depressing effect upon the delegates. 
Then Mr. Whittleback was not The Organiza- 
tion's candidate after all. What a pity. He 
had probably offended The Organization. 
Then why had The Organization permitted 
his name to be presented to the Convention? 
To throw upon the delegates the responsibility 
of defeating him. The excuse to the people 
would be the trumped-up story of his antago- 
nizing the working men. Who was Fairfield? 
One of the aristocrats of Sky View. But The 
Organization wanted him. There was nothing 
to do, therefore, but to vote for him, for to be 
disloyal to The Organization was to be dis- 
loyal to the Party and to be discredited and dis- 
graced. The man who went contrary to The 
Organization's orders could never get an of- 
fice, an appointment, a pass on the railroad, or 
a seat on a delegation for the rest of his life. 
The Organization had to be obeyed at all costs, 
and most of the delegates did obey. A few, 
with rare heroism, refused to vote at all and 



286 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

were marked men forever after, but their num- 
ber was not sufficiently large to change the re- 
sult. There was no more enthusiasm. As 
loyal Republicans they voted for Mr. Fair- 
field, but they would not cheer for him, and it 
was to a silent Convention that Mr. Whodd 
announced that Dudley Fairfield had received 
the nomination for Member of Assembly, 

" Wonderful ! " exclaimed the Hon. Mr. 
Brandywine, laughing and shaking Mr. Scouten 
by the hand. " Scouten, let me congratulate 
you on the way you have your people under 
control. It must mean something to you? '* 

*' It means five thousand dollars in this case,'* 
thought Mr. Scouten. 

" Gentlemen of the Convention," said the 
Hon. John L. Whodd, " we have with us to- 
day the greatest orator in the Republican 
Party. When he was a Member of the Assem- 
bly he was the greatest talker in the Lower 
House. When he is at a dinner he makes the 
best speech that is made. And when he is in 
Europe no,ne of those fellows over there can 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 287 

touch a feather to him." Laughter. " Gen- 
tlemen, you all know him. He has come a 
long way to speak to us, and I now take pleas- 
ure in introducing to you our distinguished 
fellow Republican, the Hon. Wallace Brandy- 
wine." 

" Gentlemen- of the Convention and fellow 
Republicans of Poquogg County," began the 
Hon. Mr. Brandywine, when the applause had 
subsided. " I am delighted to be here with 
you to-day. In my boyhood I became ac- 
quainted with some of your noble old patriots, 
many of whom went to the war to fight and 
die for their country. The bones of many of 
them lie on Southern battlefields. Some of 
them lie up in your little cemetery yonder. 
Gentlemen, I want to tell you I am proud of 
Poquogg County and of her sons and daugh- 
ters." Great applause. " My friends," Mr. 
Brandywine continued, " I never had such a 
good time in my life as I have had to-day. I 
have eaten at the best hotels in our country, I 
have dined at every restaurant from Paris to 
the Danube, but for good, wholesome, healthy, 



288 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

appetizing food, without any indigestion after- 
ward, I never have eaten anything to compare 
with the roast turkey and the pumpkin pie they 
gave me over here at your hotel to-day.'* 
Laughter and applause. " I am proud to be 
a Republican," Mr. Brandywine continued. 
" I cast my first Republican vote the year I 
graduated from Harvard and I've voted the 
Republican ticket ever since." Great applause. 
" Ever since the Republican Party was organ- 
ized it has been developing our country, mak- 
ing it greater and more powerful, and the only 
time the course of progress has ever been inter- 
rupted has been when our friends the Demo- 
crats have got in and run the country in the 
ground." More laughter. *' And this fall 
we come before the people of this State and 
we say: Look at our past record, see what we 
have done; here is what we will do if you will 
give us the chance for another two years. 
And, gentlemen, I know the people of this 
State will bury our friends the Democrats under 
such an avalanche of votes on election day that 
it will take them all the rest of the year to 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 289 

find their way out." Tremendous applause. 
The delegates jumped to their feet, waved their 
hands, and shouted until they were hoarse. 

Having now warmed up his audience, Mr. 
Brandywine proceeded to discuss the issues 
of the campaign upon which they were enter- 
ing, from which discussion he came to the 
conclusion that the position the Democratic 
Party took upon the Issues was invariably 
wrong and the position the Republican Party 
took was invariably right. 

" Gentlemen," he continued, after disposing 
of the issues, '' we are going to nominate and 
elect as Governor a man who has been a Repub- 
lican from his youth, whose loyalty to the 
Party has never been questioned, whose serv- 
ices to the Party have been many and valuable, 
and who has the distinction of having shaken 
hands with more people than any other man In 
the State. I refer to the Hon. Bartholomew 
K. Squabb." Great applause. " And gentle- 
men, you have kept up the standard of the 
Party in this Convention by nominating the 
son of my old personal friend. His father, 



290 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

gentlemen, was one of the brightest business 
men in this country, and his son Dudley Fair- 
field, gentlemen, the man whom you have nomi- 
nated to-day, is, a chip off the old block." Ap- 
plause by the lieutenants. " And gentlemen, I 
want to tell you something about my friend 
Whodd here: Ever since he has been in the 
Assembly I have had a chance to come in con- 
tact with him and to watch his development as 
a legislator. He is one of the best liked men 
we have in the Legislature. When the 
Speaker of the Assembly was looking for a 
man to be Chairman of the very important 
Committee on Laws and Public Morals, he ap- 
pointed the Hon. John L. Whodd, your rep- 
resentative, as Chairman of that Committee. 
Send him to the Senate. He is one of the ris- 
ing men in Politics in this State." Great ap- 
plause. " There is another thing about the 
Republican Party in Poquogg County that I 
like," the Hon. Mr. Brandywine continued: 
" You can always be relied upon. When the 
State Committee looks over the field before elec- 
tion to see where the doubtful districts are, 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 291 

Poquogg County Is always put down in the 
Sure column! " Applause. " I attribute that, 
first, to your own patriotism and good sense, 
and second, to the faithfulness, courage and 
organizing ability of your distinguished leader, 
the Hon. Henrick Scouten. He has put Po- 
quogg County in the Republican column and 
put it there to stay. And when election night 
comes next November and the votes are 
counted, when we hear of the big majorities 
that other rural counties have rolled up for the 
Republican Party, we will hear, then, gentle- 
men, that your good old county of Poquogg 
has led the way with double her usual majority 
and that you are still the banner Republican 
county of all the rural counties of the State." 



CHAPTER XXVIII 

THE campaign was on in the State and 
in the Nation. 
The Republicans were the hope of the peo- 
ple: The Democrats were the hope of the 
people. Everything would be all right if the 
Republicans were elected: Everything would 
be all wrong if the Republicans were elected. 
The people knew too much about the Demo- 
crats to put them in power : The people knew 
too much about the Republicans to put them in 
power. The Republicans were the friends of 
the working men, and had always been and 
would always be the friends of the working 
men: The sole purpose of the Democrats was 
to uplift the working man, and this would al- 
ways be their purpose. The country would be 
safe in the hands of the Republicans: The 
country would be safe in the hands of the 
Democrats. Did the people want to have the 

country go to the dogs? Then let them vote 

292 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 293 

for the Democrats. Did the people want to 
have prosperity continue? Then let them vote 
for the Republicans. Who brought good 
crops and high prices? The Republicans. 
Who brought poor crops and starvation wages? 
The Democrats. 

The Republican National Committee sent 
out a veritable army of orators and spellbinders 
and Congressmen and Senators to tell the peo- 
ple what a great Party the Republican Party 
was, and what it had done, and what it would 
do, and what a poor Party the Democratic 
Party was, and how it would run the country 
into the ground. The Democratic National 
Committee sent out a veritable army of orators 
and spellbinders and Congressmen and Senators 
to tell the people what a great Party the Demo- 
cratic Party was, and what it would do, and 
what a poor Party the Republican Party was, 
and that it had never done anything for the 
Public, but had taxed the Public and robbed the 
Public. 

The Republican newspapers published whole 
pages about the Democrats and their extrava- 



294 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

gance when they held office. The Democratic 
newspapers published an equal number of pages 
about the Republicans and their extravagance 
when they held office. 

There were parades and torch light proces- 
sions, and bands, and fireworks, and meetings 
in-doors and out-doors. The people listened 
to the Republican orators and laughed at their 
jokes and applauded their gibes at the Demo- 
crats. The people listened with equal eager- 
ness to the Democratic orators and applauded 
when they made fu,n of the Republicans, The 
Republicans called the Democrats rascals and 
the Democrats called the Republicans rascals. 
The Republicans promised everything: The 
Democrats promised everything. The Repub- 
licans went to the records to prove their case 
against the Democrats and the Democrats went 
to the records to prove their case against the 
Republicans. The Democrats predicted suc- 
cess: The Republicans predicted success. 

The rival candidates, journeyed about the 
country and made speeches at all times of the 
day and night. They patted children on the 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 295 

head and fondled babies and praised honest 
working men and shook hands with them and 
said it gave them great pleasure to meet so 
many honest people, and if the honest working 
men and all good citizens would kindly remem- 
ber them on election day it would result in un- 
told benefit to the Republic. 

In Poquogg County the would-be Hon. Dud- 
ley Fairfield left off hunting and riding and 
spent whole days at a time, much against his 
will, shaking hands with the rabble, and telling 
the rabble he was delighted to see them. Mr. 
Scouten praised him and told the Public what a 
fine young man he was and the Democrats 
laughed at him and told the Public he was an 
aristocrat. They made fun of his horses and 
his dogs and ridiculed his English tastes and 
his bungling speeches. The rabble solicited 
loans from him and told him to refuse if he 
dared. Everybody seemed to have the idea 
that the grounds about Fairfield Mansion House 
were public property because their owner was 
running for office. In short, Mr. Fairfield 
was petitioned and interviewed and laughed at 



»96 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

and criticised so much that long before the 
campaign closed he was more disgusted with 
the Public than ever and was heartily sorry 
he had ever had anything to do with Politics or 
political honors. 

At last when the tumult ceased and the votes 
were counted it was found that the Republicans 
had been victorious in the Nation, that the 
Hon. Bartholomew K. Squabb had been elected 
Governor of the State, and that the Hon. 
John L. Whodd had been elected Senator, but 
that the would-be Hon. Dudley Fairfield had 
been ignominiously defeated for the Assembly. 

So closed that particular chapter of The 
American Comedy. 



CHAPTER XXIX 

THIS book contains the story of a man who 
was introduced to the political world as 
a Reformer. Now when he has been defeated 
and is disheartened, we turn, as he turned, to 
the only person in Sky View who had expressed 
real sympathy for him in his career and who 
seemed to understand. Since his first meeting 
with the school principal Mr. Whittleback had 
sought opportunities of meeting her and of 
knowing her better. He had never failed to find 
these meetings keenly interesting and was al- 
ways sorry when they were over. Her ready 
sympathy, her wide knowledge and broad 
interests, had strongly appealed to him. She 
had warned him, he remembered, against 
Mr. Scouten. He had laughed at the time; 
now he regarded her warning as almost a proph- 
ecy. It is not for us to trace the progress of 
Mr. Whittleback's feelings for this young 
woman who had come so suddenly into his life. 

297 



298 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

His Interest became respect, then came admira- 
tion, and his respect and admiration ripened 
at last into that more serious feeling which 
in any well regulated chronicle can have but 
one ending. Such happenings are foreign. to 
our theme. Miss Alnor herself had found it 
convenient to remain in Sky View during the 
summer vacation and Mr. Whittleback's op- 
portunities of meeting her had not become less 
frequent during the summer months. She had 
been more amused than interested in the be- 
ginning of his political career and had regarded 
it as one of those community contests that are of 
no importance. But after knowing him better 
she had been impressed by his sincerity and hon- 
esty and thenceforth was one of his ardent ad- 
mirers. She early saw through the sham of 
Mr. Scouten's pretended friendship and sus- 
pected where the whole thing would end, but 
she had no idea that before the end came Mr. 
Whittleback would become a national figure 
and would impress his ideals upon the whole 
nation. Meanwhile, she thought there was no 
harm in encouraging by her sympathy and ad- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 299 

vice a man who was engaged in so noble a 
cause. Now he had been defeated and humili- 
ated and needed encouragement more than 
ever. 

The monthly pay checks for the last month's 
salaries were overdue and Mr. Whittleback had 
not been heard from. It was with no small de- 
gree of satisfaction, therefore, that Miss Al- 
nor, coming from the Post Office one afternoon 
a few days after election, met Mr. Whittleback 
at almost the identical spot she had first met 
him many months before. Then he was at the 
beginning of his career; now he was apparently 
at the end. 

" Come into the office," said Mr. Whittle- 
back, " Fm behind with the checks." 

" We thought you had forgotten us." 

" ril be blessed if I hadn't, to tell you the 
truth," Mr. Whittleback confessed. " I just 
finished signing them this morning," and he 
handed her the checks of her assistant teachers, 
as well as her own. " You heard about the 
Convention?" 



300 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

" Yes," said Miss Alnor, " I was not sur- 
prised." 

"Not surprised!" exclaimed Mr. Whittle- 
back. " Why weren't you surprised? Every- 
body else was." 

" Because I knew Scouten would sell you out 
or would sell any one else out if he could do so 
to advantage." 

" YouVe right; you're right, Miss Alnor, al- 
though I'd have staked my life on him. He's 
the slickest talker you ever heard, but he's a 
damned scoundrel. — Excuse me, I'm accus- 
tomed to talk to men." 

" It's all right, Mr. Whittleback, I under- 
stand." 

" You seem always to understand," said 
Mr. Whittleback. " Is it because you're a 
school teacher? " 

** It's because I'm a woman." 

" They're not all like you. They don't all 
understand. But I'm disgusted with the whole 
crowd of these politicians and I'm disgusted 
with myself more than with any of them. Viii 
a failure and a fooL" 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 301 

" You are neither, Mr. Whittleback. No 
man ever fails who does his best. In this 
matter you have interested me more than I 
can tell you because to my mind you have repre- 
sented and typified the people. You knew little 
of political conditions when you began; you 
have learned little by little as you went along 
and the more you learned and the worse you 
found things to be the less able you felt to cope 
with them. So you become discouraged and 
call yourself a failure. Isn't it something to 
have awakened the people to the condition of 
things? The people will get their government 
back, Mr. Whittleback." 

" Then theyVe got to deport such fellows 
as Scouten ! " 

"That's funny, Mr. Whittleback; you're 
humorous." 

*' I'll be blessed if I see anything funny about 
it. There I'd spent money and time and 
everybody supposed I was to be nominated for 
the Assembly and then at the last minute I was 
turned down. It's queer I should be telling 



302 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

you about It, though, but you seem to under- 
stand." 

*' I do understand, Mr. Whlttleback. It's a 
woman's privilege to understand men. That's 
how we help. We can't always tell a man this, 
but sometimes one gives us the chance, as you 
have. You're calling yourself a failure be- 
cause you haven't overturned in a few months 
a system which has been growing up for twenty- 
five years. If you had been a year getting sick 
you wouldn't expect your doctor to cure you In 
a day, would you?" 

" That's so ; no, of course not." 

" Certainly you wouldn't. But let me tell 
you, you have made your fight here and the 
whole country has heard about It. Strange 
how little things sometimes bring big results. 
But it's the way of the world, Mr. Whlttleback. 
Did you ever hear of the spider that saved a 
nation? We tell it to the children." 

"No," said Mr. Whlttleback, "tell me 
about it sometime. But finish up with me." 

" You've done your best, haven't you ? 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 303 

YouVe done it with the idea of helping the peo- 
ple?" 

" Yes," replied Mr. Whittleback, " I'll take 
my oath on it." 

" Then you've won, in my opinion; but what 
does my opinion amount to?" 

" It amounts to a whole lot," said Mr. Whit- 
tleback earnestly, " and it's worth all it has 
cost to hear you say that. But I'm done with 
it. Now that Fairfield's beaten some of them 
want me to run next fall, but I'm going to let 
'em alone, wouldn't you?" 

" Yes and no. You are done with that part of 
Politics, but you are not going to forget that 
you're a citizen. But you will think I am 
preaching, Mr. Whittleback. I never talked 
so much on such a subject in my life before, I 
assure you." 

" It's blamed good preaching. You missed 
your calling.'* 

Miss Alnor was more beautiful than ever in 
her enthusiasm, Mr. Whittleback thought. 

" Thank you. And we do our duty as citi- 



304 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

zens," she continued, " when we assist in 
teaching the people through the children to be 
honest and virtuous and unselfish and to under- 
stand that the only real democracy is a govern- 
ment that is run In the Interests of the majority 
— the majority of hands and mouths, not the 
majority of dollars; that the success of a de- 
mocracy depends upon the honesty and virtue 
and intelligence of the individual citizen; that 
reforms come from the bottom up, from the 
men In the mills and in the factories, on the 
farms and in the shops, as a result of their hon- 
esty, virtue and intelligence. The people must 
be taught to appreciate the men in Politics who 
are honest In purpose — for there are such 
men in Politics — and to follow their leader- 
ship and to give them moral support as well 
as votes. And men like you, Mr. Whittle- 
back, can do as much in private life with their 
influence and money as they can In public life; 
some men, because of their temperament and 
character, can do more. I think you are one 
of those who can do more.'* 

" But I can't do It alone," exclaimed Mr. 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 305 

Whittleback, with earnestness. " You've laid 
out the program and it's a good one, but it's a 
program for two, and ,now you've got to do 
your part. What do you say? Will you do 
it?" 

" I say," replied Miss Alnor, with a twinkle 
in her eye, " that you're very blunt and very- 
abrupt, but very sensible and very nice." 



a T» 



I'll be blessed if Scouten is so bad after all." 



CHAPTER XXX 

VARIOUS opinions prevailed as to why 
Mr. Whittleback had not received the 
nomination for Member of Assembly. Some 
declared the Hon. Mr. Brandywine had inter- 
vened at the last minute and ordered The Or- 
ganization to turn him down because he was 
not acceptable to the corporations. Others 
were of the opinion that Mr. Fairfield had cor- 
rupted the delegates by the generous use of 
legal tender; while many who had always en- 
vied Mr. Whittleback's popularity gravely 
shook their heads and declared they had never 
thought well of him anyway and that he was 
defeated " because he could not come up to the 
mark." Mr. Windy, who, because of his 
years of service to The Organization, was sup- 
posed to voice the sentiments of that honorable 
body, gravely announced that Mr. Whittle- 
back's defeat was an evidence of The Organi- 
zation's friendship for the working man. 

306 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 307 

The Public generally, however, long remained 
in entire ignorance of the real reason for the 
Convention's action, which impels us to the 
observation that our opinions regarding many- 
matters of our political history would undergo 
material revision if we only knew what took 
place behind the scenes. 

After his return from the County Fair Mr. 
Dusenbury set out upon an expedition in the in- 
terests of Science. He had long contemplated 
a trip to England for the purpose of making 
certain observations in that part of the globe 
in order to elucidate further his Law of Mutual 
Attraction, but his antipathy to traveling alone 
had caused him to defer the journey. The 
visit of Captain Berwick to this country and 
the desire of that gentleman to return home 
was considered by Mr. Dusenbury an auspicious 
omen. For some time the Sky View Home 
Club received letters from him relating his ex- 
cursions in England, but all communication 
from him suddenly ceased and he was never 
heard from afterward. The most diligent in- 
quiries addressed to the several American con- 



3o8 THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

suls In that country failed to elicit any informa- 
tion as to his fate; and It was long a disputed 
question In Sky View as to what had befallen 
this worthy man. The women of the village, 
however, who had always entertained a pro- 
found respect for him, concluded that he met 
his death in pursuit of scientific Information, 
and that he died, as he had lived, a martyr to 
Science. 

The Hon. John L. Whodd, after serving his 
time in the Senate, was rewarded by the State 
Organization with the important office of State 
Commissioner of Excise. In that position he 
gave great satisfaction to the saloon keepers, 
and would have been nominated for Lieutenant 
Governor had he not died as the result of 
drinking too much at a grand banquet given at 
the Capital by The National Brewers' Associa- 
tion to celebrate the defeat of the Bill which 
gave the people the right to say by their votes 
whether or ,not liquor should be longer sold 
In the State. 

And now we must bid farewell to Mr. Whit- 



THE AMERICAN COMEDY 309 

tleback, for he belongs to another. A short 
time after a certain never-to-be-forgotten con- 
versation the School Board of Sky View re- 
ceived the resignation of its principal, and be- 
fore the school term was ended she and Mr. 
Whittleback were married; indeed, to be exact, 
the happy event occurred upon the anniversary 
of that public meeting at which the groom had 
received his first signal ovation and had been 
hailed as the village's most distinguished citi- 
zen. In this light he is still regarded by his 
fellow townsmen, and if you visit Sky View to- 
day you have but to mention his name to have 
recounted to you a long list of his virtues. 
And here we leave him in the bosom of his 
family, — for there is a real little Nat Whit- 
tleback by this time, — but we do not leave him 
with a feeling that his work proved a failure; 
for although his name seldom appears in the 
daily press, which was once so fond of discus- 
sing him, many men have risen to fame and 
won the Public's approval by putting into prac- 
tice his ideals and by advocating that very 
principle of popular government for which he 



3IO THE AMERICAN COMEDY 

stood, but which it was permitted to him only 
to early call to the attention of the people. 
Because of his work — and theirs — upon the 
old America dominated by Privilege and Party 
there is rising the New America of Equality 
and Equal Justice; an America where Right 
shall count for more than Might, where Man- 
hood shall count for more than Money, where 
service to the Public shall count for more than 
service to a Party; and when these things shall 
have come to pass, we shall begin a new era 
in the history of the Republic. 



